Open Post: Hosted By Morgan Freemummy

/ September 3, 2015

Welcome to today’s installment of “Things That Make Morgan Freeman Grumpy.” This is a long-awaited follow-up to “Holding Cotton Candy Makes Morgan Freeman Grumpy.

Yesterday in NYC, grumpy Morgan Freeman got extra grumpy as he threw death glares at the pap who took pictures of him dressed up like a mummy for a movie. Hey, a check is a check. When I first saw these pictures, I got excited, because I thought that Hollywood was finally making a thrilling and dramatic biopic about the life and times of Fruity Yummy Mummy. But sadly, these are pictures from the set of the remake of the 1979 movie Going In Style. I should’ve known, because if Morgan Freeman was playing Fruity Yummy Mummy, his eyes would be filled with sparkly happiness while thinking about all the awards coming his way.

Pics: Splash

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Pull Out The Barf Bag: Tyga Released His Video For “Stimulated” Co-Starring Kylie Jenner

/ August 31, 2015

Tyga’s “Stimulated” is probably the most-played song on Woody Allen’s Spotify playlist thanks to lyrics like “They say she young/ I should’ve waited/ She a big girl, dog when she stimulated.” That song made us all scream for an adult and well, start lubricating your tonsils, because you’ll be screaming for an adult again if you choose to watch the video for it.

Tyga has reportedly been sued by his former landlord for over $70,000 in back rent. Well, his former landlord will take comfort in knowing that it looks like Tyga didn’t drop much money into his video. The video for “Stimulated” looks like it was shot on an iPhone 3G in an empty house that a realtor let him use for 30 minutes. Tyga didn’t even have enough money in his non-budget to furnish that house with some Rent-A-Center shit. But I guess the video isn’t really about the house. It’s more about showcasing Tyga’s poetic lyrics, which he writes in a notebook like a true artist, and it’s also about him using Kylie Jenner to get more attention. (And I’m falling for it AGAIN.) Kylie makes an appearance and gets into some awkward hugging and kissing shit with the creepy gecko on a balcony.

I watched this wreck the whole way through, because: 1) I hate myself to the core and; 2) I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out. Chris Hansen disappointed us all.

I will hand one thing (besides a GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL card) to Tyga. “Stimulated” samples Robert Miles’Children” and that’s really fitting.

And here’s Tyga and Kylie, who is probably wearing one of Blac Chyna’s old wigs, at the VMAs last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Anna Duggar’s Parents Are Even “More Extreme” Than The Duggars

/ August 27, 2015

Josh Duggar checked into long-term treatment the other day after admitting that he cheated on his wife and after a porn star came forward claiming that she had rough, bareback sex with the Pillsbury Dough Douche. It turns out that the rehab facility Josh is in, is actually a Christian labor camp where he’ll spend the next few months studying the bible and doing labor. So, I’m guessing that a pastor type will scream “PORN IS BAD” at him while he makes a church pew out of plywood. So while he’s off becoming even more sexually repressed, his wife Anna Duggar has to raise their four kids without even thinking about looking at the exit door since she’s not allowed to leave.

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Rosie O’Donnell’s Daughter Has Moved In With Her Biological Mother

/ August 26, 2015

Just a few days after Rosie O’Donnell’s teenage daughter Chelsea was discovered by police hiding in the house of a 25-year-old dude she met on Tinder, she has left home again. TMZ says that Chelsea turned 18 on Monday and she spent her birthday driving to Wisconsin to live with her born mother Deanna Micoley for a while. Rosie didn’t exactly give her blessing and an already messy situation just got another layer of messy added to it.

Chelsea became a part of Rosie’s family in 1997 and she didn’t have any contact with Deanna until last year. Chelsea tracked her down and the two have been talking ever since. TMZ says that on Monday, Deanna drove from Wisconsin to New York to pick up Chelsea. Rosie didn’t want Chelsea to go, but she went anyway. Rosie responded to that by cutting her off financially. Rosie is also keeping Chelsea’s birth certificate and social security card.

