Because this week is just full of highly important BREAKING NEWS stories, a picture of Michael Bublé working the tip of a corn on the cob at Disneyland has gone viral and has got people wondering if his Canadian ass knows how corn on the cob works. The answer is: Yes. Yes, he does. The tricks who are looking at that picture with question marks in their eyes are the ones who don’t know how corn on the cob works. Here’s the picture:

Sad Michael Bublé is not sure how to eat corn on the cob https://t.co/kYN2Tf0ZDT pic.twitter.com/sI71H2SBj0

— Mashable (@mashable) April 14, 2016

“I don’t see the problem.” – Marcus Bachmann and me.

That is definitely how a grown adult eats corn on the cob. Everyone knows that you’re supposed to slather that corn in butter and then deep throat that butter right off. Then you start on the tip and work your way down. Sure, when your mouth gets tired, you can give it to that corn harmonica-style for a little bit, but then you gotta go right back in. When nature gives you something that’s sort of shaped like a dick, you owe it to nature to eat it like a dick!

I mean, if the way you eat corn on the cob doesn’t make people want to take your picture and have some Photoshop fun with it, then you’re eating corn on the cob the wrong way. If the way you eat corn on the cob doesn’t make people think of the Camron lyric, “Lick, suck, deep throat, stop, cough, hop on, hop off, lollipop off, I know it’s white yellow, but here come the hot sauce,” then you’re eating corn on the cob the wrong way. And Michael Bublé is definitely eating it the right way!

I mean, not a lot better, since we all know her vagina craves douchebag-flavored dick. But at least better than professional headache Justin Bieber. So remember back in October, when the Kardashian sister that most closely resembles Kim’s original body and face, Kourtney Kardashian, was seen slinking out of a club with Justin Bieber? And then two months later a rumor started going around that the two were doing it regularly? Well according to People, it’s still going on.

A source tells People that soon-to-be 37-year-old Kourtney and just-turned 22-year-old Justin have been “hooking up on and off for a few months now.” No one can really know for sure whether or not Justin and Kourtney are friends with-I-wouldn’t-call-humping-on-Bieber-a-benefit. But this might explain things for Justin’s on-again/off again girlfriend Selena Gomez if his dick has smelled like laser-fried cooch recently.

I’m all for anyone getting it, whatever “it” does it for them. But to quote the great Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction your buffoonery, Kourtney. Justin may be 22, but his brain can’t be more advanced than that of a 16-year-old high school drop out. And you know that would carry over into how he has sex. I bet he calls it “gettin’ nasty“, will only do it on the couch in her rec-room after putting Family Guy on mute, and only pulls his boxers down to his knees. If Khloe really wants to save someone, she should swoop and save her sister. At the very least, someone needs to teach her how to love herself.

Here’s Kourtney with the other children in her life, her actual children Penelope and Reign, leaving some singing class in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Last December, the NYDN started the rumor that Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger were dry humping each other at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was on vacation in the Philippines. Reps spits out the usual denials, Joshua’s dad laughed about it to Radar and Pacey and Diane proved that their love was alive by posing at some event together two months later. Well, Norman’s hipster Lenny from Laverne & Shirley-looking ass and Diane Kruger were together again at a screening for their movie Sky in NYC last night. Joshua Jackson is also in the movie, but he wasn’t there last night.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!!

If I don’t look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they’re well aware of those rumors and don’t want anyone to think that they’re really doing ass-to-ass with a cucumber. If I do look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they have done it but don’t want to look like they’ve done it. Norman and Diane also look like irresponsible chaperones at a Florida high school prom who just got caught getting into some sweaty, meth-fueled fuck times on the floor of the gym bathroom. But then again, they always kind of look like that.

Here’s more pictures of Norman and Diane last night as well as pictures of them at TIFF last September. In the pictures from last night, Diane is wearing an outfit that looks a lot like the outfit my best friend at the time wore to our 8th grade spring dance in the 90s. The teachers said that the top part was too risqué so they made her wear a t-shirt over it. Basically, she looked a billion times more glamorous than Diane.

Pics: AP, Splash

Miley Cyrus has done a pretty good job of making people think she’s engaged to her former fiance Liam Hemsworth. Sources have whisperin’ since last April that that the reformed queen of rodent raunchiness is back to putting her bits on Liam. Then in January she started wearing her old engagement ring on that finger. She even bought the house right beside his. But according to Liam Hemsworth, nobody is fixin’ to get hitched to nobody. So put away your achy breaky bolo tie, Billy Ray; you ain’t walking no critter kin down the aisle just yet.

Liam recently spoke to Australia’s TV Week (via Entertainment Tonight) about his relationship status, and this is what he had to say about the situation with Miley:

“I am not engaged, no.”

So either Liam is lying or Miley is lying. Hmmm…would Miley be thirsty enough to fake an engagement for a little extra attention? I could have sworn she put her obvious publicity-sniffin’ days behind her when she ended her relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son.

Miley has never technically admitted that she’s been wearing her purdiest rang what she done got back in 2012 because Liam re-proposed to her. That was just the rumor that was going around. Sure, Miley and Liam were just spotted together at the premiere of The Huntsman: Winter’s War on Monday. But maybe they’re doing the just friends thing because Miley is engaged to someone else? It’s not that crazy, right? Maybe one of the psychedelic backwards-talking weed visions that appears to Miley in the mirror after her 8th bong rip got a little too romantic one night and popped the question. “Of course ah’ll marry you, two-headed rainbow bullfrog! What’s that? You couldn’t get me no ring cause you don’t got no jewelry stores in THC Town? That’s okay, I got an old engagement ring around here somewheres.”

Pic: Splash

In that picture, the part of me is being played by the cross-eyed dude on the left making a “Can you believe these wrecks?” face.

As most of you know, I am a 12-year-old trapped in the body of a grown skinny fat gay dude. I have the maturity of one (no offense to the maturity of a 12-year-old), the humor of one and like many of them, I am glued to my phone like it’s more important than any of my internal organs (and it is). I hardly misplace my phone, but when I do, I want to call the police and beg them to issue an AMBER ALERT on that bitch. Because if they did, my own phone would scream out that loud AMBER ALERT alarm and I’d be able to find it.

But even though my hands are stuck to my phone like it’s a 9″ peen, I still let it go and put it away when I’m at the movies. But some tricks can’t do that and there’s always at least one rude bitch who has to annoy everyone in their area with a douche signal (aka a beam of light shooting off of a cell phone in a dark movie theater). AMC obviously knows that some inconsiderate messes can’t resist the urge to text during a movie and yesterday, they thought out loud about possibly letting those chronic texters text in some theaters. It went over as well as a wet fart during a salad tossing.

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It’s Friday, and what better thing to prepare you for the potential messiness of the weekend than a tale about a country star getting busted for coke and weed in a room full of strippers in Florida. This one comes courtesy of a country singer named Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band. If you’ve ever gotten your car radio stuck on a country channel, you might know Zac Brown as the guy who sings the song “Chicken Fried.” I’m sure for most of us, he’s little more than the beefy, bearded, n’ bald version of Chris O’Donnell we’re looking at in the picture above. But really, you don’t need to know anything about Zac Brown to appreciate the messiness of this story, so let’s get into it.

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