Done In By Dick: The Olympic Edition
Since I am committed to bringing you all the most important and newsworthy events from the Olympics in Rio (see: Butt Fuchs, the lubed-up flag-bearer from Tonga, the Prance, Prance, Baby horsey, etc…), here’s Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita breaking 3 things in 1 second: his dick, his Olympic medal dreams and the whole “Asian peen” stereotype.
I always pray for the internet to deliver some pole-on-pole action, but this is not what I had in mind. I want video of Idris Elba and Jon Hamm sword fighting, not owww-inducing video of a pole vaulter getting cock blocked from an Olympic medal by his own cock. But I’ll take it. HuffPo says on Saturday, 28-year-old Hiroki Ogita got knocked out of a qualifying round after his peen fucked him over by slapping the pole. That’s one way to get an Olympdick at the Olympics. The truth is, I’ve watched this video at least 5,678,984 times since yesterday (because peen) and it looks more like his legs grazed the pole, but who really cares about dumb details when there are dick jokes to make!
https://youtu.be/KIRmVw3zP4U
Hiroki shouldn’t feel embarrassed at all. I mean, who hasn’t lost out on an Olympic medal after their genitals hit the pole in front of zillions of people? Yeah, that really didn’t work since only Hiroki has. Thankfully, Hiroki was fine and his peen didn’t need any medical attention. Although, it probably felt pain and sadness on the inside when Hiroki yelled at it for messing with his game.
August 16, 2016: The Day Justin Bieber’s Instagram Page Went Dark
Instagram is a little less douchey today, because Justin Bieber has come through on his promise to lock out his fans from his page. After the Beliebers spit out gloppy drool balls of hate at the Biebs’ current girlfriend, 17-year-old Sofia Richie, on Instagram, he threatened to punish their evil asses by making his page private. Early this morning, the Biebs took his promise to another level by deleting himself from Instagram. But as some Beliebers put on their Janie and Jack brand black veils to mourn the death of their toddler god’s Instagram page, many others are celebrating like weed has been legalized everywhere, Kraft has brought back Jell-O 1-2-3 and Playboy Enterprises has announced that they’re launching Playginge and its inaugural issue will feature pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Many are happy and the hashtag #JustinBieberDeactivatedParty was trending for hours.
Amy Schumer Really Doesn’t Care If Her Sex Tape Leaks
Ironically, I’m sure there’s a community of weirdos out there with an adult Cabbage Patch Doll fetish that do care very much about the possibility of a leaked sex tape starring Amy Schumer. When and if that ever happens, we can be sure that there will be at least one person shrugging their shoulders like, “Eh, whatever“, and that person will be Amy Schumer herself.
Guess Who’s Being Chased Down For An Unpaid Jewelry Bill?
Tyga’s Instagram handle is “kinggoldchains“, but it sounds like he might want to think about changing that to “kingunpaidgoldchains.” TMZ says a jeweler named Jason of Beverly Hills is coming for the prince of financial delinquency. According to Jason of Beverly Hills, Tyga owes $200,000 for a gaudy diamond-encrusted watch and gold chain (seen above) that he got back in 2013. Congratulations Tyga, you may now add “jewelry” to the list of expensive crap you can’t pay for.
The Moment We Thought Would Never Happen Has Happened
No, the Centers for Disease Control didn’t finally put on Hazmat suits and drag Johnny Depp into a tent to finally give him an ammonia and bleach shower and power scrub off the bracelets that have been embedded into his skin under a thick layer of crusted dirt. That isn’t the moment I’m talking about. I’m talking about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard finally settling settled their divorce. IT. IS. OVER. Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are probably stretching their arms and warming up their vocal cords for screaming, because now that Johnny and Amber are done fighting, someone has to provide the legal messiness.
Billy Bob Thornton Denies That He Did It With Amber Heard
Sorry Johnny Depp, but it looks like you might have exposed yourself to a potential paint-based blood infection for nothing. Wait, what am I saying? Like he doesn’t already have a thick layer of symbiotic bacteria covering his body that could protect him from the plague.
Yesterday, our eyes were treated to the appetite-killing image of Johnny Depp’s cut-off finger tip and the message he drew on a mirror with said bloody finger back in March. In his mirror art, Johnny accused Amber Heard of cheating on him with Billy Bob Thornton. Amber has denied it, and now Billy Bob is here to inform you that Johnny Depp is wrong.