The Porn Iguana And Doug Hutchison Are Back Together Because True Love Always Conquers

Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!

Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.

“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.

When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”

During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.

Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)

Aaron Carter Might Be Trying To Woo Back Recent Divorcée Hilary Duff

I don’t know what’s worse: referring to Hilary Duff as a divorcée, or that it’s 2014 and I’m bringing you a story about Aaron Carter that isn’t about declaring bankruptcy or his appearance on a 3rd-tier reality show like Curling with the Stars or I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here – Ukraine Edition.

It’s only been 4 days since Hilary Duff announced her split from Mike Comrie (a man with the hardest working neck in the business), but it looks like Aaron Carter is hoping to swoop in and rekindle the romance they had once upon a time. Oh, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten the pre-Angelina-Brad-Jennifer love-triangle that was Hilary-Aaron-Lindsay?

It all began when Aaron took to Twitter to tweet some cryptic messages immediately after news broke that Lizzie McGuire’s marriage was dunzo:

But everyone knows that on Twitter, “don’t ask” means “please ask, I have so many thoughts” so most of his followers started tweeting him asking if he was referring to the possibility that Hilary Duff is back on the market. He allegedly responded to one inquisitive follower via DM with what I accidentally mistook for Air Supply lyrics:

Shortly after this, some of Aaron’s Twitter followers started tweeting that Hilary Duff had followed-up her divorce announcement by following Aaron on Twitter, so I went through the list of who she’s following to see if this was true, but I didn’t see Aaron. I’d call Aaron’s followers a bunch of drama-loving dummies, but I’m the one who spent 10 minutes of my life scrolling through Hilary’s following list like Bob Woodward on the cusp of breaking the story of the century, so who’s the real dummy here.

Nobody’s asked what Hilary Duff thinks of all of this, but one can assume she’s at home frantically squeezing into her wedding dress and using flashcards to teach her son Luca about his new ‘Unky Aaron’. I think I smell the next Nicholas Sparks movie; Aaron’s Heart (Come Get It). Hilary could be played by Emma Roberts (or if the budget is tight, Haylie Duff) and Aaron could be played by a janitor’s mop in meth drag.

(Pics via Wenn, Screengrab via OhNoTheyDidn’t)