Those lazy British royals Prince William and Duchess Kate are finally earning their room and board by waving, smiling and shaking hands at events. Princess William and Duchess Kate are currently on an all-expenses paid luxurious tour through India and Bhutan. When you’re slumped over in your cubicle at around 4:45 pm today after crashing from all the coffee you injected into your veins to deal with your annoying co-workers, remember that you could have it a lot worse. You could be doing hard labor by shaking hands while wearing designer outfits through India.

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And not in a “Watch as I make 3/4 of your dick magically disappear into my mouth” way either. The closest DNA match to a plastic microphone from the Vanilla Ice Electronic Rap Game, Iggy Azalea, is once again talking about that time her fiance Nick Young cheated on her. Except this time, she said that Nick won’t get off so easy if he does it again.

During a recent appearance on WiLD 94.1’s O & The Freaks radio show (via TMZ), Iggy admitted that she’ll cut off part of Nick’s dick if she discovers that it’s been in another random. When asked whether Iggy will be the type of basketball wife to snoop through Nick’s away game bags for stray hoochie weave hairs or just accept that his dick is going to roam free on the road, Iggy answered:

“No, I’m not cool with it. Like, you will have half a penis. I already said ‘One more video, just one more thing, and you will lose a quarter of your meat.’ That’s why he got to slide this time. Just let me get some real evidence, and you’re gonna lose half an inch.”

It all happens around the 1:57 mark.

Who knew that Iggy’s spirit animal was Lorena Bobbitt? Also, what was that “lose half an inch” comment? She says she’ll cut off between a quarter to half of his dick, then says he’ll lose half an inch. Does that mean Nick Young is working with a 1-2″ dick? Either that was a bit of subtle shade on the size of Nick’s penis, or Iggy’s way of confirming that she’s as good at fractions as she is at rapping and paying her taxes.

But if Nick decides to cheat on Iggy again, he could always protect “his meat” by telling Iggy that his dick is cursed and if she cuts it off, she’ll be forced to do an on-the-spot freestyle rap during every radio interview for the rest of her life. If she believes him, then it’s safe to say his dick is safe forever.

Here’s Iggy at a Miami Beach Gay Pride event this weekend. Iggy was the Grand Marshall this year. I guess Miami Beach’s greatest legend, Starina, wasn’t available.

Pics: Splash

I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.

As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.

This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:

And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?

Pics: Getty, AP

The last time we checked in on the addict-saving efforts of the Florence Nightingale-for-ratings of the Kardashian family, Khloe Kardashian, she was trying to get her husband-in-the-technical-sense Lamar Odom into rehab after he started boozing again.

Khloe now might be giving up on her dream of the KUWTK kameras catching her blowing a good-luck kiss to Lamar through the rehab gates. Khloe went onto Instagram yesterday and poured her heart out about this rehab drama with Lamar. Either the test audiences at E! weren’t responding to the Khloe Saves Lamar…Again storyline or she’s too busy finding ways to insert herself into Rob Kardashian’s messy engagement plot, because it sounds like she’s done with Lamar’s rescue.

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GOOPY’s ass-stick is 100% organic, ethically hand-harvested, unprocessed, and unfinished free trade west coast sequoia, thank you very much. – portapetey

Upvote winner:

Taking the new Beamer out for a spin. – Paylo

Pic: Break

You know, I was going to use this for the CAPTION THIS contest today, but well, it’s Monday again. And when Monday hits, aren’t we all just a drunk dude in an ugly-as-shit shirt and loafers taking a nap in the filthy and sticky ass bathroom of a dive bar in Columbia, SC?

Three of the UK’s most distinguished literary journals, The Sun, The Mirror and The Daily Star all posted this picture from Reddit that was taken at Pavlov’s in Columbia, SC. No, the dude isn’t one of those kinky golden shower lovers who gets the full-body tingles from lying in a urinal as he gets pissed on. (“Tell me more about that...” – R. Kelly.) The Redditor who posted this mess captioned it with the words, “College done not so right,” so dude is probably just a college student who decided to sleep off the drunks in a cozy urinal trough. He’s as good at picking nap places as he is at picking shirts to wear out in public. I’ve been so wasted that I’ve done some fucked-up shit (examples: watch an Adam Sandler movie, eat the tacos at Jack In The Box, download an Ariana Grande Latte song, etc…), but I’ve never been wasted to the point that a piss bin seems like a wonderful sleeping place to me. Although, it was probably warm….

And with that, I welcome everyone to this ugly, ugly Monday!

Pic: Reddit