The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For August 4th!
Farah Abraham: I told you to deliver it through the backdoor. – Générique
Upvote winner:
The erection is close but this candidate has a thick base, a rigid platform and his eye on a sure shot at finishing first. – Richbitch
(I post pictures of Justin Bieber without extreme pixelation, so you would think that a picture of a giant dildo would be SFW, but it’s not, so it’s after the cut.)
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The grandma who won the title of Beer Pong Queen at her 100th birthday party!
Usually when I pay tribute to a centenarian on their birthday, it’s because they have given us 100-proof drops of wisdom by saying that the key to living a long life is guzzling down the sweet nectar. But today’s centenarian HSOTD is getting honored for a different booze-related reason: she is a beer pong champion! Tastefully Offensive says that Sean Harkins recorded this short video of his sash-wearing nana owning a game of beer bong by landing the last cup shot. And she did it at her birthday party. It’s not known if Sean’s memaw slayed an entire game or if she came in at the end to show those young hos that they ain’t got shit on her. Behold, the Michael Jordan of beer pong-playing grannies:
https://youtu.be/QSL0yjTFBzE
She should travel to frat houses across the country to teach a master class in beer pong-ing to the bros. Although, she probably doesn’t have time for that right now. I am 100% sure that as soon as the captain of the U.S. National Beer Pong Team saw this video, they begged her to go to Rio and compete with them in the Olympics. (I haven’t checked, but since all of the major sports are at the Olympics, I’m guessing that the elite sport of beer pong is an event.)
And I really want to play beer pong with this grandma. She’d nail every shot, which would mean more boozing for me!
Birthday Sluts
Loni Anderson (71)
Dawn Richard (33)
Vanessa Simmons (33)
Lolo Jones (34)
Juan Pablo Galavis (35)
Jesse Williams (35)
Reza Farahan (43)
Terri Clark (48)
Funkmaster Flex (49)
Jonathan Silverman (50)
Elvis Duran (52)
Mark Strong (53)
Patrick Ewing (54)
Janet McTeer (55)
Tawny Kitaen (55)
Pete Burns (57)
Pat Smear (57)
Maureen McCormick (60)
Louis Walsh (64)
Erika Slezak (70)
Pic: Pinterest
Night Crumbs
“God dammit, I knew I should’ve fucking auditioned for goddamned Britney’s Vegas show instead,” thought that dancer as the Hello Kitty Uniconrie Rainbow Empress used him as a throne at the presentation for her E! reality show – Lainey Gossip
Now that Cameron Douglas is out of the clink, he’s ready to summon out your panty pudding with his hot prison yard body… *crickets* – Celebitchy
Phaedra Parks is defending the ex-client who allegedly tried to bomb her office and says it was all just a Monty Python-esque misunderstanding – Reality Tea
Why is Rita Ora dressed like an extra from Doom Generation? – Drunken Stepfather
Scary Spice keeps it demure and elegant – Drunken Stepfather
Watchmen got an honest trailer – The Superficial
I’m disappointed that Bret Easton Ellis did not quote cloud yeller Clint Eastwood by calling this generation the Pussy Generation – OMG Blog
Goopy Paltrow and Will.i.cant will mentor app designers on a reality show for Apple. There’s so much NO in that news – Jezebel
Adam Lambert as Eddie from The Rocky Horror Picture Show looks like a constipated Jo Calderone – Towleroad
Jennifer Garner wore a boring dress to the premiere of the movie that I can’t wait to see while 45 layers of stoned – Popoholic
“Little Britney” is a mom again – Starcasm
Cara Delawhatever’s ass crack did Esquire – Hollywood Tuna
Remember when Heidi Montag wasn’t broke and Kim Kartrashian didn’t look like an alien Real Doll? – SOW
BOOO! Katy Perry’s video for Rise should’ve been one loooooooong shot of Orlando Bloom’s peen getting hard in slow-motion – Just Jared
Now THIS is my idea of a wake-up call (sans the music, lights and Brit Brit Spears) – Popsugar
Pic: Getty
Who Is July’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
Those four pictures look like the ingredients for a perfect life. Fabulousness? Check! Cuteness? Check! Dildos? Check! Glamorous shade? Check! What more do you need? Well, some of us also need soul-numbing substances, a Netflix subscription, porn, pork rinds, etc… but that’s besides the point.
It’s the 7th Hot Slut of the Month battle royale of the year, and this showdown is between a baton twirler, a pair of traveling furry friends, dildos and a master shade thrower. That seriously sounds like Dlisted’s version of the Twelve Days of Christmas called the Twelve Days of Slutmas. As always, the first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month and the fourth one is a wild card picked with loving care by me. Your choices are:
David Peters – A glitter-embedded lightning bolt of happiness who entertains the people of Monroeville, PA with his pucker-inducing baton twirling skills.
Bandito and Luigi – The real-life Milo & Otis who traveled 497 miles through Spain with their humans.
Pokemoan – The line of sexy toys that allows your coochie and/or b-hole to get into the Pokemon Go fun by catching one over and over and over again until you bust out an O.
U.S. Rep. Joyce Beatty – The congresswoman who became the President of Shade when she showed up to the DNC in the same dress that Melania Trump wore to the RNC.
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be named next Friday, August 12th. Vote with YOUR life!
Sarah Jessica Parker Would Like You To Know She’s Not A Feminist
I would have assumed that co-starring in one of the most iconic films about ride-or-die sisterhood of the 90s would put you on Team Feminism for life, but I would be wrong. Apparently Hocus Pocus didn’t have that kind of effect on Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP recently spoke to Marie Claire about her upcoming HBO show, Divorce, and they got into a heavy discussion about women’s issues, like the gender wage gap and speaking out about inequality in Hollywood. SJP believes in it all – equality, equal pay – but she doesn’t want to call it feminism. Girl Power? Maybe. Sisterhood? Whatever, sure. But not the F-word.