Betsey Johnson Brought Ten Tons Of “It” To The CFDA Awards

It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.

Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.

Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.

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Tilda Swinton Isn’t Doing Yellowface In “Doctor Strange,” So Says Tilda Swinton

When Tilda Swinton, the alien refugee who came to this planet on a falling star, was cast as The Ancient One in the Doctor Strange movie starring The Alien Lizard King, many threw balls of shit-filled rage at the filmmakers for whitewashing a Tibetan character. The Ancient One is a Tibetan man in the comic books. I don’t think people thought that Tilda was going to pull some Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s fuckery by playing The Ancient One as a Tibetan man. People were pissed because there’s not many roles for Asians in big-budget Hollywood movies and felt like they should’ve cast an Asian actor instead of a white actress who has no problem getting roles. But everyone can put down their pitchforks, because Tilda Swinton has broken it down for us and cleared everything up.

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Okay, So Here’s Tilda Swinton As A Tibetan Morpheus Or Some Shit

On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, The Alien Lizard King debuted the trailer for the newest movie that will probably bring in seven trillion dollar signs and allow a Marvel executive to say, “Sure, go ahead and get the solid gold bidet that shoots out diamond water,” to their contractor.

Doctor Strange barely finished filming, but the teaser trailer is already out, because I guess Marvel wanted to keep the nerd boners hard after Disney put out the trailer for the latest Star Whores movie. Although, I don’t know if this crap is going to keep you nerds hard, because it’s just, uh…no. If Inception ate up giant servings of The Matrix, washed it down with a glass of Thor 2 and then barfed up all over a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon diorama, the end result would look like this trailer. It’s got Benedict Cumberbatch doing an American accent, some Inception shit, some Matrix shit and Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One. The Ancient One is a Tibetan sorcerer, but if I didn’t know that, I’d guess that Tilda was playing Powder’s real biological mother doing lazy cosplay as the boy from The Last Airbender.

While watching this trailer, you may be wondering why there’s no Asians in it. Um, there’s Asians as the EXTRAS, thankyouverymuch!

Since they insisted on casting Tilda as the Ancient One, they should’ve went all the way. They should’ve Tilda-washed the whole thing by casting her in every single role.

And here’s Tilda graciously bestowing her regal presence upon her loyal subjects while walking through NYC with her young lovah last month.

Pics: Splash

Tilda Swinton Started Her Own School With No Tests Or Exams

Tilda Swinton, the ageless alien who said “Fuck this, I’m not wearing a human suit” after she fell to earth, recently told The Observer (via Page Six) about the high school she started. Yes, Tilda Swinton started a high school, and it’s pretty much as wonderfully bonkers as you’d expect a school started by Tilda Swinton would be.

When Tilda’s twins, Honor and Xavier, turned 14 in 2013, she realized she wasn’t crazy about their options for “upper” schools, because they all had too many tests. That’s when she decided to start her own school called the Drumduan Upper School in Scotland and of course, she sent her kids to it. According to Tilda, there are no tests and no grades, and they learn by doing practical stuff, like cooking onions.

“My children are now 17, and they will go through this school without any tests at any time, so it’s incredibly art-based, practical learning. For example, they learn their science by building a Canadian canoe, or making a knife, or caramelizing onions. And they’re all happy 17-year-olds. I can’t believe it – happy and inspired.”

As a Canadian person, I honestly have no idea what a Canadian canoe is. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s a regular canoe filled with Nanaimo bars and a built-in speaker system that plays Glass Tiger and Mitsou. (Note from Michael: For shame, Allison. For shame!)

To make this school even more Tilda Swinton-y, the head teacher of Drumduan is a man named Krzysztof Zajaczkowski whom the students call “Krzys” (like Chris). Krzys used to be a roadie for the Sex Pistols and lives in a trailer in the woods. If Jaden Smith did school, he’d be begging his parents to sent him to Drumduan.

When I was a kid, I wanted to go to one of those crazy no tests/no classes/do whatever you want type of schools, because the thought of taking a math test used to give me the nervous shits. But knowing how nervous I am, teenage Allison would have probably gotten the shits at Tilda’s school too. “Do you use a pan or a pot to caramelize onions? What do you mean there’s no wrong way to do it? Uh…can I get a bathroom pass?“

Scarlett Johansson Introduced Everyone To Her “Husband” At The Gotham Awards Last Night

Awww, it’s always a special relationship moment when you go from “secret husband” to “not-so-secret husband”. Take it all in, Romaine Dauriac! Last night, Scarlett Johansson attended the Gotham Independent Film Awards in NYC, and she brought her brand-new no-longer-secret secret fancy French husband Romaine Lettuce. People says that for the first time since they got secret hitched, ScarJo was introducing him as her “my husband”, as opposed to “the French dude who barebacked a bébé into me”, which is what I assume she used to introduce him as.

In case you’re anything like me (don’t ever admit that out loud, for your sake), I’m sure you’ve been dyyying to know more about ScarJo and Romaine Lettuce’s secret wedding. Thankfully, ScarJo hangs around with some Level-8 blabbermouths who have been spilling the details. According to People, ScarJo and Lettuce tied the knot on October 1st in Philipsburg, Montana. I don’t know anything about Philipsburg, but from what I can tell on Google Maps, it’s about a 2 hour drive to the closest Taco Bell (and really, that’s all I need to know).

But back to the Gotham Awards. ScarJo was nominated for Best Actress for Under the Skin, but lost out to Julianne Moore for Still Alice. Other winners included Original Recipe Batman Michael Keaton for Birdman, and Tilda Swinton, who got some kind of lifetime alien human tribute award for being Tilda Swinton, I guess.

Here’s more of ScarJo at the Gothies working some greasy teenage dirtbag boy hair, for some reason, as well as Jon Hamm looking foiiiiine as hell (“DUH!” screamed everyone with a working pair of eyes), Jakey G, and Uma Thurman looking like a fancy upper-class witch:

Pics: Splash

Like A Flaming Golden Unicorn Sent From The Heavens

Don’t be worried about that tingly moistness you feel in your nipple area. You just secreted gold glitter from seeing Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston together in one place. It happens to everyone. Tilda and Tom posed with Jim Jarmusch (looking like a silver Wolverine) and John Hurt at the premiere of Only Lovers Left Alive at Cannes.

In that shit, Tom and Tilda play two vampires, Adam and Eve, who have been in love for centuries. Just picturing Tom and Tilda making vampire love together made you secrete more gold glitter, right? I bet their sex scenes look like two pink albino lizards gnawing at each other while lying on a pile of swan feathers.

And I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I wish I did just so I could light a Virginia Slim on the white flame on Tilda’s head.