The L.A. County Sheriff Is Coming For Justin Bieber’s Ass

When Justin Bieber went straight up hardcore middle school thuggin’ Thursday night and egged the shit out of his neighbor’s house, I was pretty underwhelmed. No rolls of toilet paper thrown in the trees? No messages painted on the driveway with waterproof sealer that say shit like “the devil lives here” that won’t show up until the next time it rains? No giant dick and balls burned into the front lawn with bleach? Take several seats, Justin, and let the grown ups handle this. Amateur.

TMZ says the L.A. County Sheriff’s detectives are not letting Justin’s newest attempt to prove he’s the baddest motherfucker in his gated community slide. In California, if you cause over $400 in damages, you can be charged with felony vandalism. Since the home Justin egged is all fancy and shit, there is a possibility that it will cost tens of thousands of dollars to repair the Venetian plaster on the exterior of the home. Detectives have asked the homeowners to submit repair bids by Monday.

The Biebs has already been pressing his luck with all his bullshit shenanigans. L.A. County needs to throw the book at him. Come ooooon, Sheriff’s department! No Lohans, no Lohans!

(Pic: Splash)

Kris and Khloe Have SUCH A Healthy Relationship

Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.

“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”

At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!” Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.

All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.

(Pic: Splash)

Bobbi Kristina Married Her “Adopted Brother”

Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, tweeted the picture above yesterday with this caption:

Whitney! Stop haunting Bobby while dressed as The Ghost of Hot Messes Past for a second and come talk to your daughter.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. When Bobbi Kristina and Nick Gordon got engaged, it was to a chorus of “ewwwwwwws” and “WWWS” (What Would Whitney Say) because Whitney raised them side by side after taking Nick in when he was 12. Even Cissy Houston, Whitney’s mom, drank from a cup of hate because she was worried Nick was a gold digger and only after the money Bobbi Kristina inherited when her mother died.

I usually like news about weddings. I start dreaming about open bars and occasions where I can wear something other than pajamas with flip flops. I can’t muster up any enthusiasm for this one and it’s not just the brother lover angle. The tweet Bobbi Kristina sent out had all the emojis you’d expect to find with a social media marriage announcement that didn’t even rate a decent Instagram filter. I also couldn’t figure out if that “YERP” was added by Bobbi, a tag from a website or if the Swedish Chef was giving this union his blessing.

The best thing that could come out of this is if Bobbi Kristina and Nick send out thank you notes that echo the lovely sentiments they left their former neighbor.

“You are shit at the bottom of our shoe. Thanks for the gravy boat.”

(Pic: Twitter)

Farrah Abraham Says Her Sex Tape Ruined Her Life

Usually when you hear somebody talk about mistakes they’ve made, it’s shit like “I’m sorry got drunk and humped on your second cousin at your sister’s confirmation party” or “I’m sorry I had that third taco from the bunkass food truck and blew up the office bathroom.” Have this look ready to go when you read Farrah Abraham’s interview with InTouch where she says the release of her sex tape was a huge mistake and if she could take it back, she would.

“It made it hard to have friends and a private life and to trust family, who I feel use me for money,” Farrah tells In Touch, on newsstands now. “If I went back in time, I would not have done it. The sex tape ruined my life.”

Despite warnings from family who feared selling the X-rated tape would send a terrible message to her 4-year-old daughter, Sophia, Farrah did it anyway — and says she quickly realized it was a bad idea. “Knowing my sex tape was out there for everyone in the world to see … was overwhelming,” she says. “I wanted to hide my face and not go out or pick up my phone.”

Foresight, motherfucker, do you have it?? Of COURSE it was a bad fucking idea. Of COURSE you are surrounded by shady assholes (GONG) who are using you. Of COURSE you should hide that horse face, perhaps with this stylish fly rug.

For someone who was supposedly so damn ashamed of getting butt plowed for the almighty dollar, Farrah tried her hardest to keep that money rolling in. She sold the story of upgrading her tits to the tabs and pimped out her rancid tunnels a second time by allowing them to be made into rubber fuck molds. She also tried to drag her then-boyfriend, DJ Brian Dawe, onto VH1’s Couple’s Therapy, but ended up doing the show alone when he wised up and got the fuck out out of there.

