Category: Where Is Shelly?
Miles Teller’s Grandmother Thinks He Should Be The Next James Bond
It’s 100% false and untrue that Miles Teller has a face that only a mother could resist wanting to punch. For example, Mile’s granny Leona “Mup” Flowers thinks the sun rises and sets with every twinkle of his eye, and that the tides are tied to each douchey smirk that slides across his face. According to Mup, there’s nothing Miles can’t do, including a believable British accent. Us Weekly reports that Mup hopped on Twitter this week to suggest that her grandson would be the perfect actor to replace Daniel Craig as the next James Bond. Can’t you just picture it? No really, try. “The names Jim. Jim Bond. But you can call me Highball, that’s what my frat brothers call me. I’ll have a Bud Lite, shaken not stirred. No glass, I’m gonna shotgun it.” Swap the tuxedo for a Tommy Bahama shirt and I do believe that Mup might be onto something. Sorry, typo. On something.
Tom Cruise Arrived On The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of “Top Gun: Maverick” In A Helicopter
It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.
The Release Dates For Both “Mission: Impossible 7” And “Top Gun: Maverick” Have Been Delayed Once Again
Well fuck me, I might be starting to feel sorry for the guy. Deadline reports that the release dates for Tom Cruise’s most special babies, Mission: Impossible 7 and Top Gun 2: Bottoming Out, have been delayed once again. Tom is busting his ass, sometimes almost literally, over and over and over again, for our entertainment and for what? So he can get his car stolen and be mistaken for Lil’ Kim? Why, it’s enough to put anybody off their curry, even Tommy Two Tikkas.
Tom Cruise Ate At An Indian Restaurant And People On Twitter Didn’t Believe It Was Really Him
It’s a generally accepted fact that the high-flying glamour of Hollywood is positively drab and rural when compared to the dazzling lights of Birmingham in England. Still, some people could not believe their eyes when they saw a picture of one of the world’s biggest movie stars, Tom Cruise, standing outside an Indian restaurant having just bang-banged two entire orders of Chicken Tikka Masala while in town filming Mission: Impossible 7. Incredulous people on Twitter asked “who is the shortie with the puffy face?” with many insisting the man was probably one of Tom’s myriad lookalikes. However, according to The Express UK, the shortie with the puffy face was absolutely the one and only Tomothy Cruise!
Tom Cruise And His Rumored Girlfriend Hayley Atwell Attended Wimbledon Together
A lot of people have had a difficult pandemic what with all the people dying and the economic collapse and everything, but I don’t think anyone has had a tougher go of it than Tom Cruise. He’s supposed to be balls deep in speed right now but COVID-19 related production delays for both Top Gun 2: Buttercup Buckles Up and Mission: Impossible VII means no promo tours for Tommy and therefore no couches to pummel with his tiny, furious feet. So if the rumors are true and Tom’s next Chosen One is in fact his MI7 costar Haley Atwell, he’s stuck parading her around at Wimbledon instead of giving her the proper promotion promised in all his previous contracts.
Filming Has Shut Down On “Mission: Impossible 7” Over Several Positive COVID-19 Tests
Someone better watch their back because Tom Cruise is going to rage out of his cha-cha heels again. Back in February 2020, production on the seventh Mission: Impossible movie was shut down in Venice because of Coronavirus. Since then, Tom has made it his mission, which he chose to accept, to get that movie made. His ass was building high-tech Coronavirus-safe bunkers and he was renting cruise ships to keep people isolated. Tom was doing the most to keep the cast and crew COVID-free. And still, they tried him and after Tom witnessed crew members not socially distancing, he went off on them in a recording that was later leaked. After all that, Tommy couldn’t keep Coronavirus away, because several people working on the movie tested positive and production has been shut down again.