I thought I had heard the most ‘Murican story last week when a 21-year-old mom went on Maury to prove that her man is the father of her son and ended up becoming a meme because she has the same face as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. But no, that story topped itself after Ted Cruz’s lady face twin was offered $10,000 to do porn and she took the deal. Thanks to the 2008 election, we got Who’s Nailin’ Paylin. And now thanks to the 2016 election, we’re getting ThrusTED: Cruzin’ 4 An Oozin’.

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And as Alexander Skarsgard strut his viking ass past that parking meter, it squirted out a stream of jizz from its coin slot. ASkars kept struttin’ because he’s used to that by now.

Just the other day, I was wondering if the human form of a mud-covered Glastonbury Wellie, Alexa Chung, was still swinging her poon from Tarzan’s dick vine, and I got my answer over the weekend. The paparazzi somehow magically caught ASkars and the professional festival goer holding hands while leaving some restaurant in Studio City, CA. These pictures are honestly kind of unnatural and weird to me. I mean, why would you hold ASkars’ hand when you can hold his peen while walking down the street? Also, why would you go to a restaurant to eat? If your ASkars’ piece and he says to you, “I’m hungry,” you’d immediately rip off your clothes and serve lunch on your bare crotch. That’s what any normal and sane person would do!

Something in the Swedish leche ain’t clean about this and I would investigate further, but right now I need to file a police report against Alexa Chung’s thieving ass. Trick obviously broke into my mom’s garage, went through the cardboard boxes and stole the outfit my sister wore on 3rd grade picture day in the 80s.

Pics: Wenn.com

What you are looking at above is Ashley Judd, Jim Belushi, Amanda Seyfried, David Duchovny, Naomi Watts, Matthew Lillard, Michael Cera, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Trent Reznor. And if you can believe it, you’re only looking at less than 20% of the cast of the Twin Peaks reboot. I hope Showtime knows how to place a casual encounters ad on Craigslist, because something tells me they’re going to need to make a couple extra bucks to make sure all those paychecks don’t bounce.

The cast list for Showtime’s Twin Peaks reboot was announced today. We already knew that most of the original cast was open to coming back. But thanks to Showtime, we now know that pretty much everyone in David Lynch’s Rolodex is coming with them. Variety has a screen grab of the cast list, and I’ve put it after the cut.

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Since we’re on the subject of crazed mega fans with insanity running through their veins, here’s pictures from over the weekend of coochie seizure-inducer Charlie Hunnam in NYC with his jewelry designer girlfriend of a few years Morgana McNelis. Or as some of his crazed mega fans call her (probably), Tramp Slut Thotty Whore McHussyFace.

Last month, Lainey Gossip posted about a weird video message that Charlie Hunnam made for the batshit fans who were throwing hate balls at his girlfriend. Originally, Charlie gave a “leave my girlfriend aloooone” note to Tina, a woman who runs one of his fan sites. Tina posted the note and many of his fans didn’t believe it came from him. When they called Tina a liar, Charlie made a video message where he said that the note was real and he wants all of his Hunnamaniacs to stop messing with Tina and his girlfriend. It was something to file in a folder labeled “Being Famous Is Weird.”

Well, Morgana must think that the streets are safe again, because she came out in NYC over the weekend. That lady behind Morgana is me, because she’s obviously saying to her friend, “I can’t believe you’re taking pictures of stupid buildings when you should be taking pictures of dat ass right there.” But honestly, I’m disappointed in that Morgana chick. Because what’s the point of hitting the pap stroll with  Charlie Hunnam if you’re not going to wear a third trimester baby pillow with a maternity t-shirt that reads, “Your Fake Boyfriend Busted A Raw Nut Up Into This. Seethe, Hos, Seethe!” Really, there’s no point at all!

Pics: FameFlynet

Someone call up Michelle Rodriguez with the good news that her favorite lil’ party buddy is single and ready to mingle on the boat circuit with her this summer. Start stocking up on cases of Seagram’s Escapes and Malibu 6 tanning oil now, Michelle!

Earlier today, InTouch noticed that it looked like Zac Efron had removed all traces of his girlfriend of almost two years Sami Miró from his social media life. Gone were any pictures of Sami from Zac’s Instagram account, and he was no longer following her on Twitter. To those who require a Millenial to English translation, Zac basically peeled away the cellophane from the pages of his photo albums, ripped out every picture of Sami, and threw them in the trash along with the tape of saved answering machine messages. UsWeekly and E! News are saying that several sources have confirmed to them that Zac and Sami are no longer together.

As for the reason why, neither Zac or Sami have officially said anything about it. Even those sources didn’t have anything to say besides the fact that they were officially done. But according to InTouch, it might have something to do with a rumor that Sami was getting on a dick that wasn’t Zac’s at Coachella this past weekend.

However, based on those recent-ish shirtless pictures of Zac’s muscles, I’m more inclined to believe that he was the one who is leaving her for another someone else. And that someone else is creatine. My guess is that Zac was trying to balance them both, “The Boy Is Mine“-style, and got busted after whispering Sami’s name while chugging his morning protein shake. And when forced to choose between the two, he’s obviously going to choose his protein. Sorry Sami, you just can’t compete with the bitch who keeps Zac bulked-up like a human climbing wall.

Here’s Zac and Sami arriving at Jimmy Kimmel Live! way way back in January. As much as I want to have something to say about Sami’s lack of pants situation, I can’t, because I’m far too hypnotized by those gorgeous acrylic nail tips.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.

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