Still, she’s glad she went ahead and did the show by herself. “Therapy helped me understand I can’t continue experiencing life [the way I had been], that I’m more special than sex tapes,” she explains. “Hearing others tell me my worth is [all based on] my body. … I’m stronger than that.”

What Farrah really meant to say was, “I didn’t get anywhere near as rich as I thought and since I can’t afford to wipe my leaking ass with hundred dollar bills, I’m going to say it was all a huge mistake!“ The rampant Daddy issues are implied.

(Pic: Wenn)

Naya Rivera Looked REALLY Familiar Last Night

Q: What do you get when you add Kim Kardashian a face tweak or two ago to Jennifer Lopez, then subtract 75 pounds of ass?

A: K. Lo Rivera, the alter-ego of Glee actress Naya Rivera that showed up to the People’s Choice Awards!

Everybody and their mama’s one-eyed, blind cat made the KK and JLo connections and it’s a damn shame Naya went from this to looking like a bad wax statue of either of those hos.

Naya spent a LOT of time looking shell shocked last night. One explanation for her frozen face is that she gave Nicole Kidman’s red carpet beauty secret a shot and slipped some dry ice into her facial steamer. Or maybe Marc Anthony followed her all night trying to win JLo back by crooning “Need To Know” in her ear looking like Gollum dressed for the prom. The most likely is she overheard Kris Jenner talking about adopting her ass because the Kardashians are in the market for a replacement Kim in case the original one’s face finally slides all the way down and hits the floor.

If the latter is the case, all I can say is “RUN, BITCH! RUUUUN!”

Here are some pics of K. Lo Rivera from last night at the Who Picks This Shit People’s Choice Awards last night.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

But Would Aunt Becky Approve Of DJ Tanner Growing Up To Be A Submissive Wife?

During an appearance on HuffPost Live (via USWeekly), Candance Cameron Bure of Full House fame defended the views on marital submissiveness that she wrote about in her book Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose.

“The definition I’m using with the word ‘submissive’ is the biblical definition of that,” Bure explained. “So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength. And that’s what I choose to have in my marriage.“

I can’t speak on biblical definitions since I’m still thanking my lucky stars my ass didn’t burst into flames when I did a reading at my friend’s church wedding last year. I’d ask Kirk Cameron for his thoughts since this evangelical stuff is right up his alley, but I wouldn’t want to interrupt one of his anti-gay soliloquies or another depressing birthday party.

Here is an excerpt from Candace’s book about the dynamic between her and husband Valeri Bure:

The former child star wrote, “My husband is a natural-born leader. I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work.”

“I love that my man is a leader. I want him to lead and be the head of our family,” she said. “Those major decisions do fall on him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t voice my opinion or have an opinion, I absolutely do.”

But, ultimately, her husband gets the final say. “It is very difficult to have two heads of authority,” Bure explained. “It doesn’t work in military, it doesn’t work — I mean, you have one president, you know what I’m saying?”

She further explained: “We are equal in our . . . importance, but we are just different in our performances within our marriage.”

Candace might be onto something here because in the Bure household, there aren’t 20 minute conversations that revolve around where to go for dinner. “I don’t want to pick the restaurant. You always tell me to pick, then you get upset when it’s a place you don’t want to go and get all quiet. I’m not saying you’re a nag, I’m just saying if you tell me up front where you want to go, we wouldn’t have these stupid arguments. No, I didn’t say YOU were stupid, I said the situation is.” That’s about all I’m on board for though.

It’s true that everybody needs to do what they can to tolerate living with someone for the rest of their lives without losing their shit and pushing their significant other down a flight of stairs. Compromise is one of those necessary evils in relationships and it looks like Candace took the meek, biblical wife/dominant husband road while some of us just scream  “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY KIMMY GIBBLER, YOU SURE AS HELL DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY DJ TANNER!” (you know Marilyn would have loved her some Uncle Jesse).

(Pic: Wenn)