Multiplex employees everywhere can finally begin to breathe a sigh of relief, for they’re finally in the Fifty Shades homestretch. Only a few more weekends of holding down their gag reflex when a middle-aged woman asks them for the 6,379th time if they’re so excited for the “climax” of the series. And if the box office numbers are any indication, they might have to suffer just a little longer.
Irish vulgarity translator Jamie Dornan went on Conan to sell the thankfully last film in the Fifty Shades of This Isn’t Doing Much For Making Kink Look Fun trilogy. Because you’ve got to have a gimmick, the prettiest serial killer in existence (The Fall made me understand why Ted Bundy had groupies) had a story about taking off co-star Dakota Johnson’s panties. I’m pretty sure this is the same sort of story Clark Gable told about Vivian Leigh’s drawers on Tonight Starring Steve Allen.
They’ve been dragging the final installment of the 50 Shades franchise out like a tantric orgasm yet it still doesn’t hit theaters until Valentine’s Day. But the day we’ll be all 50 Shades Freed from that mess is almost here so both of its stars have been making the rounds. Wet noodle Dakota Johnson was on The Tonight Show this week and the other wet noodle Jamie Dornan was on Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In the interview, Jamie tells Jimmy that he had to wear a “wee” bag for his dick while filming his sex scenes. There is no avoiding the fact that Jamie is a hot piece of Irish ass so when he talks about his dick, my loins sit up and listen. He can thank his fellow countryman Colin Farrell for the fact that when I picture an Irish dick, I picture a fleshy tallboy of Guinness.
You could just tell from Darren Aronofsky’s rambling on and on and on and…you get the idea…about his twisted Sunday School of a movie, mother!, that he just KNEW he was going to spend the night of the Oscars collecting statue after statue and rubbing shoulders with Meryl Streep. Instead, he’ll get the chance to maybe be the muse for James Franco’s next movie about a turd of a movie (well, if he’s even allowed to make movies again). That’s right, the 38th annual Golden Raspberry Awards nominees were released today, and it looks like those Fifty Shades Of Shit movies have some competition from mother!. Continue reading
Jamie Dornan of 50 Shades of Utterly Boring Misrepresentation of BDSM fame is currently shilling the last chapter in the 50 Shades film franchise. Hence, he needs to come up with slightly salacious stories to go with his Christian Gray role. Either that or he knew this ridiculous one would go well with the Graham Norton brand. E! reports on Jamie’s appearance on the British talk show in which he revealed that he once glued wig hair to his junk to make girls think he was grown. We’ve all been there, Jamie! (Ok, no, we haven’t. But at least you grew up pretty, you big geek.)
Jamie says that he looked about “seven” when he was 15 and appearing in an amateur production of The Cherry Orchard. They made him wear a ridiculous wig which he got a lot of use out of when it came to trying to get laid at a cast party.
“I might meet a girl and maybe she drops a hand, so I had the idea to maybe cut off some extra hair,” he said. “So I went into the dressing room, I went into like the toilet, and cut off this like very curly jet-black hair.”
He said he used UHU glue to stick the hair to his crotch area.
“I remember standing in front of the mirror going, ‘That looks alright,'” Dornan said. “Just the lengths you go to.”
This story is rad mainly because I learned the Irish slang for finger-blasting. Thank you, Jamie. You know Jamie’s co-guest Helen Mirren is going to use that one in the future.
The world may be a shitty place at the moment, but at least there’s one tiny silver lining: next Valentine’s Day will be the last one where the world is tormented with a new Fifty Shades Of Grey movie. Can I get a whips and chains amen?! Continue reading