A few months ago, Deanna went to The National Enquirer and accused Rosie of “stealing” Chelsea in 1997. Deanna claims she was high on the bad shit at the time she gave birth to Chelsea and her then husband forced her to give the baby up for adoption. Deanna thinks that Rosie must’ve known that she was fucked up on drugs and was in no condition to make a giant decision like putting her baby up for adoption. Deanna said at the time that Rosie didn’t like Chelsea talking to her and tried to tear them apart:

“Rosie wants to paint me as a horrible person and says adopting Chelsea saved her from a life of misery. Rosie even hired someone to dig up my criminal record and gave it to Chelsea. But bless her heart, Chelsea told me the past was the past, and she loves me!”

This whole situation is a wreck, but leaving home because you’re pissed at your mom is pretty common. I did it and I lasted about 45 minutes. Also, I have a feeling Chelsea will go back to Rosie’s house after spending 2 hours waiting in the line from hell to get a new birth certificate and social security card.

And this mess is giving me “Losing Isaiah” vibes. Only in this version, Halle Berry is a white lady from Wisconsin, Jessica Lange is Rosie O’Donnell and Isaiah is a teenage ginger whose Tinder friend is in jail for allegedly texting her a dick pic.

Pic: @Rosie

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England’s Finest Rose Got Married!

/ August 26, 2015

A real British royal wedding happened yesterday, and unlike those attention whores Duchess Kate and Prince William, it wasn’t televised for the public, because the bride is a demure and private flower.

Jodie Marsh, the goddess Duchess Kate aspires to be, made the cherubs barf up a stream of hearts and rainbows when she made some dude named James Placido the luckiest mere mortal on the planet by marrying him. James is technically Jodie’s first husband. In 2007, Jodie fake married her rival Katie Price’s ex Matt Peacock. Matt was a contestant on her reality show, Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Ass Aisle? The producers eventually found out that Matt and Jodie were dating before shooting started and she made him audition for the show. They split up after 3 months of fake wedded bliss and Jodie admitted the marriage was for TV and never real. So basically, Kim Kardashian is a Sam’s Choice version of Jodie Marsh.

Jodie made the announcement about her first genuine marriage (I think) on Twitter today and you’d think that the British government would immediately declare it a national holiday. But that didn’t happen since THE QUEEN and Duchess Kate are jealous of Jodie’s regal beauty.

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The Dude From Josh Duggar’s Fake OkCupid Profile Claims He Has Lost Work Because Of This Mess

/ August 22, 2015

Isn’t there a part in the Bible that says “And if thy decides to seeketh side pieces, try not to ruin the career of the random dude whose picture thou taketh to use on your dating website profile“? I’m pretty sure there is.

So, remember when family values cheer captain Josh Duggar got caught with a secret OkCupid profile? And remember how he used a picture of some random guy instead of his own because, duh, his real face is pretty much a giant red flag for vaginas? Well, it looks like Josh Duggar has managed to screw more than just a bunch of chicks he met online. The random guy whose picture he used as his own recently told TMZ that this mess with Josh Duggar has screwed over his chances of getting work.

Matthew McCarthy, the dude seen flexing in a Hatebreed shirt in the OkCupid profile above, is actually a model and DJ from Hollywood. But he might soon be a server at Shakey’s if Josh Duggar keeps costing him work. Matthew claims that he’s already lost one DJ job because the club thought he was part of Josh’s schadenfreude-filled sex scandal. Matthew feels Josh’s use of his picture and subsequent job loss is somehow a defamation of his character, and is thinking about skipping down to a lawyer’s office. TMZ thinks Josh probably found Matthew’s picture by typing the words “random guy” into a Google image search, since Matthew’s picture is the third one to come up when you do that.

I’m no marketing major, but firing Matthew seems like a missed publicity opportunity to me. “One night only, DJ Not Josh Duggar, the face of the Josh Duggar sex scandal, spinning all your favorite hits. And just like Josh would want it, ladies are free before eleven.”

Pic: Gawker

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