While Elon Musk is busy filming a remake of The Island of Dr. Moreau on a yacht in Greece this week, a judge in Delaware has sided with Twitter and granted the company an expedited five-day trial to begin in October. Twitter is suing Elon for saying “psyche!” after entering into a contract to buy the company for $44 billion. According to Reuters, Elon had requested a February 2023 start to give his team time to launch an “extensive investigation into the true number” of droids he was looking for, whereas Twitter argued for a September date in order to minimize the damage any delays might have on their bottom line. This means Elon only has a few more months to complete his vivisection and fertility experiments on his monkeys before he’s due in court.
Alternatively, he could just not kill and impregnate the monkeys and instead train them to run a bunch of bot accounts so he can go “gotcha, I told so!” and get himself out of this mess through the back door. But I guess that would be too easy and bloodless for him. Reuters reports:
July 19 (Reuters) – Twitter Inc’s (TWTR.N) lawsuit to hold Elon Musk to his $44 billion takeover will go to trial in October after a Delaware judge said on Tuesday the social media company deserved a quick resolution of the deal’s uncertainty.
The ruling is a blow to Musk who pushed for a trial in February which his lawyer told the court would allow for an extensive investigation into the true number of spam accounts on the platform. Twitter had requested a September trial.
Chancellor Kathaleen McCormick of the Court of Chancery in Delaware said the parties were capable of handling an expedited trial.
“The reality is delay threatens irreparable harm to the sellers,” she said, referring to Twitter.
She asked the parties to work out the schedule for the trial, which she set at five days.
Twitter’s lawyer William Savitt argued during the hearing that the number of bot and spam accounts on its service had no bearing on its deal with Musk. He said Musk seized on the issue because he was seeking to “conjure an exit ramp for a deal that doesn’t have one.”
Musk had argued an expedited trial would prevent the truth about spam from coming to light.
Oh no, not the dreaded truth about spam! That’s almost worse than the truth about cats and dogs. Almost. I’m not even sure you can handle the truth about cats and dogs. But whatever, here goes — They are one and the same after Dr. Musk is done with his sinister splicing. Don’t believe me? Here’s Elon after using himself as a subject in a rare and dangerous marshmallow X hairless mole rat hybrid experiment.
And yes, the insides of this monster are made of Spam. And that’s the truth!
Pic: Christophe Gateau/DPA/Cover Images