Open Post: Hosted By Ariel Winter In Denim Panties
Every time I see new pictures of 18-year-old Ariel Winter from Modern Family, she’s bringing new meaning to the name “coochie cutters,” and she totally outdid herself over the weekend when she showed up to Just Jared’s pool party wearing shorts that are so damn short we can’t really call them shorts. They’re more like jean chonies and they should come with a warning that reads: Wearing these jean chonies may cause you to queef up denim lint for days.
Ariel wore that elegant Daytona Beach spring breaker bathing suit and jean chonies with strangely conservative Louboutin heels. So from the thighs up, she’s serving “the most overdressed finalist in the Miss Juggalette 2016 pageant” and from the ankles down she’s serving “serial beige shoe-wearer St. Angie Jolie going to a meeting at the United Nations.” I was going to say that Ariel Winter looks like she’s wearing everything found in a Kylie Jenner starter pack, but I can’t say that since she’s not wearing thigh-high cage sandals and a cornrows wig, and her lips aren’t the size of two obese caterpillars in sleeping bags.
Pics: Splash
Everyone Is Turning On The Biebs!
[Note: While looking for pictures of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber on a photo agency’s website, this one came up and I immediately thought to myself, “Justin Bieber looks 10,000% less insufferable and much more mature in that picture.” That’s actually an old picture of Selena with the Biebs’ little brother, but it still works.]
Yesterday, J. Harvey posted about how the threat of a code 10 Belieber meltdown may be upon us, because Justin Bieber threatened to make his Instagram private after his fans spewed hate all over several pictures of him with Lionel Richie’s 17-year-old daughter Sofia Richie. The Biebs is probably dating Lionel’s child and his crazy fans don’t like it and even hit Sofia with death threats. The Biebs told his fans to stop hating, his fans told him that they’re not the boss of them, and as all that drama went down in the playpen, Selena Gomez popped up to spank him on his overfilled Pampers.
Amber Heard Brought Out More Receipts For Johnny Depp’s Crazy Ways
On Friday night, TMZ posted a video of a plastered Johnny Depp violently breaking crap and letting out slurry groans like a drunk threatening bear. The video was shot by Amber Heard a few months before he allegedly attacked her in May. And today, TMZ posted more evidence of Johnny getting violent and losing his shit. They posted one heave-inducing gross picture of Johnny’s tip-less finger, which they say he got while raging during a fight with Amber. They posted another picture of a mirror with the words “Starring Billy Bob Easy Amber,” which Johnny allegedly wrote in his own blood and blue paint after he accused Amber Heard of cheating on him by passing her poon to Billy Bob Thornton. That is gross, but I still don’t think it tops that whole “blood vial necklace” thing as the grossest story involving blood and Billy Bob Thornton.
Fyvush Finkel Has Died
The New York Times says that Fyvush Finkel passed into the afterlife at the age of 93 on Sunday at his home in Manhattan. I don’t know how he got there, but I choose to believe it was riding on a beautiful silk printed bow tie. Fyvush’s son confirmed the news to The New York Times, adding that his father had some heart problems leading up to his death.
Your Super Bowl Party Nachos Will Not Get Drenched In Sad Tears, Because Adele Isn’t Doing The Halftime Show
Adele has been causing Kleenex sales to jump up 300% in Southern California by yodeling during shows in L.A. all last week, and I went to see her on Saturday night. It’s amazing that I wasn’t dragged out of the Staples Center in a straitjacket after having a nervous breakdown from the people who loudly sang along to nearly every song like it was their name on my damn ticket. But anyway, Adele talks a lot during shows and after singing “Rumor Has It” on Saturday night, she decided to stomp on two rumors. Adele stomped on the rumor that another fetus is baking in her womb, and also stomped on the rumor that she’s doing the Super Bowl Halftime Show next year.
Thomas Gibson Has Hired Lawyers After Getting Dropped From “Criminal Minds”
Three days after he was permanently escorted off the set of Criminal Minds by CBS’s strongest-shinned security guard for kicking an executive producer, Thomas Gibson has lawyered up. Watch out, CBS – you’re about to get a roundhouse kick to the balls courtesy of disgruntled former employee Thomas Gibson! Of course by “roundhouse kick“, I mean “threat of a lawsuit“, and by “balls“, I mean “HR department.” Although this is Thomas Gibson we’re talking about, so there’s still a good chance this could end with him literally kicking someone.