Yesterday, J Harvey brought us the news that Chris Brown was done throwing “parties” in his house. So far, it appears that Chris is very committed to keeping his messy antics outside of his home. Yesterday, Chris packed up his bad energy, and took it with him it to Power 106’s annual All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game yesterday at USC. “Haven’t they suffered enough?” thought everyone at that charity.

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Before we fully get into the river of depressing smegma that this news week will probably bring, let’s raise a wig and celebrate some happy news: RuPaul finally got his hands around his first Emmy after being in the TV game for eons. HalleluRu!

If award shows always got it right, Ru would’ve gotten his first Emmy in the 90s for Best And Most Glamorous Talk Show host for Vh1’s The RuPaul Show. But since award shows mostly never get it right, that didn’t happen. It only took 20 years, but the title “Emmy-winning RuPaul” is finally a fact.

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Last month, Kesha dropped the remaining abuse allegations from her lawsuit against Dr. Luke. A few weeks earlier, she dropped her California lawsuit against Dr. Luke (the one in which she accused Dr. Luke of being a high-functioning monster). I thought that it might be the beginning of the end of this legal messiness, but that’s not the case.

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Goop’s stick is deeper than we thought. – Sheena

Upvote winner:

With friends like this, who needs enemas? – FluffKitteh

Pic: Uber Humor

Cabbage Patch Kids cereal!

The 80s were the golden era of cereal and absolutely anything that was even a little popular got its own cereal. So of course, since the Cabbage Patch Kids were the Kings of the toy stroll and people were trading their internal organs for one back then (I am 100% sure that happened), they got their own cereal in 1985. I don’t think that  Cabbage Patch Kids cereal tasted like cabbage or kids, but they did brag that it was good for children compared to the other cereals, because it was low in sugar. But what in lacked in sugar it made up for in NIGHTMARES. Cabbage Patch Kids cereal was made up of tiny little flower-shaped faces that smiled back at you as you killed them with your teeth before swallowing down butchered-up pieces of their heads.

Okay, I take back what I said about Cabbage Patch Kids cereal not being made of kids. I can’t say for sure that the souls of the Cabbage Patch Kids weren’t trapped in those crispy bits.

And as parents watched their children eat those little happy faces while sitting next to a Cabbage Patch Kid, they probably swallowed down a second serving of their breakfast (read: benzos), because you need to be medicated to deal with that scary scene so early in the morning.

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Jennifer Hudson (35)
Yao Ming (36)
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2 Chainz (39)
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Josh Hopkins (46)
James Frey (47)
Paul F. Tompkins (48)
Louis C.K. (49)
Ben Folds (50)
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Hans Zimmer (59)
Rachel Ward (59)
Joe Pantoliano (65)
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Paul Walker (1973-2013)

Pic: Getty