I Think We Found The Wicked Witch If They Ever Make A ‘Jizzard Of Oz’ Porno

Sometimes when you nail the “come hither” look, the sky opens up, the birds start singing, angels begin to fellate each other and all is right with the world until you wake up next to coyote ugly the next morning. Courtney Stodden’s attempt at an alluring side-eye is the exact opposite. It’s why the entire Midwest is facing hypothermia, the birds all crashed into windows to end it all and the angels are claiming they all have headaches and aren’t putting out. There’s not enough “Hey there, big boy” and too much “I’ll get you, my pretty“. It IS a slight upgrade from her usual painted, plumped and pursed hemorrhoid lips. The boobs are also on point if her life in the spotlight doesn’t work out. She can use them to carry out plates of Moons Over My Hammy to the drunken late night Denny’s crowd.

Courtney has come a long way since she married Dough Hutchinson at the age of 16. The hooker heels are higher and the attempts at garnering attention are scarier but she might have learned something about love (or read it on a bathroom wall- it’s kind of a toss-up).  She gave a statement to Fox411 in response to Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson’s comments about marrying girls who are 15 or 16 years old:

“I don’t agree with Mr. Robertson,” Stodden told FOX411. “I think people should marry who they love, and not marry based on age.“

If that sentiment ever gets changed to “what they love”, you’re all invited to witness the nuptials between me and onion rings.

(Pic: Twitter)