MC Mayara, Brazilian electrofunk artiste and the Camel Toe Princess of Brazil!

Wikipedia tells me that MC Mayara is an electrofunk singer from Brazil who has been in the game since around 2013. MC Mayara put out her video for her song Ai Como Eu To Bandida Dois all the way back in the olden days of August 2015, but it’s never too late to get into a badass camel toe-having super hero who turns men into diamonds and destroys the gay-hating, racist villains of the earth with a pulverizing bolt of purple light that she queefs out of her cooze. Reader Bianca dropped this into my inbox and according to her translation, this song is my new anthem:

The song is mostly about how she’s no one-man girl and she does whatever the fuck she wants. In the “chorus“, she repeats “ai como eu tô bandida” a million times, which loosely translate into “I’m such a ho.” (Bandida is a thief, like in Spanish, which I know you understand a bit, and by understand a bit I mean you know lots of dirty words in Spanish.)

And the video needs to be turned into a Marvel feature-film. What the Marvel universe, or whatever the hell the nerds call it, needs is a strong lady superhero with drag queen sidekicks who is slowly destroying humanity’s problems with her puss rays of peace.

CoCo, Mimi and Lil Kim need to come and collect MC Mayara and induct her into the Camel Toe Hall of Fame.

MC Mayara also did a hot cover of the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” with a few other Brazilian singers. So yeah, can we trade Ariana Grande Latte for her?

The rim job tattoo a dude in Britain got on his back!

Dear Allison Williams, Vivica Fox and Wheelchair Jimmy, meet your salad tossing hero! There’s a show on Channel 4 in the UK called Bodyshockers and it’s all about people who “shock” their family and friends by getting “shocking” body art. You know, some of them get shit like forked tongues, corset piercing, devil horn implants and peen head splitting (Pro tip: Don’t Google that if you have a peen and don’t want it to cry out real tears). Cosmopolitan says that Trace Cyrus’ 23-year-old British twin John Woodman (no, that porn name is not his government name) was on the show because he wanted to get a tribute to ass licking inked into his back. John wanted the tattoo because he says ass licking is something he loves to do. Drake’s precious wrinkled butt flower just got the tingles.

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On Tuesday, I linked to a Reality Tea piece about how Brandi Glanville continued to slap at her ex-husband Eddie Cibrian and his luck dragon bride LeAnn Rimes during an interview on a podcast. Brandi said that it hurts her in the heart area when LeAnn posts pictures of her sons on Instagram. Brandi claimed that she’s begged LeAnn to stop posting the pictures but Falkor doesn’t care and has kept on, kept on.. Here’s a piece of what came out of Brandi’s mouth:

“I have an issue with her posting pictures of my children on holidays. It’s horrible. If my ex-husband, their dad, isn’t posting pictures – why is she? I’ll grab three bottles of chardonnay, cry myself to sleep and look at what they’re doing for Christmas. It’s hell.”

Like Brandi wasn’t planning on downing three bottles of chardonnay that night anyway. Eddie Cibrian usually keeps his lips shut about these things and lets his sugar mama luck dragon do the barking for him, but not this time.

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Oh, here’s Ricky Martin just casually hanging out in his Spandex swim chonies in front of a photographer, two assistants, a lighting team, four stylists, a nipple waxer, a pose coach, a bronzer applier and a hair person. Ricky Martin threw up this casual nipple-hardening picture of his dad bod on Instagram today and he should’ve left it at that, but he had to ruin the moment by vomiting up a chunky wave of hashtags.

#islander #beachbum #livemylifebarefoot #saltyhair #sandyfeet #speedo #sunga #up #early #earlybird WAKE UP GANG. #newweek #newyear #2016

Whenever I see a trick using that many hashtags, I just want to channel my inner Helen Sinclair and grab their hands while saying, “Don’t hashtag!” But Ricky did burp up one hashtag I can appreciate. I didn’t know what “sunga” meant until I Googled it. I got two definitions for it. The Sunga is a Brazilian-style swimsuit for dudes. “Sunga” is also the name for waxing the hair off of your nuts. via Urban Dictionary

male version of the brazilian wax, involving hair being waxed off the man’s balls, butt crack, butt cheeks and pubic region

I guess not all hashtags are annoying. Sometimes hashtags can give you the image of Ricky Martin’s freshly waxed b-hole.

“Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney,” the filthy ass Christmas classic from 1950 that pays tribute to Santa’s fat dick!

My mind is an endless gutter and I’ve always got peen on the brain (this is what my CT scan looked like), so I pretty much think every song is about dick and fucking. But Ella Fitzgerald’s Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney is totally about dick and fucking. Dirty ass Ella!

Every time I hear it, I think about how Ella got it on with Santa and his dick was so fat that it got stuck in her coochie and stretched it out. Ella’s husband had to pay for her vaginal rejuvenation surgery and even after all that, she still wants Santa to come again. It’s old-timey porn for your ears. The writers of the song, William Hardy (hahaha) and Billy Moore, must have known what they were doing and tricked innocent and pure Ella into singing about Santa’s extra thick crotch candy cane. I did a quick Google search to find out more information about the musical ode to Santa’s chimney-busting dick and I came across this (not punned on purpose):

For many years, this song was one about which I’d only read. Ella’s Yuletide gynecological misadventure was, by all accounts, pretty filthy – so much so that Fitzgerald and her attorneys successfully blocked its reissue for years. Only after her death in 1996 did “Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney” start to show up on CD (including Verve’s excellent Yule Be Miserable, 2003). And, it was worth the wait!

Ella should’ve embraced the nastiness and did a horny holiday music tour with the legendary moan chanteuse Kay Martin. They could’ve been the Khia and Miley Cyrus of their time!

That song is pretty much a musical version of a very special holiday episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER. Merry Christmas, everyone! May Santa Claus get stuck in your chimney! I’d say the same thing for me, but my chimney got blown out years ago.

People says that noted pussy lover and Tila Tequila’s one-time piece (2009 was a weird time) Billy Corgan made a baby with his girlfriend of 2 years Chloe Mendel, who is a singer-songwriter type and daughter of fashion designer Gilles Mendel. 48-year-old Billy and 22-year-old Chloe live in Chicago together and both work at his tea shop/art studio Madame ZuZu’s. (Fun fact: Chloe was born two years after Smashing Pumpkins’ first album came out. We’re all old and I can feel my pubes turning white.) Chloe birthed out a baby pumpkin prince on November 16 and Billy’s rep just got around to telling everyone it happened. And sadly, Billy didn’t name his son, Stay Away From Rose McGowan Corgan.

The singer-songwriter and Chloe Mendel welcomed their first child, son Augustus Juppiter Corgan, on Monday, Nov. 16, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.

They should’ve went with “Augustus Gloop,” because I speak for all of us when I say that every time we see the name “Augustus” we automatically see “Gloop” after it. I don’t even know what a “Juppiter” is. Did Billy and Chloe just throw that extra p in there to up the fuckery factor? I Googled “Juppiter” and the only thing that came up was a page saying that “juppiter” is an alternative form of “luppiter” and “luppiter” is Latin for Jupiter. There’s nothing more hipster than naming your baby after the alternative form of a Latin name for a Roman God. Well, when Augustus Juppiter gets older, he can start a space-themed electro band with Rocket Zot and Pilot Inspektor.

And I really hope that Kim Gordon sends Billy a note that reads: “Congrats on your newborn, but you’re still the biggest fucking crybaby in your house.”

Pic: Getty