Open Post: Hosted By “The Grudge Vs The Ring”
The PR wizards in Hollywood have been working really hard to sell you grudge match battle smash ups lately. Batman v Superman and The Hunstman: Spring’s Flop have been shoved in our faces to the point that I can’t even feel my face anymore, and no, it has nothing to do with what I did last night so don’t go there. Those big studio pushers have clearly been making all that effort to try and cover up the true battle movie of the year… THE GRUDGE VS THE RING!
They knew the second we got wind of this sure to be masterpiece we would give even less of a shit about a Batman with a man rack and two questionable drag queens slinging mirrors and ice at each other. This is exactly the kind of knock down, all out brawl we’ve been waiting for since Freddy vs Jason, starring Kelly Rowland, graced the screen. The Japanese always do it better so I’m going to really have to work hard to prepare myself for this. Sadako captured our hearts and scared the shit out of me when she popped her ass out of TVs in The Ring and later as Samara in the US remake and Kayako slowly contortion walked her way to us in The Grudge and its American remakes. It was only a matter of time before these titans of J-Horror met to duke it out.
It comes out June 16 in Japan and has no US release date yet, but I’m sure it’ll find its way to DVD somehow… or cursed VHS tape that goes around to Academy voters and says they have seven days to give it all the Oscars or they’ll die aka forced to watch All About Steve. Let’s all raise our Sunday drinks to these two little Japanese ghost girls showing the big boys how you really do a fight!
(via A.V. Club)
The Huntsman: Spring’s Flop
There’s this tiny little movie that’s just come out, you probably haven’t even heard of it or seen any ads for it. No, sorry. I meant the opposite of that. The Huntsman: Winter’s War finally came out this weekend and has been assaulting us from every angle for what feels like ages now. It’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture or video of Charlize Theron in that gold medieval drag get up. Well, the joke’s on Universal because this all out attack on our eyes, ears and nerves backfired. The Hunstman flopped this weekend.
The sans Kristen Stewart prequel/sequel/whocaresquel has a grade A Hollywood star cast – Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain – but that wasn’t enough to get American butts into American movie theater seats, reports the Hollywood Reporter. Emphasis on the American because it’s made a little over $80 million overseas in the past two weeks. But it brought in only $20 million here on its opening weekend. The first movie opened with $56 million here in the States and went on to make over $396 million worldwide.
This second mess cost $115 million to make and it’ll make that back, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for another one of these. Please God, don’t let them make another one of these, there is only so much we can take of Charlize’s wreck of an accent. People chose to see the new Jungle Book over the adult version of Frozen in a very big way because it continued to destroy everything else in theaters, making another $60 million. Poor Chris Hemsworth, nothing but the Thor movies seem to work for him. But he’s making unfathomable amounts of money from those and probably from this, so, no, actually I don’t care. Those Marvel hoes will never get any pity from me!
The weekend’s top five movies were:
1. The Jungle Book – $60.8 million
2. The Huntsman: Winter’s War – $20 million
3. Barbershop: The Next Cut – $10.9 million
4. Zootopia – $6.6 million
5. The Boss – $6.1 million
Pic: Universal
Attention Seeker Seeks Attention, As Usual
Because self-awareness and dignity are not things Kris’s Kadets learn, Kimmy Krapdashian surprised no one when she tried to make last night about her. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy… The waxed ball of butt implants decided to post a bunch of thirst trap pictures to Twitter and number them countdown/art serial number style while Beyonce’s Lemonade was airing on HBO last night. Koincedence? I think not. The black and white snaps are close-ups of legs and tits and her face, basically what comes to mind when you think of her. They’re also just krappy pictures kropped krappily with a black and white filter thrown in to try and make you think Kim is entering her “artist” phase.
Prince Has Been Cremated
If you’re a fan of all things opulent, ass-less, heeled and talented, this has not been your week. As we all know, The Purple One, Prince, passed away on Thursday and the autopsy has been done already. But we won’t know the cause of death for some time, despite Dr Aretha’s take on the whole thing. And now, Prince has been laid to rest.
NBC reported yesterday that a private ceremony for family, friends and close collaborators was held to celebrate and remember Prince. His body was released to his family Friday afternoon and he was cremated. Of the private ceremony, Prince’s publicist had this to say:
A few hours ago, Prince was celebrated by a small group of his most beloved: family, friends and his musicians, in a private, beautiful ceremony to say a loving goodbye.
His publicist also went on to say that while that ceremony was closed and private, there will be a “musical celebration” at some point in the near future that would be open for all. As for where Prince’s ashes will be kept, his publicist said that information will be kept private. I hope they at least spread a little bit of his ashes on the earth, because this world definitely needs the spirit of Prince’s glamour in the air.
Rachel Roy May Have Outed Herself As “Becky With The Good Hair” And The Beyhive Went After Her For It
Gone now is the mystery. The curtain has been lifted and the Wizard is revealed. Fog has come and gone, the light of the morning shining through, making clear what was once obscured. Making clear what once was but speculation and confusion. I’m talking about Beyonce‘s Lemonade, duh. And no, as I previously speculated, it was not three hours of Beyonce talking about and drinking lemonade, it was a “visual album“.
As Michael K mentioned last night, some of the songs from Lemonade were about a cheating ass cheater (cut to Jay-Z) and the “Becky with the good hair” he cheats with. And now, the “Becky with the good hair” may have outed herself.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The prettiest girl Ed Begley Jr. ever saw from the Country Time Lemonade commercial!
Before Beyonce spilled the scalding hot tea lemonade all over HBO last night, one of my Beyhive member friends texted me to ask if I was watching and told me that he and his fellow BumbleBey boyfriend made a giant pitcher of Country Time and vodka for the holyonce sermon they were about to witness. Yes, Country Time and vodka. I told him that he should’ve made a pitcher of Pledge and vodka instead, because Pledge is probably more all-natural and organic than Country Time. Dawn lemon-scented dish soap probably has more actual lemons in it than Country Time. But I digress…
My friend and I texted about the Country Time commercials from the olden times, and that made me think of the one from 80s that they played over and over again. Back when commercials gave us real storylines, drama, intrigue and surprise endings, Ed Begley Jr. played a young pepaw during a flashback in a Country Time Lemonade commercial. While sipping some Country Time with his grandchirrun, a pepaw tells the story of how he was stranded in some town on a hot day and the prettiest girl he ever did saw saved him from dying of thirst by giving him a glass of lemonade. Country Time reminds him of that glass of lemonade. The kids ask their grandaddy if he ever saw that prettiest girl again, and surprise! That prettiest girl is now their memaw!
That memaw kissed on him and acted all sweet, but I bet that once the children left the porch, she dumped his ass. Because comparing her lemonade to Country Time is some hurtful, hurtful divorce-worthy shade.