Kit Harington – seen above looking like Birdie the Early Bird’s emo cousin, Moody the Melancholy Crow – is clearly attempting to reshape his image from sensitive hunk to 100% bad boy. Kit recently told W magazine the story of his Game of Thrones audition. Kit says he showed up with a black eye that he received the night before at McDonald’s. Naturally, I immediately assumed Kit’s black eye was the result of getting accidentally smacked in the face during one of the many spontaneous dance-offs that the film Mac & Me has lead me to believe are very common at McDonald’s, but that’s not the case. Kit got a black eye after defending his lady’s honor.

Kit and a girl he was dating at the time went to McDonald’s one night, and they sat next to a dude and the dude’s girlfriend who started trouble with them. Eventually the other dude called Kit’s girlfriend some rude names. So Kit stood up and challenged the dude to a fight. Unfortunately, as he began to stand up, Kit realized he was dealing with someone who was more Hodor than King Joffrey (i.e. dude was huge). He proceeded to whoop Kit’s ass and leave him with a souvenir. Kit joked that his black eye probably helped him land the role, and jokingly thanked the random guy in the McDonald’s that night for giving it to him.

I won’t dwell on Kit Harington’s gorgeous face, since we all know he’d hate that. Instead I want to what the hell is with late-night McDonald’s fights? I’m not kidding when I say I’ve seen four – FOUR – McDonald’s brawls in my lifetime, and that’s not counting the time I was at a McDonald’s in Florida at 11:30 at night and my cashier stopped taking my order so she could tell the girl working the fryer that she was going to “punch her dead in the face.” People, this is NOT what Mac Tonight had in mind when he dreamed of late-night Mac Attacks.

Pics: HBO, Flickr

My dog could probably break the world record for the Most Naps In One Day By A Chihuahua or the record for the Most Judgmental Side-Eyes Thrown By A Chihuahua At A Pathetic Human While He Spends His Saturday Night Binge-Watching House Hunters Renovation, but that’s probably it. If I put a ballon in front of him, the last thing he’d do is pop it. He’d either piss on it or hump it. Like dog, like human!

But if you put a ballon in front of Twinkie the Jack Russell, say goodbye to that inflated bitch, because that pooch will transform into Dr. Pimple Popper on meth and pop that trick fast. There’s a Guinness World Record for everything including the Fastest Time To Pop 100 Balloons By A Dog. The record holder used to be Cally the Wonderdog, but now it’s Twinkie. Cally popped 100 balloons in 41.67 seconds and Twinkie did it in 39.08 seconds. Watch the master balloon popper at work!

That video also doubles as a visual representation of what happens to your brain when you read Dlisted. The role of Dlisted is played by Twinkie and your brain cells are played by those balloons.

For some reason tricks invite me to baby showers and for some reason I go (I go for the cake). The next time I’m invited to one, I’m going to take Twinkie, because she and I will rule that stupid balloon popping game.

As Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston meet with their team of publicists and body language experts to look over the storyboards for their next photo-op session, her ex-piece Calvin Harris continues to let out an open-mouth silent cry while clutching the deflated heart-shaped mylar balloon that she had sent to his homeroom on their one week anniversary. Calvin just can’t believe that Taylor has moved on so fast. He also can’t believe that she flew all the way to England to meet Tom’s mom and she never met his parents! This is the part in our saga where former Forever Alone team leader Jennifer Aniston sends Calvin a lonely bitch starter kit including cake batter, The Meg Ryan DVD Series, a boyfriend pillow and directions to the nearest cat adoption center.

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According to TMZ, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her husband of ten years Michael Lockwood. Lisa cited “irreconcilable differences“, and reportedly filed papers a couple weeks ago on June 13th. Lisa Marie has requested full custody of their 7-year-old twin daughters, Harper and Finley, with monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support. But that’s kind of a duh, since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.

This is Lisa’s fourth time writing her name on divorce papers. She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years. In 1994 she was inducted into the Relationships That Make No Sense wing of the WTF Hall of Fame by getting married to Michael Jackson. They got divorced two years later in 1996. In 2002, she kept the “getting married to crazy” train going by getting married to Nicolas Cage. Just like her marriage to MJ, she called it quits with Nicolas Cage after two years of marriage. Two years after that, she got married to musician and major hat enthusiast Michael Lockwood.

I wonder who David Miscavige’s worst nightmare will get married to next? Lisa’s husbands include a musician, an iconic celebrity, an actor who takes his job really seriously and is kind of crazy, and a dude who dresses in a style I can best describe as Sunset Strip Steampunk. You know, it kinda sounds like Lisa’s dream man is Johnny Depp. Lisa Marie, you need to love yourself more, girl.

But enough about Lisa Marie – let’s take a look back at Michael Lockwood’s hats! TMZ says that Lisa Marie and Michael signed a postnup (ie. a prenup signed after marriage), and I’m really hoping one of the conditions of their postnup is that Michael gets custody of his hat collection. Because it’s pretty obvious from the pictures below that his true love is those hats. I’d hate to see them get separated.

Pics: Wenn.com

In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.

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I don’t know if there’s a Chinese equivalent to “COME TO BRAZIL, QUEEN.” But if there is, it’s something that will be put on hiatus indefinitely. The Guardian is reporting that China allegedly considers Lady Gaga a “hostile foreign force” and has banned her.

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