As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!

“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.

“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.

“Yeah,” Stamos replied.

Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Pic: Getty

Last month, OK! ran a cover story claiming that 18-year-old Kylie Jenner dumped 26-year-old Tyga for a minute after she caught him texting with a 14-year-old girl he met on Instagram. The 14-year-old girl named Molly and her lawyer, THEE GLORIA ALLRED, held a press conference today to set shit straight and tell her side of what happened between her and the malnourished tattooed slug weasel.

OK! pixelated Molly’s face on their cover and they never named her, but she says that the kids at school still figured out that it’s her and wrecks on social media have been harassing her. OK!’s story should be read in a boiling bleach bath, because they claim that Molly was “excited” about Tyga flirting with her. Molly said in the press conference today that OK! printed lies. She says that Tyga found her on Instagram and she talked to him because she thought he was contacting about her music.

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It’s the final Hot Slut of the Month of 2015 and I can’t believe we made it this far without me throwing a bitch fit and saying, “Fuck it, I’m going to make the Abandoned Couch from 2008 our Hot Slut of 2015!” But well, we did it and we’ve got one more before we get into the biggest election to happen in 2016: Hot Slut of the Year. For December’s HSOTM, we’ve got two precious jewels from your childhood and two future icons of America. As always, 3 of the Hot Sluts got the most Facebook likes and the 4th one is a wild card picked by me. No, I didn’t pick the Barbie! I would’ve if she didn’t get enough FB likes. I picked Gary Fisher, because he is always feeling our pain. Here’s your picks:

– The Singing Telegram Girl (as played by Jane Wiedlin) from Clue.

– Loving You Barbie, the doll from the 80s who was almost as magical as Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie.

– Uncle Sam, the heroic bald eagle who did the lord’s work when he tried to knock the mangy beaver’s ass off of Donald Trump’s head.

– Gary Fisher, Carrie Fisher’s dog and Instagram star who is always completely over it.

This HSOTM battle royale is going to be a quick one, because I want to get right into Hot Slut of the Year. The winner will be announced on Wednesday. Happy voting!

Oh, here’s Ricky Martin just casually hanging out in his Spandex swim chonies in front of a photographer, two assistants, a lighting team, four stylists, a nipple waxer, a pose coach, a bronzer applier and a hair person. Ricky Martin threw up this casual nipple-hardening picture of his dad bod on Instagram today and he should’ve left it at that, but he had to ruin the moment by vomiting up a chunky wave of hashtags.

#islander #beachbum #livemylifebarefoot #saltyhair #sandyfeet #speedo #sunga #up #early #earlybird WAKE UP GANG. #newweek #newyear #2016

Whenever I see a trick using that many hashtags, I just want to channel my inner Helen Sinclair and grab their hands while saying, “Don’t hashtag!” But Ricky did burp up one hashtag I can appreciate. I didn’t know what “sunga” meant until I Googled it. I got two definitions for it. The Sunga is a Brazilian-style swimsuit for dudes. “Sunga” is also the name for waxing the hair off of your nuts. via Urban Dictionary

male version of the brazilian wax, involving hair being waxed off the man’s balls, butt crack, butt cheeks and pubic region

I guess not all hashtags are annoying. Sometimes hashtags can give you the image of Ricky Martin’s freshly waxed b-hole.

That picture of Leonardo DiCatchAHo is from the L.A. premiere of The Revenant last month. We should’ve known that his model-hungry dick was on the loose again, because that twinkle in his eyes tell me that he’s looking forward to jumping into an ocean full of blonde model poon to find his new piece-of-the-moment.

In “This Has Happened Before And It Will Happen Again” news, People says that 41-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio and his girlfriend of a few months Kelly Rohrbach are done. No, things didn’t come to an end after Leonardo spotted a disgusting wrinkle growing on her 25-year-old face and immediately called Sports Illustrated to have her replaced with a newer and fresher model. A “source” tells People that they are both just so, so busy. Leonardo is busy hustling his ass hard for that Oscar and Kelly’s busy doing what exactly I don’t know…

“They have been broken up for a few months now. They are very friendly and it’s super amicable. They are both so busy and he’s got a big movie coming out and she’s one of the biggest super models in the world. There is no other person in the picture.”

That source was either Kelly, Kelly’s publicist or someone who doesn’t know what the words “biggest,” “supermodel” and “world” mean.

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A few years ago when he was on MTV’s Teen Wolf, Colton Haynes’ lawyer tried to scrub the Internet of the pictures of him getting into some twink-on-twink action for the now dead gay magazine XY. Colton Haynes’ team didn’t want the innocent eyes of the children tainted by the images of him doing gay stuff! Well, those days are gone and Colton Haynes may or may not have subtly come out.

On Saturday, Tumblr user pornandmariah (ha) declared how excited they were about discovering Colton Haynes’ secret gay past. Colton read pornandmariah’s post and answered by saying that his gay past was never on the shush:

Colton also tweeted this:

No fear this year. Cheers #2016

— Colton Haynes (@ColtonLHaynes) January 1, 2016

When I read the headlines this past weekend about Colton Haynes of Arrow “coming out,” I expected to see video of him yodeling at the top of his lungs about his undying love for dick while waving a rainbow flag as he rode on a hoverboard down Santa Monica Blvd. I was ready to wish him a Happy New Queer, but his response and tweet are pretty coy. Maybe by “Was it a secret?” he was referring to his gay twink spread in XY? Maybe by “No fear this year” he meant that he’s the new face of No Fear (Is that shit still around?). It’s times like these when I really need a Rosetta Stone emoji edition. Because maybe all of his emojis translate into: “Yay! I love peen!”

And here’s Colton Haynes in Miami on New Year’s Eve Day:

Pics: Splash