OK, I got one for you: What’s black and white and red all over? Answer: Babylon! In the trailer for La La Land director Damien Chazelle’s new 1920s-Hollywood-set movie starring Brad Pitt and Margot Robbie, the jazz players are Black, the booger sugar is white and for some reason Damien has decided to film all the party scenes, of which there are many, using the Fangtasia filter originated during the making of True Blood.
Sorry, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” There’s a new contender for the saddest sentence ever written: Tobey Maguire “couldn’t land a girl” while partying with Leonardo DiCaprio. Wow. Is this real life? According to Page Six, it is. Their source claims that Tobey, 46, and Leo, 47, were hanging in the VIP section of the nightclub MainRō in Hollywood on Thursday night, and Leo introduced Tobey to “three different blondes.” But he struck out with all of them. Oh God… what’s next? Brunettes?!
Like many people on Earth (presumably), Spider-Man 2 (2004) is one of my favorite films. I love Kirsten Dunst and her little teefies, Tobey Maguire was a cutie, and, thanks in part to an incredibly explicit sex dream about Alfred Molina, it is my belief that Otto “Doctor Octopus” Octavius is the best movie superhero villain of all time. All-time! So imagine my horny surprise when it was announced that a bunch of old Spider-verse actors are either in talks or confirmed to return for the third Spider-Man film starring Tom Holland. That includes Kirsten, my dream-lover Alfred Molina, plus Andrew Garfield as the second Spider-Man, Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy, and Jamie Foxx as Electro (who?)!
Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer called it quits on their 9-year marriage almost two months ago and one would naturally assume that his triumphant return to the Pussy Posse would last the better part of a year. (I believe the re-initiation process requires at least 6,969 hours of supervised model-banging.) However, it looks like Tobey could possibly be more interested in dating right now.
A source tells Radar that Tobey might be dating Demi Moore. In a very weird turn of events for a Pussy Posse member, Demi Moore is 13 years older than Tobey.
Demi and Tobey were rumored to be dating way back in 2002 before she got with Ashton Kutcher and he got married. The source tells Radar that Demi reached out to Tobey after the news of his split from Jennifer, and that “it didn’t take long for things to heat up.” The source claims Demi and Tobey’s conversation was innocent enough at first, but then she started reminiscing about “the good times” and it snowballed from there.
“Demi is still a sexy, attractive woman, and Tobey is just her type — younger, smart and kind of goofy. She’d like more than a hookup. She’s very lonely these days and looking for someone to share her life with. Who knows where this will go?”
Neither Demi nor Tobey have confirmed they’re doing anything with each other, so this could literally just be some fanfic created by a bored intern at Radar. I like to believe it’s real. Sure, the Pussy Posse handbook states that all boners should be aimed at 20-year-old bikini models, but Demi counts. Some parts of her are in their 20s and she may not technically be a bikini model, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a pro at taking bikini selfies.
“Pussy Posse Alpha” doesn’t just sound like a sorority house on the campus of Hoochie U, it’s also apparently something that Tobey Maguire might become. Tobey Maguire was one of the original member’s of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse (rebranded in recent years as “The Wolf Pack“). Sadly, he had to give up the model-humping lifestyle when he got married and had kids. Last month, Tobey Maguire split from his wife Jennifer Meyer, and of course he slipped right back into the Pussy Posse’s regular routine of partying and pussy-hunting.
As it turns out, Tobey might soon be more than just a member of Leo’s boys club. According to Page Six, Tobey could be THE KING! This is some manwhore Hamlet shit. A source claims that the rest of the posse sees there’s a potential spot open as the alpha douche now that Leo is busy with steady model piece, Nina Agdal. I guess Lukas Haas asked the rest of the Pussy Posse who they think should lead the group, and apparently they want Tobey. The source says, “The Wolf Pack [is] now using Tobey as Leo.” I hope Tobey doesn’t get the boat barfs, because he’s about to spend all his free time on a yacht in the middle of the ocean. Lukas might want to start running motion sickness drills with him right now.
Tobey bought a huge new house last week, and I thought that seemed a little weird for a bachelor pad, but now it all makes sense. Tobey was just settling into his role as the new Leo. He obviously needed some extra room to accommodate the dozens of panty models he’d be bringing home from Paris on the Pussy Posse’s private jet after the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show next week.
Yesterday, Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer announced that they’re done being a couple after 9 years of marriage. In their statement, they said that they came to that decision after doing a lot of “soul searching.” And according to Page Six, Tobey may have also been doing a lot of “hole searching” in the past few months while hitting up the clubs with the Pussy Posse (I still refuse to call them the Wolf Pack). 2016 has been chock-full of weirdness and that includes us gossiping about the adventures of Tobey Maguire’s dick.