We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Part two of the BDSM for boring people Fifty Shades epic, Fifty Shades Darker, premiered this weekend. Inexplicably, it’s a hit and Deadline is reporting that it’s going to open at #2 at the box office, right behind The Lego Batman Movie. In fact, they’re saying it’s “the fourth-biggest opening ever for an R-rated film, behind the first offering, Deadpool and The Matrix Revolutions.” Box Office Mojo estimates that it will make close to $50 million this weekend alone.
Fifty Shits Darker comes out this week, so Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are on their latest “Pretend Like We Sort Of Kind Of Like Each Other” press tour.
Jamie and Dakota were in Madrid yesterday where he looked like he’s trying to hold in the internal screams that are aching to burst out of him. (But doesn’t he always look like that?) And Dakota and her stylist pulled a good move. They decided that the best way to temporarily distract everyone from the turd fumes wafting off of Fifty Shades is to wear the loudest dress possible.
This Gucci dress is something Evan Rachel Wood’s character would wear if HBO did a crossover episode between Westworld and Vinyl (RIP). If Loretta Lynn and a rival had a showdown at sunset and their weapons of choice were hot glue guns and sequins, this is what Loretta would look like after losing. That dress is all ruffles and all “spoiled 5-year-old girl from the 1970s.” What I’m trying to say is that Nicole Kidman is probably going to pick up her phone and delete her stylist’s number. How could Nicole’s stylist let Dakota get a hold of this dress first?!
And I hated that ruffle bukkake of a dress until I saw the back:
This may be a secret message. Dakota Johnson hates Jamie Dornan so much, it’s like flames, flames, flaaaames on the back of her back.
And here’s more of Jamie looking fifty shades of ecstatic while posing with Dakota at the Madrid premiere yesterday, and also at the London premiere tonight.
In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!
The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.
The third and final movie in the Fifty Shades series called Fifty Shits Freed is still shooting, and yesterday wet piece of cardboard Dakota Johnson and chiseled wooden block Jamie Dornan got into their swim chonies to shoot a beach scene in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France.
I’ve only read about 25 pages of the first book and I haven’t read the other two, because if I want to put my eyes on dumb raunch and trash, I’d read my own blog posts. So I have no idea if there’s a scene in Fifty Shits Freed where that Christian Grey dude and that Anastasia chick go on a beach vacation and decide to try to fit in with the tourists so she buys a shit-fitting, factory-defective bikini from the J. Crew outlet and he buys swim trunks from L.L. Bean. That would explain what they’re wearing.
Everyone always says that Hollywood is ran by Jewish men and gay men, but the latter is obviously not true. Because Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t wear a crotch flap in The Legend of Tarzan, and Jamie Dornan wears baggy dad trunks in this Fifty Shits wreck. Besides, Christian Grey is a billionaire and everyone knows that when billionaires go to the beach, they wear this (but one made out of actual $100 bills):
See, this is why the Fifty Shits books and movies can’t be taken seriously. They’re so not realistic!
Pics: Splash, Budgy Smuggler