No, David Bowie’s Ashes Were Not Scattered At Burning Man
When I woke up yesterday and opened up my laptop, one of the first headlines that slammed against my blurry eyes was:
I made the same face that David Bowie is making in that picture above, pivoted and returned my ass to bed. I didn’t need that headline yesterday and I don’t need it today. But thankfully, David Bowie’s son has shit on that headline and says that a piece of his dad’s spirit is not trapped in the dusty hellscape of rolling Mad Max extras and Wookie boots.
Open Post: Hosted By The Security Guard Who Was Left Stunned By The Demure Emily RideAJetSki
Or maybe that security guard is trying her best to hold in the sigh of relief she’s feeling over not having to frisk someone else. If you’re going to an event and want to help security out, just wear a black skirt and two skinny cummerbunds over your chichis.
Model, actress and noted thirst trap Emily RatOnCowSkis was a guest at Harper’s Bazaar’s Icons party in NYC on Friday night, and she somehow managed to achieve something that has never been achieved before. Emily was at the same party as Kim Kartrashian and mini-Kim Kartrashian and was less covered up than those always-naked gutter tricks were. If you’re in the same room as Kim Kartrashian and Kylie Jenner and both of their titty bags are fully covered and everyone can see most of yours, does that mean that a monster in Winona Ryder’s shed kidnapped you and you’re now living in The Upside Down? Because that is one of the strangest stranger things I’ve ever heard.
And now I know what’s going on in that picture above. The security guard is carefully studying Emily Rattailbrewski’s black licorice tit suspenders, because she has a church wedding to go to soon and needs something classy, modest, conservative and sophisticated to wear!
Pics: Splash
Tom Hiddleston Is Not Going To Thank Taylor Swift In His Emmy Award Acceptance Speech
That random umbrella-holding hand has a better chance of getting thanked in Tom Hiddleston’s Emmy acceptance speech, which he will absolutely be giving, than Taylor Swift does. Actually, if Tom really wants to stick it to Taylor, he would make a special point of thanking umbrella hand. “…and lastly, I can’t forget to mention my paparazzi posing partner – umbrella hand, this one’s for you! We did it buddy!”
Miley Cyrus Has Permanently Broken Up With The Red Carpet
Sadly, your eyeballs will not get a serving of a 98% naked Miley Cyrus licking the red carpet while spreading her chipmunk nalgitas to show off her Jeremy Scott-designed butt plug tassel. Because Miley Cyrus announced that she has retired from the red carpeted stroll for the rest of eternity!
Cara Delevingne And St. Vincent Are Probably Over
Prepare to send a bouquet of “I’m sorry for your loss” roses to your cool teen cousin, for they will truly be shook to the core of their Nasty Gal choker by this news. According to The Sun, Cara Delevingne and singer St. Vincent (real name: Annie Clark) have once again broken up.
The Sun says they pulled the plug on their relationship during Cara’s promotional tour for Suicide Squad last month. A source says that Cara and St. Vincent liked each other, but the long-distance thing wasn’t working for them. No word on if their breakup was amicable or messy, but I like to picture Cara pressed a handful of her eyebrow hairs into St. Vincent’s palm and whispered “Remember me?” before her taxi pulled away.
This would be breakup number…three? I think? It’s confusing. 24-year-old Cara and 33-year-old St. Vincent started dating early last year, then they broke up a couple months later. Then they got back together. Then they broke up in July of 2015. Then they got back together. And now they’re broken up again. Stay tuned for next week when there will be a 50% chance that I will be typing the words “Cara Delevingne and St. Vincent are doing each other again.”
Neither Cara not St Vincent have confirmed this news themselves. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped Kris Jenner from texting Cara and asking if she’d be willing to channel some of that recently single energy into some more gayelle-for-publicity action with Kendall Jenner. “Hi Cara! Tried to work the Harry Styles angle again, but it seems like people don’t care. Give me a call if you’d be willing to get some attention in the near future!”
Pic: Wenn.com
Kate Upton FINALLY Shared Her Thoughts On Football Players Sitting Out Of The National Anthem
Before their game yesterday, several members of the Miami Dolphins took Colin Kaepernick’s lead when they peacefully protested by kneeling during the national anthem. As with every time an athlete kneels down in protest during The Star-Spangled Banner, it brought out the flaming hot feelings in many people including some famous tricks. Rob Lowe of all tricks basically said in so many characters on Twitter that any NFL player who refuses to stand should be kept in the locker room until kick-off. And big-tittied blond model Kate Upton finally gave the answer to the question we’ve all been asking ourselves since the protest started, which is: What does Kate Upton think about this?!