Actor, rapper, down-low Scientologist, rich kid, world-renowned scientist, inventor of gender fluidity, Twitter poet, stoned toddler and reincarnation of Moses, Jaden Smith, can add the title of “supermodel” to his resume now. The 17-year-old genderless Galileo was named the new face of Louis Vuitton Women’s Spring/Summer 2016 campaign. Louis Vuitton’s creative director, Nicolas Ghesquiere, posted a picture on Instagram of a coma eye’d Jaden wearing a skirt and a shirt made out of my abuelita’s macrame plant holder while posing next to three models who look like Charlie’s Angels if Charlie’s Angels were hungry alien praying mantises from a faraway planet where happiness doesn’t exist. I thought the model all the way to the left was The Curious Case of Ali Lohan until I realized that’s impossible. If Ali Lohan shot a Louis Vuitton campaign, Page Six would’ve already posted a story about how Dina “White Oprah” Lohan slurred out the words,” Do yooze know who I am? My daughter is the fashe of Louise Veetwan,” as she got kicked out of a club on Long Island.

Nicholas added this little note on Instagram:

“Happy to introduce Jaden Smith @christiaingrey in the new SS16 @louisvuitton ad Campaign photographed by Bruce Weber.”

Jaden Smith’s Instagram name is @christiangrey, which only makes sense because it came from the mind of Jaden Smith.

You know, I am all for this, because the more time Jaden Smith spends enlightening the modeling world with his sleep walking poses, the less time he’ll have to make more cinematic turds. It’s a good thing.

And here’s another one of Jaden without his Not-So-Mighty Power Rangers:

Happy to introduce Jaden Smith @christiaingrey in the new SS16 @louisvuitton ad Campaign photographed by Bruce Weber

A photo posted by (@nicolasghesquiere) on Jan 2, 2016 at 3:33pm PST

We’re all probably rolling our eyes at this pose. Jaden and Louis Vuitton probably think that pose is super high fashion, but please. All of us do that pose when we fall asleep while typing at our desks on a Monday morning.

I’m starting my 2016 off with the sicks. I caught some kind of sinus infection cold thing while I was in Denver for New Year’s and strangely enough, my usual HOlistic treatment of choice (weed, booze, porn and Slim Jims) hasn’t killed it yet. I know, weird. So the past few days, I’ve been hacking up disgusting phlegm balls that look like a cross between mutilated Ghoulies and the butt discharge of Jabba the Hutt. But yet, spitting up globs of alien jizz haven’t grossed me out as much as this picture of Justin Bieber sucking face did. I know, my bitter ass obviously doesn’t understand pure love.

Stephen Baldwin’s Instagram model daughter, Hailey Baldwin, has apparently been Justin Bieber’s casual hook-up trick for a little while now. A couple of months ago, the Biebs told Billboard that he and Hailey Baldwin weren’t a thing. But last night, she may have been officially upgraded to main piece when the Biebs posted a picture of them airing out their armpits while touching lips on Instagram. That’s the “raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a thirst bucket” pose. The two spent the holidays together in Anguilla and St. Barts.

So, let’s see, Hailey Baldwin is doing Justin Bieber who did Selena Gomez who may be doing Niall Horran who is in One Direction with Harry Styles who may be double bearding with Kendull Jenner who is friends with Hailey Baldwin and Gigi Hadid who is doing Zayn Malik who was in One Direction with Niall and Harry.  Those messes are the Wonky McValtrex, Brandon Davis, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Starving Nachos, Mischa Barton and Harry Morton of 2016. And I’m just bracing myself for when some magazine inevitably calls them “the new Brat Pack” again.

And after the cut are a few more Instagram pictures of Young Hollywood High’s most annoying couple, including a picture of Justin Bieber looking like the star of Nick Jr.’s remake of Miami Vice.

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The Magic Carpet Dog!

Holiday break is over and some of us have to peel our hungover, lazy ass carcasses from the couch where it’s been for a few days while binge-watching Making A Murderer. (Side note: Barb Janda should be everyone’s hair beauty icon.) So let’s get back into this bitch hard with an extremely important breaking news video of a dog sitting on a pink blanket as his human takes him for a beautiful ride filled with dreams and magic. Sorry, Princess Jasmine, but no trick has ever ridden a magic carpet blanket like this trick.

Before this video, hoverboards were good for only 2 things: dazzling Catholics in the Philippines and giving hos a laugh as they watch someone eat ground after falling off of one. And now there’s 3 good uses for a hoverboard. A human thew a blanket over one and took his dog for a ride. I can show you the wooooorld….

That’s pretty much me in 2016. My lazy ass is going to sit on a blanket as I’m dragged around while thinking to myself, “When is this stupid shit going to end?!” Happy 2016!

via Arbroath

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Pic: Getty

In case you couldn’t tell from that picture above, Tommy Lee does this thing when he’s performing with Mötley Crüe where he plays a song from a drum kit that’s attached to a roller coaster track. I’ve seen it in real life (because I’m a trash rat who loves Mötley Crüe), and it’s pretty insane. But something terrible happened during Mötley Crüe’s final show in Los Angeles on New Year’s Eve, and no, it wasn’t that they ran out of groupies backstage. While climbing over the second hump, Tommy Lee’s drum kit roller coaster quit on him and left him dangling upside down like a dirtbaggy ragdoll. It all happens around the 3:30 mark.

Fun Fact! Tommy Lee wasn’t even strapped in to that thing; he managed to avoid falling into the crowd by wrapping his super long dick around his drum kit and hanging on for dear life.

Eventually a couple roadies shimmied up the track and tried to kickstart its heart (I’ll show myself the door for that one), but it was pretty much dead and Tommy had to climb down. Tommy Lee wasn’t hurt, of course, because Tommy Lee is our species’ closest link to the cockroach and will live forever.

via Stereogum

The last time we glanced at Drake’s Hilroy notebook, he had crossed out Rihanna’s name and was scribbling “Serena Williams” (I’s dotted with hearts, of course) all over the cover. Something must have happened, because all of a sudden they weren’t a thing anymore. Maybe Drake triggered Serena’s clinger alarm by sending her a link to MakeMeBabies.com one day (“OMG Wouldn’t it be so funny if we did this as a joke? Haha totally not serious lol…but like, what are your favorite baby names?“). Who knows.

But it sounds like Drake hasn’t been spending his nights crying into his Kyle Lowry jersey and listening to Everything’s Dust by Downtown Sasquatch. According to Page Six, Wheelchair Jimmy has recently been popping his emergency brake for Amber Rose. A source (greetings, Amber!) says that Drake and Amber had a “very private” dinner on Friday night in Miami. Hollywood Life jumped in and backed up Page Six by saying that a insider told them Drake and Amber were also seen the Soho Beach House together and that “they definitely seemed more than friends.”

Neither Drake or Amber have confirmed that they’re humping on each other. Amber did, however, Instagram a video of Drake dancing in one of Amber’s MUVA hats yesterday, so I’ll take that as a hard yes.

Drake and Amber Rose make total sense to me. I mean, Drake loves strippers, and Amber used to be one. Plus, Amber is an undeniable authority on asses, which is something that will no doubt come in very handy when dealing with Drake.

Pics: Wenn.com