Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:

Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.

But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!

And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?

Pics: Wenn.com

* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.

Tom Hiddleston turned himself into a thirst trap by awkwardly posing in his calzones and he did a worldwide photo-op tour with Taylor Swift, and the only thing he has to show for it is a throw pillow that his girlfriend cross-stitched the words “Bond Of My Heart” onto. Tom reportedly wanted the James Bond role as though he was us and the role was a lubed-up Olympic flag-bearer from Tonga. But well, one dude, who claims he’s in-the-know, says that Tom working it harder than a go-go dancer at a gay club during Fleet Week did not pay off, because he isn’t going to be James Bond.

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Flight attendants everywhere just started nervously sweating through their uniforms while the theme from Jaws played in the their heads. A source has confirmed to People that Paris Hilton’s baby brother, Conrad Hilton III, has been released from prison after two months of a two month sentence. He served all two months. Watch out, famous people – there’s a prison that exists that won’t release you after 24 hours due to “overcrowding.”

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“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!

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Based on my very limited knowledge of dealing with famous people, I have always thought that the first rule of dealing with a famous person was that you never say no. Never! You just don’t do it. If a famous person asks “Can I have a water?“, you give them one. If they ask “Can I have a kidney?“, you give them one. But Matt Damon recently proved that there are some things that even Matt Damon can’t get just because he’s Matt “Oscar-Winner” Damon.

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It looks like Farrah Abraham is going for another “Mother” of the Decade award. (I can’t with good conscience call her a mother without using quotation marks.) This time it has to do with Farrah getting into a fight with an elementary school principal over her decision to send her 7-year-old daughter Sophia to school in a face full of child-grade spackle.

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