Good news for lovers of soggy Cheetos and sodium headaches! KFC will be offering a new menu item featuring everybody’s favorite weird dick-shaped snack, the Cheeto. According to Eater, beginning July 1 and for a limited time, KFC will be offering a Cheetos sandwich that will be available nationwide. However, those few Americans lucky enough to live in New York City (or willing to travel) will have the opportunity to sample an entire pop-menu of KFC by Cheeto foods, but you have to act fast. The pop-up “event” is one day only. Reservations are recommended if you want VIP access which I guess means bottle service and a lap dance from Chester Cheetah.
I thought I had heard the most ‘Murican story last week when a 21-year-old mom went on Maury to prove that her man is the father of her son and ended up becoming a meme because she has the same face as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. But no, that story topped itself after Ted Cruz’s lady face twin was offered $10,000 to do porn and she took the deal. Thanks to the 2008 election, we got Who’s Nailin’ Paylin. And now thanks to the 2016 election, we’re getting ThrusTED: Cruzin’ 4 An Oozin’.
An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that “it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants” is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today.
When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: “What is that chemical smell?” When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?).
Sometime during David’s struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David’s got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn’t cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance.
They should also charge David’s dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should’ve said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should’ve said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would’ve shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch would’ve blown up. This is why whenever I need to transport a portable meth lab in a car, I just hide it up in my no-no. Not even the most dedicated and bravest cop will ask me for a cavity search and if it explodes up in there, I wouldn’t even notice.
98% of JWoww was made in a plastic factory in China somewhere, but she’s still a proud American and what do proud Americans do on Geena Davis Day (she’s the only President I care enough about to honor)? They write a list of all the President’s they’d like to fuck, of course. Truth is, I’m twisting my taint for not coming up with this first.
The First Lady of the Back Alley Plastic Surgeon Office got patriotic on her blog yesterday and listed all the Presidents she’s wet smush on a moist mattress in the shore house. This list should really be the new Pledge of Allegiance:
Ulysses S. Grant
I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL.
Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn’t always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day.
He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book.
Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!
George W. Bush
We all know this guy liked to party Jersey style and that makes him A-OK in my book.
Movie star turned P.I.L.F!
Yes we can!
John F. Kennedy
Too much of a ladies man in his day, but he liked a lady with curves and I am down with that.
Isn’t that list so beautiful that it’s got you singing, “Aaaaand the whooooore of the braaaaaave.”
The gin-soaked tattered sponge in JWoww’s head nearly melted yesterday when she spent at least 11 hours trying to figure out how to spell “Wikipedia” and “President” so she could look up all these hos she’d like to spangle her star on, but she didn’t need to go to all that trouble. Bitch’s list would still be 100% correct if she simply wrote:
ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!
JWoww would pussy hump every single President (alive or dead) until red, white and blue liquid started spewing out of their peen holes. That is the American way. I swear, JWoww is so modest.
WARNING: If you’re an American, this story will make you TOO proud to be an American.
Las Vegas’ The Heart Attack Grill is a giant slice of KFed’s idea of heaven and it’s a charbroiled magical emporium of greasy gross where mega fat bitches who weigh over 350lbs eat for free and where one burger can be stuffed with almost 8,000 calories. The waitresses dress like slutty nurses and they’ll roll you out to your car in a wheelchair after you’ve eaten more calories than an entire village in Somalia eats in a year. There’s even a sign warning you that it’s hazardous to your health. It’s the perfect place to go when you’ve released all the fucks in your system to make way for 10 pounds of bacon wrapped around a block of fried cheese stuffed into an entire ground up cow. So that’s Heart Attack Grill and the other day, a 40-something dude put the heart attack in Heart Attack Grill when he had one while eating there.
The unnamed man walked into the Heart Attack Grill by himself and made the artery veins around his heart cringe when he picked up a menu. Then he made those artery veins pull themselves from his heart when he ordered a Triple Bypass Burger. The man ate half of the burger when he started getting the sweats and couldn’t form words. His waitress/fake nurse told the owner/fake doctor (seen above) who called 911. The EMTs arrived, threw him onto a gurney and wheeled him out of the restaurant through a crowd of tourists who thought it was a stunt and took a bunch of pictures.
The owner confirms that the man had a heart attack and says that he’s recovering at the hospital. The owner also tried to keep from creaming into his scrubs over the free publicity when he told Fox5Vegas that he feels sorry for the man: “I actually felt horrible for the gentleman because the tourists were taking photos of him as if it were some type of stunt. Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that.”
See, doesn’t it feel like the American flag is warmly hugging your heart? Or maybe you’re having a coronary from just thinking about shoving over 4,000 delicious calories into your eat hole at one time.