Open Post: Hosted By Gwyneth Paltrow Gifting Herself A Vibrator In Goop’s Holiday Ad
It’s the holidays and so you know what that means: all the brands are busting out the commercials to sell you shit. Peloton did a great job of it (not really, Ryan Reynolds did it better) and so now we’re seeing who else can promo their capitalist bullshit to the world. Enter: Goop. Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to sell you all the blessed camel’s milk, non-healing pussy eggs, and other overpriced nonsense you could never afford or need. And she’s got a doozy: here’s Gwyneth’s holiday commercial featuring her gifting herself a vibrator.
Do you know what G. Label is? No? You must be a peasant then. It’s Goop’s limited edition private label, and to push it, Goop has put out a holiday ad that is for the rich women of the world. It features Gwyneth getting ready for guests in her luxurious penthouse. Tying ribbons with diamond rings on her fingers worth more than your home, car and bank account combined. Gwyneth preparing drinks in her million-dollar kitchen. Gwyneth in her thousand-dollar outfits while she prances around her home. And of course, Gwyneth stuffing her own stocking with a vibrator and then taking it back to use. Wait… why she stuffing her own stocking? Did she steal someone’s vibrator she was giving as a gift? Well, she better keep it now.
The only line I actually liked from this commercial is this one:
“Gaze into your soul, but also: stare into the abyss.”
I am staring into the abyss; it’s called this advertisement. Here’s Gwyn getting her insanely expensive holiday on. I see she did not come out with a holiday-themed vaginal egg, which I think is a missed opportunity. The Blessed Egg Nog Pussy Egg? The Frankincense & Myrrh Pussy Egg? The risqué, scented Mistletoe Pussy Egg? You gotta kiss under it!
Pic: YouTube