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Open Post: Hosted By The Unicorn Clues Left By Criminals In Colorado

August 7, 2021 / Posted by:

The unicorn figurine in this pic looks like something out of Mariah Carey‘s closet after being on the receiving end of a unicorn bukkake party. But it’s just a cruel tease, because this particular psychedelic and mythical beast was nowhere near Mimi’s enchanted butterfly fairy HQ. According to CBS Denver, it was just one of several bizarre and identifying afterthoughts left by a trio of spectacularly dumb criminals in Boulder, Colorado.

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Lauren Sanchez Is Throwing Jeff Bezos A Party To Celebrate His Return From Space

August 7, 2021 / Posted by:

Lauren Sanchez, the bewitching human-silicone hybrid and sizzling hot (heat safe to 500F) side piece turned entrée of billionaire Jeff Bezos, is celebrating his biggest dick pics ever taken in the absence of blackmail. As we all know, since it was slammed in our faces more times than Ron Jeremy fluffed for a blow job, Jeff Bezos became the second billionaire in space after a giant peen rocket hauled him beyond the Kármán line last month. And according to People, Jeff’s possible fiancée, Lauren, has been busy making trips to The Party Store to pick up packs of streamers and Star Trek-themed paper cups and plates, since the shipping on her Amazon order got all screwed up again and they sent each item in separate boxes, all subject to their own delays. Girlfriends of billionaires: They’re just like us!

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Open Post: Hosted By The Penis Snakes Taking Over Florida

August 1, 2021 / Posted by:

Florida already hosts plenty of dicks in the form of idiots doing stupid shit over there, not to mention the ever-renewing supply of menacing animals trying to kill everyone when they’re not being stashed in the pants of some of said idiots, so they don’t really need more dumbassery going on with the animal kingdom. That said, it’s not like anyone ever gets a choice in the matter, so strap in, y’all.

And speaking of straps, today’s critters of note will probably find themselves chased by horny Floridians attempting to attach extremely sturdy leather ones to them for scientific research purposes that begin with lewd insertions and likely end with ER visits. According to Creative Loafing Tampa, the creatures in question are neither snakes nor penises, but let’s not let technicalities get in the way of the slippery, dusky-violet dildos of everyone’s dreams.

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Simone Biles Withdrew From The Individual Floor Exercise Final At The Olympics

August 1, 2021 / Posted by:

Everyone with a functional sense of awe and appreciation for the heights an impeccably trained and talented human body can reach will feel at least a little selfishly deflated by the news that Simone Biles has withdrawn from Monday’s individual floor exercise final at the 2020 Tokyo Games, after having previously pulled out of both team events and the individual all-around. But there’s also a sense of relief that she is continuing to look out for her mental and physical health by not taking life-threatening risks, unless, of course, you’re the paragon of compassion that is Piers Morgan, who barfed up a stream of breathtaking wisdom wrapped in humanity, doused in heart and unicorn emojis, and tied in a candy-pink ribbon blessed by fasting monks on the waxing moon. Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che, who was also planning to take a swipe at Simone, later joked that his account had been hacked. Watching Simone slice, twist, and leap through the air while appearing to defy the laws of physics in this event is always a completely absorbing, jaw-dropping pleasure, but now I guess I’ll have to mine more athleticism from my own days by getting up off the couch to grab the remote five feet away instead of coaxing the dog to fetch it. Don’t judge! According to ESPN, there is still one more event, the balance beam final on Tuesday, and her participation has not yet been decided.

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Open Post: Hosted By Jetpack Man Hovering Over L.A.

July 31, 2021 / Posted by:

Last Wednesday, a curious phenomenon cavorting in the moody and ribbony, caramel haze otherwise known as the sky over Los Angeles, appeared for the fourth time since it was first spotted in 2020. Not a bird, not a plane, and perhaps not even the same human decked out in fancy flying gear each time, but according to Mashable, there’s some definite UFO shit going on in the shape of a dude with a jet pack, and LAX is on alert.

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Kanye West Has Hired A Private Chef While Working On “Donda” And Living At The Mercedes-Benz Stadium

July 31, 2021 / Posted by:

There’s a lot going on surrounding Kanye West‘s postponed release of Donda, except the actual release itself, but true billionaire genius can’t be rushed! It vibrates at a higher frequency than we poor, dullard plebs can even detect, but one thing we all have in common, lofty genius and flatlining slob alike, is hunger, and fueling the album of a lifetime clearly requires more than the unidentifiable gristly bits that go into a $40 hot dog, so Kanye has brought a private chef on board. You’d think after years of being married into a family committed to “reduce/reuse/recycle” of body parts, that some hastily assembled offcuts of meat would be enough, but here we are.

Kanye has been holed up in a grim little space in Atlanta’s Mercedez-Benz Stadium while frantically attempting to complete the finishing touches on Donda, his much-hyped tenth album. A little over a week ago, he hosted a listening party there, and the album was supposed to drop the next day, but all of our dull-witted, commoner hopes were dashed when that didn’t happen. Page Six has the story on both the humble hovel and the fancy private chef.

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