The Director Of “The Legend Of Tarzan” Should Be Blacklisted From Hollywood For This!

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.

While pushing Tarzan in a press conference, ASkars admitted that he wanted to swing around in a little crotch curtain, but his loincloth-hating director David Yates wrongly shit all over that beautiful, beautiful idea. via People

“I was trying to get a little sexy loincloth [to wear]. I was trying to convince David Yates for weeks when we were doing prep. The way the script is written, it opens in London, he’s Victorian and he’s acclimated to life in London, and then he goes back [to the jungle]. David was like, ‘It doesn’t make sense. That little loincloth’s got to go.'”

Nobody cares if it doesn’t make sense. It’s a Tarzan movie, not a goddamn Abraham Lincoln biopic. The whole story doesn’t make sense. I don’t think one trick would go, “I want my money back, this is just not believable,” if Tarzan, who was raised by a family of apes as the King of the Jungle, changed into panties made of leaves as soon as he got off the boat. (Side note: And now I really want to see Alexander Skarsgard work a black loincloth and a top hat in an Abraham Lincoln biopic.)

David knew that some of us desperate hard-up hos would be upset about Tarzan not wearing his signature loincloth, so he wears one at the end, but Alexander Skarsgard says that it’s not much of a loincloth:

“When he swings through the trees, it’s not a loincloth, it’s more like a mini-sarong.”

Capris and a sarong?! I guess they got Tarzan’s costumes from the bag my mom packed for her trip to Hawaii.

And here’s that tall glass of Swedish leche, Margot Robbie (who should be arrested for butchering Animal the Muppet to make those cuffs), Djimon Hounsou and the rest of the cast of that Tarzan mess at last night’s premiere in L.A.

Pics: WarnerBros.,

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