Category: Jamie Oliver

Adele Isn’t Exactly Here For Jamie Oliver’s Recent Comments About Breastfeeding

March 28, 2016 / Posted by:

A few weeks ago, golden retriever-looking chef and twee name enthusiast Jamie Oliver said during an interview with LBC Radio that the next big problem-solving mission facing Britain is to fix their breastfeeding problem. Jamie’s solution is for more moms to breastfeed their babies instead of giving them formula, because tit milk is, according to Jamie, easy, convenient, nutritious, better, and free. Sadly, he can probably count out Adele recording a cover of “Rolling in the Deep” called “Sucking on the Nip” to use as the theme song for his nationwide breastfeeding movement, because she’s not having any of it.

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Soon The World Will Get Another Baby With A My Little Pony Name

March 17, 2016 / Posted by:

When Jamie Oliver isn’t out there trying to be the kindler, gentler and healthier Gordon Ramsay, he’s busting fat-free raw nuts up into his wife Jools Oliver and making babies.

Jamie and Jools were at the London premiere of Eddie The Eagle tonight and it was clear that she was either trying to smuggle in bags of popcorn or another fetus has checked into womb. It’s the second one, duh. They told The Mirror that their hippie-named child army is about to get its fifth member. Jamie and Jools’ current child army is made up of 3 girls and 1 boy, and he said that he’d like another dude baby, but he’s okay with whatever they get. Jamie also said that after their fifth kid is born, Jools is going to put up a closed sign on her uterus and pull down the metal gate, because they’re going to retire from the baby making game.

 “You know what, I’m always grateful for what I get, it would be nice to balance it out a bit. A bit more testosterone would probably be a good thing, but do you know what, I’m just grateful for whatever I get if it’s healthy and I mean that sincerely.

This was not expected, I can’t even believe I’m saying it. I think my own family were like ‘really?’. But we’re all tuned in to kids, it’s good, it’s carnage.”

But really, who cares about all that. The only thing that matters is what kind of Bath & Body Works lotion scent of a name are they going to give their fifth baby. Jamie and Jools have been purveyors of fuckery-infused baby names for years and they better not let us down for the first time. Jamie only told The Mirror that he’s leaving the name-picking to his wife, as he’s always done. In case you forgot, these are the names of their kids. No, I’m not high on acid and typing the things I’m hallucinating. These are their real names.

Their 14-year-old daughter’s name is Poppy Honey Rosie.

Their 12-year-old daughter’s name is Daisy Boo Pamela.

Their 6-year-old daughter’s name is Petal Blossom Rainbow.

Their 5-year-old son’s name is  Buddy Bear Maurice.

So based on those names, I’m going to guess that if it’s a girl, they’re going to name her: Periwinkle Agave Anne, Pollen Bloom Cloud, Daffodil Sparkle Claire or Scootaloo Pound Cake Lotus. If they have a boy, they’re going to name him: Pal Panda Capone or Chum Camel Vito. Or maybe they’ll completely make us all prolapse out of shock by giving their kid a name like: Jane [no middle name] Oliver. God, I hope not.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Jamie Oliver Says He Punishes His Kids By Rubbing Hot Peppers On Their Food

November 20, 2014 / Posted by:

British chef Jamie Oliver is a guy who loves food, so it should come as no surprise that he’d manage to find a way to discipline his kids with it. According to The Daily Mail, Jamie recently gave an impromptu crash-course in food-based mouth torture during an appearance at the BBC Good Food Show when he admitted to keeping his kids in line by sneaking hot peppers into their mouths. Why hot peppers? Because he’s famous and he can’t get caught by the paps…er…”removing his chancla”, so to speak:

“I give them chillies for punishment. It is not very popular beating kids any more, it’s not very fashionable and you are not allowed to do it and if you are a celebrity chef like me it does not look very good in the paper. So you need a few options.”

He then proceeded to tell the story about the time his 12-year-old daughter Poppy was being rude and disrespectful and acting like a straight-up brat (source: was once a bratty 12-year-old girl). But instead of punishing her in the most ruthless way you can punish a 12-year-old girl – by taking away Mall Madness – he taught her a lesson by grabbing a hot pepper and rubbing it all over her food:

“Poppy was quite disrespectful and rude to me and she pushed her luck. In my day I would have got a bit of a telling-off but you are not allowed to do that. Five minutes later she thought I had forgotten and I hadn’t. She asked for an apple. I cut it up into several pieces and rubbed it with Scotch Bonnet and it worked a treat. She ran up to mum and said, ‘This is peppery’. I was in the corner laughing. [Jools] said to me, ‘Don’t you ever do that again’.”

Damn, Jamie – I’m the asshole British chef, remember?” says Gordon Ramsay, as he whips an overcooked beef wellington at his sous chef.

I’m sure there are some people right now who are screaming “CHILD ABUSE!!!” while running to the fridge to grab a glass of milk for poor Poppy, to which I’d like to add “AND ALSO FOOD ABUSE!!!“, because food should NEVER be used for evil! And Jamie’s a dum dum, because I’m pretty sure this is how prank wars are started. Jamie is gonna get got – Poppy is 12, and 12-year-olds are smart. Look out Jamie – you’re about 3 hot pepper apples away from finding Nair in your shampoo or your toilet seat wrapped in Saran Wrap.

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