Miley Cyrus Has Permanently Broken Up With The Red Carpet

September 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Sadly, your eyeballs will not get a serving of a 98% naked Miley Cyrus licking the red carpet while spreading her chipmunk nalgitas to show off her Jeremy Scott-designed butt plug tassel. Because Miley Cyrus announced that she has retired from the red carpeted stroll for the rest of eternity!

Miley did an interview and cover shoot for Elle’s October issue to push The Voice and the Woody Allen Amazon series she’s in. The full interview isn’t out yet, but Elle did burp up a few quotes that leaped out of Miley’s mouth when she talked about Bernie Sanders, Brit Brit Spears, boycotting the red carpet for the sake of starving people and how guilt rashes cover her body when she thinks about how she’s luckier than most. Oh, and Miley no longer has a publicist. (“It all makes sense now.” – everyone)

Miley makes her debut as a judge on The Voice next week, and she says that when she coaches her team, she’s going to tell all of them to channel the Bernie Sanders that’s inside of all of us:

“…I don’t want this to come off the wrong way, but I’m going to tell my contestants: Be Bernie Sanders. Be the person people want and love. Don’t worry about the masses. That’s how you make a memorable moment. Let people talk about it.”

I haven’t watched The Voice in a while, but I still start watching again if Miley’s team takes her “Be Bernie Sanders” advice literally and scream sings while wearing gigantic suit pants.

The rest of Miley’s quotes share the same theme: Miley cares hard!!!

Miley cares about Brit Brit and wonders what many of us wonder: Does Brit Brit really want to be mouthing along to some new song in her Las Vegas show or would she rather be on a farm somewhere raising a bunch of Chester Cheetahs?

“[My manager Adam Leber] works with her; we’ve stayed close because of that. She’s a little distant in her world. I just want Britney to be happy. Every time she puts out new music, I’m like, ‘Is that what she wants to be doing? Or does she just want to chill?’ She’s looking so good right now, and looking happy.”

Miley also cares about starving people and feels stupid posing on a carpet that’s red when people don’t have enough to eat. No word if she also feels stupid while posing on carpet that’s not red.

“[A year ago] I had to do the [A Very Murray Christmas] premiere, and I will never do a red carpet again. Why, when people are starving, am I on a carpet that’s red? Because I’m ‘important’? Because I’m ‘famous’? That’s not how I roll. It’s like a skit—it’s like Zoolander.”

And lastly, Miley says that she constantly feels guilty about how lucky she is, and felt like a shit head while hiking when child sex slavery exists:

“For a long time, I couldn’t sleep because I just felt so guilty. I was covered in rashes because I was so stressed. Even today, I dropped my water on my hike and felt like such an asshole. There are children being sold into sex slavery; how can I go on a hike right now? So now I try to do as much as I can through [my foundation] Happy Hippie.”

Since Miley hates red carpets and gets seriously stressed out from thinking about abused children, then the photographers at the premiere of her Amazon show better wear a tarp and a protective face mask. Because Miley is probably going to explode from the anxiety of being forced to pose on the red carpet at the premiere of a show created by an alleged child abuser.


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