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Open Post: Hosted By Lemurs Having A Popsicle Party
Since lemurs are native to Madagascar, they don’t spend much time on the usual pap stroll, but their days are clearly way more interesting than those of just about anyone we talk about here, so this egregious omission is being remedied immediately! We did give lemurs a shout-out last month when noting they’d been in charge of expertly applying Marilyn Manson‘s lipstick, and then way back in 2013, when they were about to be ravenously consumed by David Hasselhoff‘s terrifyingly carnivorous face, so they haven’t been totally ignored around here.
Today, Nerdist brings us both ring-tailed and red-ruffed (these sound like painful conditions you’d need medicated ointment for after doing too much butt stuff) lemurs feasting on icy, refreshing rainbow popsicles and showing us all how to properly achieve peak summer.
Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Went Instagram Official For Her Birthday
Yesterday, Jennifer Lopez turned 52, and was anyone really expecting it to just slip by unannounced and without drama-packed visual documentation for future generations? This isn’t our first rodeo. The weather outlets have their Stormwatch but here we’re all about Stuntwatch, and the usual suspects rarely disappoint. This past month, we rode out a sugar coma thanks to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton getting all mushy and gross; tried to care about Irina Shayk insisting she and Kanye West are, like, really a thing; and then yelled at the screen in exasperation when it told us Angelina Jolie and The Weeknd had been seen eating dinner together.
No one actually buys into any of this stunt fluffage, but just nod along because today’s offering is propping up a candy-coated fantasy of “the love of their lives who got away, stayed away, married other people, had kids, got divorced, and then rediscovered each other just when their stunt-queen spot was getting itchy.” People reports that a quick minute after JLo and Ben Affleck made an appearance on Leah Remini’s Instagram page, they went Instagram Official on her page, in addition to being the bliss-oozing cover story of their August issue.
Open Post: Hosted By The $40 Hot Dogs At Kanye West’s Listening Party For “Donda”
This is some Fyre Festival shit, except in keeping on brand with his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian, and former, faux-flesh-in-creepy-casings-loving in-laws, Kanye West offered up some peen-shaped animal by-products on Thursday at the listening event for his upcoming album, Donda, at the Mercedes Benz Stadium in Atlanta. And appeared to be charging $40 per hot dog, because when you have a captive audience with thousands of stomachs growling while you’re stunting your ass off, you always milk that shit for all it’s worth. IOW, business as usual. Page Six reports that the menu for Kanye’s event went viral because no one could wrap their heads around such WTAF shenanigans, not even from him.
The Judge In Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Divorce Fight Has Been Removed By An Appeals Court
The already zillion-year divorce and custody battle between Angelina Jolie, 46, and Brad Pitt, 57, just racked up another century in which to stretch itself out at leisure, dip its toes in the water, and order another round of piña coladas while it waits for its order of sticky chicken wings with extra sauce to emerge from the hotel kitchen. And why not? This petty, prickly mess isn’t going anywhere, so we all just need to settle in and admit that we’re five years older than we were when it started and should begin setting out a lawn chair while waiting for our first AARP newsletters to arrive in the mail.
Angelina’s side has been trying to get the judge in their divorce case removed, and People reports that she’s finally succeeded. This means that Brad no longer has temporary joint custody of the kids. It also means that this tedious, bitter AF custody mess is heading for more mind-numbing season renewals and botched incisions than Grey’s Anatomy.
Open Post: Hosted By Newlyweds Gwen Stefani And Blake Shelton Being Sickening
Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani got married over the July 4th weekend, which is the first eyeroll of note in this story, because you just know they’re going to take cringe-inducing selfies from here into the afterlife with their hand-holding, lip-puckered silhouettes against night skies filled with illegal fireworks and captioned with queasy, sugar-coated crap like, “Our 14th anniversary, and sparks are still flying!” You already have a sickening newlywed couple in your life like this, and you know this sticky, oozy mess is coming and that you’ll have to smash “like” on each post to keep the blasted peace with all your mutual friends.
The next “Jesus fuck, please stop before my eyes roll into traffic” moment (I think we’re at thirty revolutions already) comes to us from People, and it’s easily going to out-gross the annual fireworks barf-fest. Gwen and Blake were at Blake’s restaurant in Oklahoma, and brought their squooshy, so-in-love roadshow tableside. via People:
Kanye West And Irina Shayk Are Still Intact, So Stop Thinking They’re Not
Since 99.9% of the publicists across the US are snorting espresso powder 24/7 to stay awake and prop up the hourly drivel machine that is Benniferaissance, only a few TikTok-scrolling, bong-huffing interns remain to handle the rest of the boring AF, stunting lovebird bollocks on their plates, and all the slacking is really starting to take a toll.
God’s BFF Kanye West, 44, and model Irina Shayk, 35, are clearly casualties of this conspiracy of neglect, and just this past week, we were told that the hottest romance of our generation was over before it even started. Irina is fed up that we’re all getting mixed messages about the lusty flames that may or may not spontaneously erupt when they’re even 20 feet apart. So fed up, in fact, that People tells us she may have sought legal action to set the record straight.