And Now For Some More Words Of Hillbilly Wisdom From Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson

In case you missed it, here’s a video from a 2009 Georgia Sportsmen’s Ministry event of the Rosa Parks of born again Christian rednecks, Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, telling men to wife up a Bible-carrying 15-year-old, because they’re way more trainable and 20-year-olds are used-up gold digging whores. Phil could’ve been spitting out a joke, but you know he wasn’t since he started dating his wife when she was 14 and married her when she was 16. If you don’t want to watch that video, because Phil’s beard gives you the itches all over, here’s what he said:

“Look, you wait ’til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket. You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course. Make sure that she can cook a meal… And make sure she carries her Bible. That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road.”

THIS BITCH is such a goddamn stereotype. It’s almost as if he’s basing his life on a book he read titled “How To Pretend You’re A Backwoods Hillbilly In A Reality Show For Maximum Fame And Fortune.” Oh, wait…

So according to Phil, sticking your dick in the anus of a man who wants you to stick your dick in his anus will earn your soul a one-way ticket to the depths of hell, but pulling some grade A Jerry Lee Lewis shit is okay in the eyes of God. Got it.

Obviously, the 15-year-olds that Phil knows are totally different than the 15-year-olds I know. If he told my 15-year-old cousin to pick a duck and cook him a meal, she’d not-so-politely tell him to deep throat a butcher knife. Actually, she wouldn’t say that to his face. She wouldn’t take her hands off of her iPhone and five seconds later he’d get a text that reads: “GO EAT A TOILET TURD, CUNT! AND CAN I BORROW $40?” I want to see him tell my 15-year-old cousin to cook him a meal. He’d pray to God like he’s never prayed to God before.