ORBI!

Oh, the 80s, a much, much, much more simpler time when us chirrun didn’t need a stupid phone with that stupid Pokemon Go app on it to entertain ourselves for hours. All we needed was a ball and some string. We were cats, basically. There wasn’t much to ORBI, it was a bright orange, clown nutsack-like ball attached to some plastic thing with streamers. You and your friends would throw it back and forth, and for one magical second, time would stop as you found yourself hypnotized by the neon ribbons blowing through the air like a unicorn’s luscious tail.

ORBI sometimes went really high, so I’m sure that in the 80s, many kids went to the ER with the broken bones they got from falling off of the roof of their house while trying to get the ORBI that landed up there. The sign of a good toy is one that leaves you with broken bones after playing it (see: Pogo Ball). The commercial for ORBI also takes me to places so high that not even ORBI’s streamers could reach them:

ORBI may be gone, but its spirit will forever live on with the tingles my nips get every time I see that Ian Ziering-esque piece at the 5 second mark flexing as his hot lady friend holds that ball to his hairy chest.

Pic: eBay

Chris Hemsworth (33)
Alyson Stoner (23)
Asher Roth (31)
Will Friedle (40)
Ben Gibbard (40)
Roger Craig Smith (41)
Carolyn Murphy (42)
Ashley Jensen (47)
Anna Gunn (48)
Joe Rogan (49)
Viola Davis (51)
Embeth Davidtz (51)
Duane Martin (51)
Miguel A. Nunez Jr. (52)
David Henry Hwang (59)
Joe Jackson (the British one) (62)
Hulk Hogan (63)
Steve Wozniak (66)
Eric Carmen (67)
Ian McDiarmid (72)
John Gorrie (84)
Arlene Dahl (91)

Pic: Tumblr

The Alien Lizard looked so charming with that hat on….until I remembered that he’s only here to gain our trust so that he can strike when we least expect it and take us back to his home planet where we’ll be his intergalactic slaves – Lainey Gossip 

It looks like the makers of red wine and Kleenex are sponsoring the next Super Bowl Halftime Show – Celebitchy

The divorce fight between Jules Wainstein of The Real Housewives of New York City and her husband is still in train wreck territory – Reality Tea 

Stop everything! An 18-year-old took a toke from a joint at a music festival – The Superficial

Harper’s Bazaar must have Photoshopped water into Miranda Kerr’s pool. Because since she’s engaged to a billionaire, I would think that her pool would be full of frozen diamonds – Drunken Stepfather

Colton Haynes’ interview with Out Magazine got really deep and really dark – Towleroad

Distract ’em with a nip slip as you grab for the wallet… Lindsay Lohan really is a pro! – The Nip Slip 

Diabetes, here I come! – Jezebel

For one brief moment, Hollywood Blvd. wasn’t a street of tackiness and trash. It was a street of beauty and perfection… – Egotastic!

The time I mistook Rita Ora for JLo – Popoholic

This picture needs more Orlando Bloom peen – SOW

Jensen Ackles and Shannon from One Life to Live are going to be parents to be a pair of babies – Popsugar

Based on this video, I’m guessing that Caitlyn Jenner went to driving school in Russia – Hollywood Tuna

Kylie Jenner probably paid Tyga’s bail – Starcasm

Die Antwoord ripped every muscle in their arms with this reach – Pajiba

“It took the miserable former fatty cunt long enough,” muttered Katherine Heigl under her breath – Just Jared

Pic: Pacific Coast News

After hearing that The Rock’s Instagram takedown of a Fast 8 co-star was about Vin Diesel, you most likely spent the entire night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, because how could you close your eyelids and go mimis knowing that a millionaire boulder sculpture hates another millionaire boulder sculpture? You couldn’t! Well, prepare to spend another sleepless night counting the specks of glitter on your popcorn ceiling, because I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it’s still beef. (And I’m assuming you’re the kind of classy bitch who has glitter popcorn ceiling.)

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When the all-lady reboot of Ghostbusters was released last month, it didn’t pull in Suicide Squad numbers, but it didn’t do Nine Lives numbers either. It brought in $46 million on its opening weekend, and has proceeded to make more than $180 million worldwide. Shortly after the opening weekend numbers were added up, Sony’s president of worldwide marketing and distribution announced that it was the “restart” of a brand relaunch. I was already bracing myself for Ghostbusters 2: Electric BOO-galoo and Ghosbusters 3: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Slimer. I can stop though, because The Hollywood Reporter says it won’t get a sequel.

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If you’re like 99.99999999% of the internet, then you’re probably not seeing this because for the past two hours or so, you have been nervously chewing on your finger skin while watching a live feed of a hot Emile Hirsch look-alike using suction cups and a harness to climb Trump Tower in Manhattan. (The other 0.0000001% of the internet are doing something called “work.”) I know, cupping is officially back.

No, the Trump Tower climber is not a grown Balloon Boy trying to get attention AGAIN. Some guy from Virginia named Steven is the one who’s sucking on Donald Trump’s tower. (Yes, I hate myself for typing that.) The cops have been breaking windows to try to nab his ass. The news is saying that they heard that Steve is doing it for (wait for it…. wait for it…) attention, specifically attention from Trump. If he wanted Trump’s attention, there was an easier to do it. He should’ve just put on a baby bonnet and cried at one of Trump’s rallies.

https://youtu.be/_QobWf20dXs

At this very moment, Jared Leto is swallowing down a bottle of Propecia to grow his hair out and is ordering giant suction cups on Amazon, because he’s going to be ready when the inevitable Trump Tower Climber movie starts casting. But joke’s on Jared, because Daniel Day-Lewis has already grown his hair out and climbed TWO towers.

And yes, yes, I would.

UPDATE: The cops caught Suction Cup Steve and he apparently endorsed Donald Trump in a video that will haunt every inch of my nightmares tonight.

Pic: @papermagazine