Time to update my will, because I’ve got a new favorite song to play on loop at my funeral! It’s Cardi B’s “WAP”, featuring Megan Thee Stallion. WAP stands for “Wet Ass Pussy”, because of course it does. Last night both the song and the music video were released. The video was directed by Colin Tilley (the auteur also behind Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”), and features cameos from Normani, Rosaliá, Rubi Rose, Sukihana, Mulatto, and… Kylie Jenner.
“WAP” is Cardi’s first single as a lead artist since last year, and it’s the first new music Megan’s released since she was tragically shot in both feet last month (after a pool party that Kylie Jenner was at). Yesterday Cardi posted a video on Instagram announcing she’d be dropping the single that night, but, tragically, the censored YouTube music video would replace the words “wet ass pussy” with “wet and gushy”. Um, that’s far grosser, honestly.
Here’s Cardi’s announcement:
Cardi explains, “The song was so nasty that YouTube was like ‘hold on, wait a minute, that song might be too goddamn nasty’”, and I sincerely hope that’s a direct quote from an elderly, white, monocle-wearing YouTube executive.
The video is somethin’ else. Gird your loins!
If you can’t click on that video, here’s a rundown of what happens. Cardi and Megan walk down a funhouse-like hallway in a mansion, peeking their heads into all the different rooms. First, they spot some Tiger King soft core porn (aka tigers humping on each other). Then we zoom into a room where they writhe on the floor with snakes (it maaaay represent dicks??), followed by some sexy dancing in a striped lime/purple factory.
This is followed by the Kylie Jenner cameo. She walks down a hallway in slutty animal print. The end. Now over to the all-leopard room, where Cardi, in pasties, raps and touches herself beside a leopard. Then we jump on over to Megan’s cat room, which is filled with white tigers. Thanks to my university education, I’ve come to the conclusion that all the big cats in this video represent pussies.
There’s also a big dance number in a dripping wet pool solarium (wet like a pussy), followed by the other celebrity cameos in their respective themed rooms. Normani gets the most screen time. She gets to dance her ass off in all-houndstooth.
The whole song is set to a sample of Frank Ski repeating, “there’s some whores in this house, there’s some whores in this house!” (although some outlets are reporting it as “hoes”, so I guess you hear what you wanna hear).
I honestly can’t decide which lyrics to tattoo above my
pussy gushy mushy. It’s a toss-up between: “I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage”, or: “Not a garter snake, I need a King Cobra”, OR: “Put this pussy right up in your face, Swipe your nose like a credit card”. Decisions, decisions.