Jamie Dornan Talks About His “50 Shades” Penis Pouch

They’ve been dragging the final installment of the 50 Shades franchise out like a tantric orgasm yet it still doesn’t hit theaters until Valentine’s Day. But the day we’ll be all 50 Shades Freed from that mess is almost here so both of its stars have been making the rounds. Wet noodle Dakota Johnson was on The Tonight Show this week and the other wet noodle Jamie Dornan was on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In the interview, Jamie tells Jimmy that he had to wear a “wee” bag for his dick while filming his sex scenes. There is no avoiding the fact that Jamie is a hot piece of Irish ass so when he talks about his dick, my loins sit up and listen. He can thank his fellow countryman Colin Farrell for the fact that when I picture an Irish dick, I picture a fleshy tallboy of Guinness.

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The Razzie Nominations Are Here, And It’s A “mother!” Of A Line-Up

You could just tell from Darren Aronofsky’s rambling on and on and on and…you get the idea…about his twisted Sunday School of a movie, mother!, that he just KNEW he was going to spend the night of the Oscars collecting statue after statue and rubbing shoulders with Meryl Streep. Instead, he’ll get the chance to maybe be the muse for James Franco’s next movie about a turd of a movie (well, if he’s even allowed to make movies again). That’s right, the 38^th annual Golden Raspberry Awards nominees were released today, and it looks like those Fifty Shades Of Shit movies have some competition from mother!. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Jamie Dornan’s Story About Faking Pubic Hair

Jamie Dornan of 50 Shades of Utterly Boring Misrepresentation of BDSM fame is currently shilling the last chapter in the 50 Shades film franchise. Hence, he needs to come up with slightly salacious stories to go with his Christian Gray role. Either that or he knew this ridiculous one would go well with the Graham Norton brand. E! reports on Jamie’s appearance on the British talk show in which he revealed that he once glued wig hair to his junk to make girls think he was grown. We’ve all been there, Jamie! (Ok, no, we haven’t. But at least you grew up pretty, you big geek.)

Jamie says that he looked about “seven” when he was 15 and appearing in an amateur production of The Cherry Orchard. They made him wear a ridiculous wig which he got a lot of use out of when it came to trying to get laid at a cast party.

“I might meet a girl and maybe she drops a hand, so I had the idea to maybe cut off some extra hair,” he said. “So I went into the dressing room, I went into like the toilet, and cut off this like very curly jet-black hair.”

He said he used UHU glue to stick the hair to his crotch area.

“I remember standing in front of the mirror going, ‘That looks alright,'” Dornan said. “Just the lengths you go to.”

This story is rad mainly because I learned the Irish slang for finger-blasting. Thank you, Jamie. You know Jamie’s co-guest Helen Mirren is going to use that one in the future.

Pic: YouTube

The Full “Fifty Shades Freed” Trailer Is Here

The world may be a shitty place at the moment, but at least there’s one tiny silver lining: next Valentine’s Day will be the last one where the world is tormented with a new Fifty Shades Of Grey  movie. Can I get a whips and chains amen?! Continue reading

Here’s The Teaser Trailer For “Fifty Shades Freed”

The new teaser trailer for the third film called Fifty Shades Freed is out, and once again it looks like it’s NOT about a kinky couple bumping uglies in the paint swatch samples aisle at Home Depot.

Not to humble brag or anything, but I don’t really follow these films, nor did I read any of the books. But like any other red-blooded American woman, a certain amount of knowledge has, without my consent, slipped into my subconscious. So I guess I know the basics. The first one was all “I’m an A-type ugly duckling who needs to get laid, damn who’s this sexy manipulator?” and the second one was all “I got my back blown out by a billionaire and now it’s my turn to hold the whip.” According to this teaser trailer, I guess this third one is all “let me go ahead and marry this dude cuz I got rich bitch shit to do, oh no did I just get kidnapped by some other dude I wanna fuck?”

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And Now For The Dudes Of The Oscars

We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.

My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.

Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.

And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash