And The Title Of The Most Illegally Downloaded Artist of 2013 Goes To…

The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.

I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.

His song “Gorilla” is baffling as well. How the hell did we go from Nine Inch Nails to Bloodhound Gang (links NSFW) to Bruno Mars in the fuckin’ like animals department??

(Pic: Splash)

The Tears Are Implied In Gwyneth Paltrow’s New Year’s Detox Plan

As a mid-thirties housewife with a handful of kids and too much time on my hands, I’ve always thought I could be close to the Goop demographic, minus the ridiculous level of required disposable income, one dear friend named William Joel and with far too much natural idiocy. My attempts at being fancy usually end up with me trying to pass off a gourmet lasagna (whose ingredients cost $75) as some kind of inverted mess after I have to shovel it back in the pan because I spilled it while trying to do a David Lee Roth celebratory kick while taking it out of the oven.

Reading Radar’s post about Gwenyth Paltrow’s annual New Year’s detox diet is all I needed to realize I am SO not her demographic. I don’t have the willpower to not snack between breakfast and my first morning snack (I eat like a hobbit), so the breakdown of the Goop-approved detox just makes me sad.

Day One of Paltrow’s diet, for example, starts off with a glass of “room temperature lemon water.”

At 8 am, dieters may indulge in a mug of herbal tea.

At 10, for breakfast, it’s still more tea with various spices and just two tablespoons of almond butter mixed with half a cup of almond milk.

At 11:30, it’s time for tea or lemon water again.

And at 1:30, her recipe for lunch — which serves four! — includes just one cup of chickpeas, six cups of water, one large onion, juice from three lemons and salt and pepper.

Three hours later, dieters can snack on a paté made from 3/4 cup of walnuts, one cup of lentils, one large onion and seasonings.

Finally, dinner time is 1/4 of a stuffed squash.

Since my method of detox is to go five three days without circuit training fast food establishments to get a Double Whopper with Cheese (with none of that Satan’s jizz known as mayo), McDonald’s fries and a frosty from Wendy’s to dip them in, I know for a fact I wouldn’t make it past 10am. Whatever the health benefits are, and a licensed nutritionist pretty much smacked the detox in the head with a folding chair WWE-style, the only thing we can be sure of is that Chris Martin is somewhere in a bunker with the kids, canned food, bottled water and a small arsenal of weapons waiting out Gwyneth’s hangry rage.

(Pic: Wenn)

Yeah, Sure… It’s Kylie Jenner’s Monogamy That Bothers Us

16-year-old Kylie Jenner posted this pic on Instagram on January 2nd with the caption “My monogamy it bothers you” and there is so, SO much to be bothered by. First, the combination of that pose with that outfit. If Kris Jenner hadn’t taken the form of Beezlebub when she first landed here on Earth, I’d be asking where the hell Kylie’s mother is, but we all know that’s a lost cause. Kris probably handled the wardrobe, makeup, hair, lighting, art direction and photography herself on this fuckery.

Second, what the hell does that caption even mean??!?? Did she really mean monogamy because the last time anybody checked, Thing 2 swore she was single and not playing 7 Minutes in Heaven with Jaden Smith or anybody else. Maybe she meant mahogany. Or Monopoly. Either way, I’m far more comfortable thinking that she’s talking about furniture or board games and that Kylie’s homeschooling is falling short in the vocabulary lesson department than I am thinking someone would actually be bothered by a teenage girl’s monogamy.

NOW GET OFF THE DAMN FLOOR, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON AND GET OFF MY LAWN, KYLIE!

(Pic: Instagram)

Kate Winslet Would Like You To Save Your Judgment For Miley

Kate Winslet just got done sticking her pinky out and politely telling the world they don’t fucking know her life in an interview with Glamour UK . To give the CliffsNotes version, she said that nobody has the right to comment on anybody else’s choices after her ass got raked over the coals by the pearl clutching sector for having three kids by three different men. Kate must have pushed out some brain cells along with her last baby and forgot she said that, because HuffPo is reporting that Kate did an interview with Psychologies magazine (via The Independent) where she threw Miley Cyrus under the bus.

