Category: USA!USA!USA!

Fourth Of July Open Post: Hosted By Joey Chestnut Beating His Hot-Dog-Eating Record Again

July 4, 2021 / Posted by:

If you’re like me, then you watched the 2021 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest live on ESPN (we all deserve to be judged for that). If you did, you probably screamed over the American tragedy of ESPN’s feed messing up just as the wiener gobbler of all wiener gobblers, Joey Chestnut, shoved his 76th water-soaked hot dog into his legendary eating hole to beat the record he set last year. Honestly, I don’t know if it was a Fourth of July gift or a Fourth of July curse to not see Joey Chestnut keep the hot dog vom from coming up his throat by shoving another hot dog in there. Probably the former. But Joey Chestnut’s reign as the King of Wiener Swallowing (yes, I’m jealous of him for having that title) continues since he won Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest for the 14th time.

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Katy Perry Performed “Firework” To A Whole Bunch Of Fireworks At The Inauguration Special

January 21, 2021 / Posted by:

Yesterday Joe Biden was sworn in as the 46th President of the United States, alongside Kamala Harris as the 49th Vice President. And while some people at the Inauguration yesterday looked like they were expecting two speeches and the National Anthem, then calling a cab to get back to work, it was an all-day thing as usual.

The inauguration special called Celebrating America was a big, spectacle featuring Demi Lovato, Justin Timberlake, and of course, Katy Perry. Which is nice for the White House party planning committee. For the first time in 4 years, they had a potential performance list that was longer than “Kid Rock freestyle grunts, and if we have time, maybe Scott Baio can come out and wink at whoever would appreciate such a thing.

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KFC Is Offering A Cheetos Chicken Sandwich

June 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Good news for lovers of soggy Cheetos and sodium headaches! KFC will be offering a new menu item featuring everybody’s favorite weird dick-shaped snack, the Cheeto. According to Eater, beginning July 1 and for a limited time, KFC will be offering a Cheetos sandwich that will be available nationwide. However, those few Americans lucky enough to live in New York City (or willing to travel) will have the opportunity to sample an entire pop-menu of KFC by Cheeto foods, but you have to act fast. The pop-up “event” is one day only. Reservations are recommended if you want VIP access which I guess means bottle service and a lap dance from Chester Cheetah.

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The Ted Cruz Lookalike From Maury Is Going To Do Porn For $10,000

April 25, 2016 / Posted by:

I thought I had heard the most ‘Murican story last week when a 21-year-old mom went on Maury to prove that her man is the father of her son and ended up becoming a meme because she has the same face as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. But no, that story topped itself after Ted Cruz’s lady face twin was offered $10,000 to do porn and she took the deal. Thanks to the 2008 election, we got Who’s Nailin’ Paylin. And now thanks to the 2016 election, we’re getting ThrusTED: Cruzin’ 4 An Oozin’.

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Crotches Of Meth

April 30, 2012 / Posted by:

An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that “it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants” is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today.

When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: “What is that chemical smell?” When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?).

Sometime during David’s struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David’s got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn’t cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance.

They should also charge David’s dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should’ve said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should’ve said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would’ve shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch would’ve blown up. This is why whenever I need to transport a portable meth lab in a car, I just hide it up in my no-no. Not even the most dedicated and bravest cop will ask me for a cavity search and if it explodes up in there, I wouldn’t even notice.

via Arbroath

America’s Hottest PILFs, According To JWoww

February 21, 2012 / Posted by:

98% of JWoww was made in a plastic factory in China somewhere, but she’s still a proud American and what do proud Americans do on Geena Davis Day (she’s the only President I care enough about to honor)? They write a list of all the President’s they’d like to fuck, of course. Truth is, I’m twisting my taint for not coming up with this first.

The First Lady of the Back Alley Plastic Surgeon Office got patriotic on her blog yesterday and listed all the Presidents she’s wet smush on a moist mattress in the shore house. This list should really be the new Pledge of Allegiance:

Ulysses S. Grant
I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL.

Abraham Lincoln
Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn’t always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day.

Bill Clinton
He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book.

George Washington
Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!

George W. Bush
We all know this guy liked to party Jersey style and that makes him A-OK in my book.

Ronald Reagan
Movie star turned P.I.L.F!

Barack Obama
Yes we can!

John F. Kennedy
Too much of a ladies man in his day, but he liked a lady with curves and I am down with that.

Isn’t that list so beautiful that it’s got you singing, “Aaaaand the whooooore of the braaaaaave.”

The gin-soaked tattered sponge in JWoww’s head nearly melted yesterday when she spent at least 11 hours trying to figure out how to spell “Wikipedia” and “President” so she could look up all these hos she’d like to spangle her star on, but she didn’t need to go to all that trouble. Bitch’s list would still be 100% correct if she simply wrote:

ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!

JWoww would pussy hump every single President (alive or dead) until red, white and blue liquid started spewing out of their peen holes. That is the American way. I swear, JWoww is so modest.

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