Open Post: Hosted By A Canadian Traffic Sign Warning Of A Zombie Dick Invasion
If I had a vagina, I want to know when I need to protect it! Instagram user thesweetwoods posted this video of a hacked traffic sign in Ottawa. It warns ladies (there are no gay zombies?) about zombie dicks in the area. I’m assuming the warning means reanimated dead people and not that horny ancients like Hugh Hefner and Larry King are visiting Canada. The sign urges the women of Ottawa to protect their vagines and, if they are going to let the staggering undead into their intimacies, to use condoms. This is a socially responsible message that I can get behind!
I always thought you would be able to tell a zombie right off and walk quickly away to escape them. Do Canadian zombies look different? Canada is so advanced. They have Allison, poutine, and now undetectable zombies. Maybe that shouldn’t be considered an “advancement,” though.
Chris Brown Is Done Throwing Parties At His House
Can you blame him? How can you even call it a party when you’re not allowed to (allegedly) threaten women at gunpoint? Boring. TMZ is reporting that feminist icon Chris Brown is officially declaring his Calabasas mansion a no-fun zone due to his recent arrest for assault with a deadly weapon. He’s written up a list of rules and everything.
1. No more parties (for now)!
2. His two roommates (ugh, imagine how thirsty you have to be for the celebrity-adjacent freeloading high life to live with that douche?) now have to submit lists in writing (*chortle*) naming any guests, complete with descriptions of them, that they want to bring home.
Can you imagine?
Dear Breezy,
Here’s my list.
1. Steve the drug dealer
2. Girl who will have sex with me to meet you
3. Girl who will have sex with me and our roommate to meet you
4. Girl who will have sex with me, our roommate, and Steve the drug dealer to meet you.
6. Delivery guy from the liquor store
7. Girl who will have sex with me, our roommate, Steve the drug dealer, the delivery guy from the liquor store, and the other three girls to meet you.
Chris is also prohibiting anyone on #TeamBreezy from bringing booze or drugs into the house. The only substances allowed will be provided by him. See, that’s the one rule I would have to dispute if I was a chiseler living in that grossness. Chris throws bags of drugs out the window! How can he expect his tenants not to have back-up drugs on them just in case he starts defenestrating shit again?
Pic: Wenn.com
Brad Pitt Compared Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ” To Scientology Propaganda
In one fell interview swoop, Brad Pitt dragged both rageball Mel Gibson’s Jesus-in-a-snuff film, 2004’s The Passion of the Christ AND L. Ron Hubbard’s alien volcano con job religion Scientology. When you’re A-list and Angelina Jolie’s purse carrier, your fucks are not to be given!
Alexis Arquette Has Died
Well, 2016 just keeps throwing the shocking drops of sadness at us. Alexis Arquette died early this morning while surrounded by friends and family including David Arquette, Patricia Arquette, Rosanna Arquette and Richmond Arquette. Alexis was only 47 years old. Richmond delivered the sad news on Facebook today and said that they all listened to David Bowie’s “Starman” as Alexis joined hands with The Lady Chablis and the two sashayed off to the afterworld:
“Our brother Robert, who became our brother Alexis, who became our sister Alexis, who became our brother Alexis, passed this morning September 11, at 12:32 am. He was surrounded by all of his brothers and sisters, one of his nieces and several other loved ones. We were playing music for him and he passed during David Bowie’s Starman. As per his wishes, we cheered at the moment that he transitioned to another dimension.”
We don’t know what Alexis died of. But TMZ says that Alexis was sick and fighting an illness.
Wikipedia says that Alexis’ first acting job was in 1983 as “a little kid riding on a ride with a bunch of women” in the video for The Tubes’ She’s A Beauty. Now THAT is how you make an acting debut! From there, Alexis had roles in Down and Out in Beverly Hills, Last Exit to Brooklyn, Of Mice and Men, Pulp Fiction, Threesome, The Wedding Singer, Bride of Chucky, She’s All That and Beggars and Choosers. In 2007, the documentary about Alexis’ transition, Alexis Arquette: She’s My Brother, came out. Alexis was also in the sixth and final season of the Vh1 reality trash masterpiece The Surreal Life.
On top of being an actress and trans activist, Alexis was also one of my favorite red carpet pose-makers who always brought the glamour and sparkle. And of course, thanks to Alexis, we’ll always think of Jared Leto’s peen as looking like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.
Patricia tweeted this about the loss of Alexis:
Breaking through the veil singing StarMan https://t.co/A3way5S3Lb
— Patricia Arquette (@PattyArquette) September 11, 2016
Rest in peace, Alexis.
Pic: Getty
Katy Perry Would Work With Taylor Swift If She Apologizes
Katy Perry was tweeting wth her Katy Kats (Ugh, she needs a better cutesy name for her stans. Perry Pervs?) when one of them asked her if she’d ever work with former friend and chair-dancing serpent Taylor Swift. Sure, if that little witch apologizes!
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Hot Slut Of The Day!
Stoner Spider!
The Simpsons made me believe that if you ever throw trash onto the earth, Bette Midler will appear out of nowhere to destroy your planet-polluting ass. But that didn’t happen to a stoner in the English town of Little Lever in Great Manchester when they tossed a joint over the fence. The joint landed on a spider web and the smoker recorded a scene that looks like it’s straight out of Planet Earth as produced by Seth Rogen. The spider of that web did what any of us would do if a little of the good shit magically landed in our house: it protected its stash. The spider spun a web around the joint to keep Charlotte’s free-loading stoner cousins from snatching it.
Yes, the person who recorded this should be jailed for shooting it in portrait mode, but they should also be jailed for not throwing a bag of Funyuns (or onion-flavored circle crisps as you UKers probably call them) and a Friday DVD at that web too.
The internet tells me that spiders won’t mess with the good shit unless it’s injected into a dead fly or something, So that spider is most likely not a stoner and isn’t going to toke it up. It’s probably saving it to sell to a caterpillar, because we all know that caterpillars are the stoners of the insect world.