Netflix has made a documentary on former HSOTD Gunther VI, the richest pet in the world who shits diamonds and pisses liquid gold thanks to his $400+ million fortune. You know, watching a documentary about a dog of the 1% IN THIS ECONOMY sounds like a depressing hate watch. But I’m still going to watch it with my dog so that she can gather info on her future sugar dog daddy (and my future dog son-in-law) when he finally tells one of his minions to swipe right on her Tindog profile. Trick is too rich to do his own swiping! – Bustle
If you need something for your dating app profile to let potential pieces know that you’re ready for a serious commitment, just write: I’m looking for someone who will commit to me the way that Austin Butler has committed to that fucking Elvis voice – SOW
Are you happy now? Y’all made so much fun of that little Chet Hanks boy that his pops had to stop in the middle of counting his Pinocchio money to defend his son against allegations that he wouldn’t have a career in the business if it wasn’t for his famous folks. Now Tom Hanks (Yes, that’s Chet’s dad. No, really, I swear!) has to start all over again, which means he’s going to be late making his deposit into Chet’s “rainy day” account, which gets topped off every time Chet opens Instagram. However, according to Entertainment Tonight, Chet isn’t the only Hanks Tom has to make excuses for. As it turns out, Tom’s heretofore unknown son, 27-year-old Truman Hanks, whose mom, like Chet, is Rita Wilson, has also taken a job in the family business, White Boi Industries (unfortunately, Chet was in charge of filing the paperwork), and will be playing a younger version of Tom’s character in the A Man Called Otto, and adaptation of the popular Swedish book A Man Called Ove.
Did somebody say FASHUN?!? Well, say it louder next time, I don’t think the folks in the back heard you over the din of shitfaced celebrities using the Golden Globes’ phenomenal flame out last year as an excuse to load up on free champagne, talk shit, and network with fellow survivors of the Great Los Angeles Deluge of 2023. However, a few stars heard the call to bare arms (regretfully, ladies only. Where was Timothée Chalamet with his scrumptious little back meats!?) and used the opportunity to challenge their stylists to come up with a look that simultaneously screams “I’m the greatest star” and “I am being pranked by my stylist, aren’t I.” Meanwhile, the real jackasses pulling one over on these celebrities are the goon-squad of aestheticians going around convincing them to donate their precious buccal fat reserves “for charity.” Sad truth is that only a tiny portion of their donations actually make it to starving children in need. Sorry, Wednesday‘s Jenna Ortega, your generous donation is now just padding for some ghoul’s pocket. Also, I think your parachute got a little turned around. Must have been the wind.
A Poster For Demi Lovato’s “Holy Fvck” Album Was Banned From Being Displayed In The UK Because It Was Offensive To Christians
Humanity may not agree on much, but one thing lots of us can probably come together on is that Demi Lovato’s soggy pad of a personality is utterly exhausting. The assault of her shrill voice on our ears and the useless causes she attempts to champion–like sugar-free cookies existing and not calling aliens “aliens”–are offensive to the sensibilities of many. And in Demi’s most recent attempt to be 2006-style edgy, she coined her newest album (and what might be her final tour) “Holy Fvck,” as in “holy fuck is she STILL talking?” But in true Demi fashion, she rubbed people the wrong way again, this time with a poster that showed her casually clad in light bondage while lying on a crucifix bed. BBC News says some Christians in the U.K. were displeased, and the poster just got banned from being displayed in most public places there.
The audience at the Golden Globes always looks like they’re bored and ready to go somewhere else because, at its base, it’s a glamorous work function where nobody wants to become that person. And last night, when HBO’s House Of The Dragon unexpectedly won the award for Best Television Series – Drama, one of its stars, Milly Alcock, must have been completely caught off guard. Because when she got up to receive the award with co-star Emma D’Arcy and director Miguel Sapochnik, she definitely became that person with her tipsy antics that scream, “Blame it on the alcohol y’all.”
Okay, well, the second big question of the night since the first was, “How much pandering can the Hollywood Foreign Press Association do to pull themselves out of the disastrous hole they dug for themselves?” The show’s host, comedian Jerrod Carmichael, addressed that shit in his opening monologue by bluntly saying, “I’m here because I’m Black.” That got big laughs. But later in the night, Jerrod brought out the three Golden Globes that Tom Cruise returned to sender because the Jesus of Scientology is way too good to be associated with such a shady and diabolical organization. Jerrod then dropped a “Where is Shelly?” joke, and some laughed and clapped, but others groaned or stayed uncomfortably quiet. The audience obviously got the memo that it’s now okay to laugh at what a mess the HFPA is, but there was no memo that it’s okay to laugh at Scientology disses. Stick to one cause, Jerrod!