“I mean, you think about someone like Miley Cyrus, and I said to my daughter the other day, ‘I’m this close to opening my mouth about what’s going on with that girl.’ Who is actually saying, ‘Stop for a second. What do you want, who are you?‘”

What rock Kate has been living under? Everybody and their Sinead O’Connor has been saying that shit to Miley and she has made it abundantly clear she will do whatever the fuck she wants. She’s gonna rub her flat ass on anything that will stand still, taste the wafting scent of her own fuckery in the air with that diseased tongue and make people cringe just to see how far the ripple effect will go because that’s who Miley has decided she is.

On one hand, I’m throwing Country Bear Jamboree’s mom some side-eye and a hand signal to stay in her own lane because of the “don’t judge me, judge her!” angle. On the other, I don’t disagree with Kate but it’s only because I’m clinging to the slim hope that Billy Ray will take a moment out of his busy VO5 hot oil treatment schedule to come get Miley before Noah gets tossed on stage next to her and there’s two of them to deal with.

(Pics: Splash)

Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Might Be Back On Again… Again

The shit streak on the drawers of humanity (aka Justin Bieber) and Selena Gomez were photographed yesterday riding Segways through his gated community (the rich kid version of a Big Wheels playdate) and I’m harboring some resentment that nobody thought to accidentally-on-purpose run his scrawny ass into the gutter or at the very least, get really close and honk the horn to see if he’d fall off the stupid thing.

When Selena suddenly canceled the Asia and Australia dates of her “Stars Dance” tour, it was blamed on everything from to lupus (it’s never lupus!) to Justin breaking her heart into a bajillion pieces. Despite Justin appearing to have zero redeeming qualities that would either make him good boyfriend material in the first place or worthy of a tenth chance, a source told HollywoodLife that these two co-dependent kids are spending time together again.

“Selena accepted his advances and invitations,” the source adds. “She should really watch out though, he is definitely interested in Selena but not for all the right and gentleman type reasons.”

“During the holidays, Justin played on the emotions they have for each other and worked them to his advantage because who wants to be alone during the holidays?” a source tells HollywoodLife.com exclusively.

Justin must have used up all his good lines in October when he went around South America asking various women if they’d like all his semen because playing the nobody-wants-to-be-lonely-around-the-holidays card rates a D+ at best in the smooth moves department. Selena needs to take Katy Perry’s “Unconditionally” off repeat, execute a flawless turnt up wheelie in her Barbie jeep and give Justin the finger before she finds herself dumped on her ass by the toddler Lady Killah by Valentine’s Day.

Here are some more pics of Justin and Selena on their bizarre Segway date, complete with a chaperone and what I’m going to guess is Justin’s mom riding alongside in the SUV to hand out juice boxes and goldfish crackers when it’s snack time.

(Pics: Wenn)

Dwyane Wade And Gabrielle Union Might NOT Have Been On A Break

Reason #875823 to not be an Instagram attention whore: That shit can backfire hardcore when nosy media types are trying to piece together exactly when you and your dick-passing manho were on a break long enough for him to knock someone up and have you be okay with it.

TMZ did some digging into Gabrielle Union’s Instagram account trying to find evidence of the break Gabby and Dwyane Wade were supposedly taking when he humped a baby into another woman, but found a shit ton of nothing. If you do the math based on baby Xavier’s delivery date of November 10th and ASSume he was born close to his due date, there are a lot of damn pictures of Gabrielle and Dwyane around the supposed time of conception looking mighty fucking happy.

Unless they were broken up for three whole days or Gabby doesn’t mind her man fucking other women, all signs point to someone being a cheating liar who lies and cheats, especially if you take into account all the depressing quote pics Gabrielle uploaded starting at the beginning of April. “We cannot start over but we can begin now and make a new ending” sounds a LOT like “I’m trying to forget that time some bitch Snapchatted me a pic of a pee stick with a plus sign on it, asshole“.

If Dwyane needs some tips on how to co-parent with baby mama Aja Metoyer, he can get in touch with Damon Wayans Jr., with whom she has two kids. It’s too bad Damon didn’t jump out of a closet in full Homey D. Clown gear and smack Dwyane in the dick with a sock full of pennies before he could stick in it. It could have saved Gabrielle a lot of heartache and Dwyane at least four carats.

(Pic: Instagram)