Lindsay Lohan’s Laptop Was “Stolen” At The Airport

Everybody loses stuff at the airport. Keys. Newspapers. Bags. Small children. If you’re lucky, a TCA agent who sounds like they’re yelling into an industrial-strength fan around a mouthful of dicks will make a garbled announcement and you can shlep your ass back to security and quietly pick up your belongings (unless it’s a kid, they usually want to talk in depth about that). If you’re Lindsay Lohan, a lost laptop quickly escalates from “maybe I left it somewhere” to “someone stole it, I’ll give anything to get it back, oh my god there are nudes on it and creepy love letters to celebrities who won’t give me the time of day!“.

TMZ says Lindsay is desperately scrambling around, trying to reclaim her laptop that was supposedly stolen at an airport in Shanghai, China. The nude photos on it are supposedly from photo shoots that were not supposed to be released (yeah, right). Why would she be so freaked out over someone having photos of shit (NSFW) we’ve had the gross misfortune to have already seen?

The laptop also contains “private correspondence” between Lindsay and celebrities such as Lady Gaga and Woody Allen. I’m sure LiLo has a few (drug) contacts left in various industries, but I can’t be the only one who thinks any correspondence is likely to be completely one-sided. I’m imagining an email sent box filled with messages like the shit you find on Twitter and Instagram from teenagers to their idols.

“ZOMG Woody Allen. I’m ur biggest fan we r both misunderstood artists n it would mean sooooo much if u could give me a part in ur movies sometime!”

(Pic: Splash)

But How Will Daddy Spears Make Britney Her Cheese Grits??

Well, this is not okay. After some grocery stores on the East Coast complained about supply shortages,  Ad Age is reporting Kraft Foods Group is fucking with Brit’s breakfast of choice by “grappling with a Velveeta shortage just as the dip season kicks into full gear.” The stores reported that they won’t receive new shipments until February due to a variety of factors, including a possible plant issue and high demand.

“Given the incredible popularity of Velveeta this time of year, it is possible consumers may not be able to find their favorite product on store shelves over the next couple of weeks,” Kraft spokeswoman Jody Moore said in an email. “Our retail customers are aware of the situation and we expect it to be a short-term issue.“

This explains the ridiculous lines at Costco over the weekend. People weren’t hoarding bottled water and 5-gallon tubs of Crisco (the bulk shopper’s preferred brand of sex lube) because of the weather, they were stocking up on the melted plastic deliciousness that is Velveeta! Now everybody is going to have to reach for the generic brands to make their Ro-Tel dip for their upcoming football parties and imitation knock offs of an imitation knock off can only mean one thing in the digestive distress department- this cake just became the most accurate of all cake fuck ups:

Side note to Hallmark: Thanks for dropping the ball on what could have been the most glorious commercial holiday of all time: Dip Season! This needs to be a thing because I want nothing more in life than to mail out cards to my loved ones that say “Merry Dipmas and A Happy Food Year”.

Kaley Cuoco’s Wedding Video Is As Grating As You Would Imagine It To Be

Watching this video of Kaley Cuoco’s wedding was a shit way to start out Day 2 of the kids’ school being closed due to Coldmageddon and what feels like Day 376 of having some kind of phlegmy plague. Kaley’s natural speaking voice is one step below “screeching drunk bitch at the bar” and hearing her up the exuberance to squeal about it being her wedding day makes me want to hunt her down and slap a piece of duct tape over her mouth. That’s a lot of excitement for a marriage that started with the bride wearing a dress the color of barfed up Pepto Bismol and will inevitably end before the year mark (I have $20 riding on it in the Dlisted office pool).

The video is pretty much a long ass commercial for Kaley’s hair and makeup artists and she looks nice but kind of same old, same old. At least she didn’t have any weird ass bangs this time like she did for the SAG Awards, but they don’t make a hairpiece big enough to cover her level of Try Hard.

Here are some pics of Kaley making artsy stuff and checking for zits at Color Me Mine Studio in Studio City the other day.

(Pics: Splash)

Lady Gaga Uses A Lot Of Words To Say Her Video Will Be Delayed and ARTPOP Isn’t Over

Lady Gaga posted a nearly-500 word entry on her blog (via MTV), saying her upcoming Terry Richardson-directed video for “Do What U Want“, featuring piss king R. Kelly, will be late and crappy just like her “Applause” video.

GooGoo didn’t name names, but said she was betrayed and that her time and health were “gravely mismanaged”. Maybe she kicked Terry to the curb after he attempted to out-weird her by suggesting she dress up in a costume made from used condoms, pipe cleaners and fresh kelp while she fondles llamas. It’s Gaga, so who the fuck knows? She also said she is devastated because she devotes so much of her life to creating fantasies for her fans and apologized for not being Beyonce cranking out steaming piles in a week she’s passing off as videos.

I have to confess I don’t get her visual art shit at all, so the delay of “Do What U Want” just means a little more time for blissful ignorance. I watched the video for “Applause” from start to finish and had this look on my face, even though I desperately wanted to check out at the 0:22 mark where she looks like she’s dressed up as a dingle berry caught in Kim Kardashian’s ass cheeks. If she wanted to create fantasies that appealed to me, she’d make videos where she’s home alone in her house with a good book or about winning the lottery and not having to cook or clean for a family of five anymore.

You can read her blog post in it’s entirety after the jump if you’re interested in an explanation longer and more tedious than her 14-minute video for “Marry the Night“, along with a thinly veiled threat that the ARTPOP fuckery is just beginning.

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I Think We Found The Wicked Witch If They Ever Make A ‘Jizzard Of Oz’ Porno

Sometimes when you nail the “come hither” look, the sky opens up, the birds start singing, angels begin to fellate each other and all is right with the world until you wake up next to coyote ugly the next morning. Courtney Stodden’s attempt at an alluring side-eye is the exact opposite. It’s why the entire Midwest is facing hypothermia, the birds all crashed into windows to end it all and the angels are claiming they all have headaches and aren’t putting out. There’s not enough “Hey there, big boy” and too much “I’ll get you, my pretty“. It IS a slight upgrade from her usual painted, plumped and pursed hemorrhoid lips. The boobs are also on point if her life in the spotlight doesn’t work out. She can use them to carry out plates of Moons Over My Hammy to the drunken late night Denny’s crowd.

Courtney has come a long way since she married Dough Hutchinson at the age of 16. The hooker heels are higher and the attempts at garnering attention are scarier but she might have learned something about love (or read it on a bathroom wall- it’s kind of a toss-up).  She gave a statement to Fox411 in response to Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson’s comments about marrying girls who are 15 or 16 years old:

“I don’t agree with Mr. Robertson,” Stodden told FOX411. “I think people should marry who they love, and not marry based on age.“

If that sentiment ever gets changed to “what they love”, you’re all invited to witness the nuptials between me and onion rings.

(Pic: Twitter)

Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)