Category: Princess Charlene

Princess Charlene Is Currently In A Treatment Facility And Prince Albert Says That Nothing Suspicious Is Going On

November 19, 2021 / Posted by:

After a long six-month absence from her kids and husband, Prince Albert, Princess Charlene finally returned to Monaco from an extended stay in South Africa earlier this month. And before Charlene could unpack her bags or recoil at the thought of kissing her husband hello, she was right back out again. Charlene returned home on November 8th, and she was supposed to appear at Monaco’s National Day festivities today, but she pulled out three days before, citing health issues. Now Prince Albert is confirming that Princess Charlene is currently in a treatment facility to deal with exhaustion, and nothing more than that, okay? She doesn’t secretly have COVID or is trying to get away from her husband (to be fair, no one would accuse that last one of being much of a secret).

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Prince Albert Of Monaco Has Been Hit With Another Paternity Suit, Claiming That He Fathered A Child In 2005

December 20, 2020 / Posted by:

Before Princess Charlene of Monaco cried out tears of WHY ME? on her wedding day, she was an Olympic swimmer. But well, it looks like the real swimmer in the family is her husband Prince Albert of Monaco’s jizz fish, because it’s been claimed that they struck once again. Maury Povich better get his ass to Italy and learn how to say “You are NOT the father” and “You ARE the father” in Italian because one woman claims that she birthed out Prince Albert’s child in 2005 and she’s hit him with a paternity suit.

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Prince Albert Has Tested Positive For Coronavirus

March 19, 2020 / Posted by:

Karl von Habsburg, the Archduke of Austria, was the first royal to tell everyone that he caught coronavirus. Now Prince Albert II of Monaco has announced that he has also tested positive for corona, making him the first head of state to get it (THAT WE KNOW OF). Even the pristine blue blood of a royal is no match for corona. QUICK! Quarantine Prince Hot Ginge in a place where not even disgusting germs will dare to go! Yes, I’m talking about my bedroom.

The palace of Monaco announced today that 62-year-old Prince Pierced Peen tested positive for corona and is currently in self-isolation and is being treated.

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Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle Did Not Make Their Public Debut This Past Weekend

November 14, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh Photoshop, my dear old friend, you and I will probably have some inappropriate fun with that pic today.

Meghan Markle was visiting her royal man Prince Hot Ginge at Kensington Palace in London last week, and so some thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d cause us hard-up Harry Whores to break the ear drums of dogs with our high-pitched wails of pain by going public. The media thought that PHG and Future Princess Meghan was going to make their official debut at a rugby game at Twickenham Stadium in London on Saturday. But sitting next to PHG during the match between England and South Africa was Princess Charlene of Monaco, who looked like a discount Caroline Herrera impersonator (and that’s a compliment).

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The Baby Prince And Princess Of Monaco Showed Up All The Other Royal Babies By Wearing Dior To Their Christening

May 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Somewhere in England, Baby Prince George has stopped beating his nanny in the head with one of his toys to “pfft” at this headline, because those white Dior baby dresses have nothing on his legendary heirloom christening gown that I’m sure Kanye West had duplicated in black leather for North West’s christening.

While looking like two tiny babies getting eaten up by two white duvet covers, Princess Gabriella Thérése Marie and the future king of Monaco Prince Jacques Honoré Rainier were christened at the Cathedral de Monaco today. I’m not sure which is which. I’m guessing Gabrielle is the royal baby on the right, because she still looks pissed about not being the heir to throne just because she wasn’t born with boy parts. That means that Jacques may be the baby on the left who looks like he’s farting into his douche daddy’s hands and is pleased about it.

People says that over 700 guests (not including Prince Albert’s other children Chopped and Liver Grimaldi) watched as the fancy royal twins were baptized. Apparently, Princess Charlene planned the opulent ass christening ceremony and worked with Baby Dior on her twins’ fancy white cotton and lace gowns. Since Princess Charlene planned the ceremony, I’m surprised she didn’t end the ceremony by getting into a canon with her babies and screaming, “Au revoir, bitches,” before being shot over the ocean all the way to her native South Africa, far, far away from her warden husband.

No, truthfully, Princess Charlene has been looking kind of happy lately. So either Prince Pierced Peen finally paid Scientology’s scientists to have Princess Charlene’s brain implanted with the same happy chip that was implanted into Katie Holmes’ brain or she’s always smiling because her husband finally did her right by keeping her cell stocked with the good shit.

Pics: AP, Splash,

Presenting The Royal Twins Of Monaco

December 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Princess Charlene is my family members, because after spending two whole days with me for Christmas, they’ll have the same exhausted “forcing a fake smile to hide how over it I am” look on their faces.

That baby prince in blue is me, because after spending two whole days with my family, I’ll be as stoned as he looks in that picture.

And no, I can’t with Prince Albert matching the tree.

Two weeks ago, Princess Charlene did the Carlton Dance of victory when she birthed out twins, because she fulfilled her job requirement, had two babies and no longer has to get shot up with a turkey baster full of Prince Albert’s man chowder. Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Peen released the first pictures of their newborn twins, Princess Gabrielle and the future king Prince Jacques, and she looks like she’s going through it. And Hayden Pantyairs thinks she’s turned out, put out and in a constant state of confusion? Look at Princess Charlene. But I guess all of us would look that exhausted too if twins were pulled out of our body and we couldn’t even piss without a royal guard escorting us to the toilet because the royal family is afraid we’ll pull some Not Without My Daughter shit by smuggling our children out of the country.

Prince Pierced Peen tells Paris Match (via People) that he was in the delivery room during the birth of his third and fourth child:

“I was present in the operating room and assisted at their birth. I helped my wife as I could – that’s to say, by my presence. It was wonderful. I don’t have the words to describe how it felt then or the deep joy I feel now. Having children – and twins at that – is an extraordinary experience. It’s unique. And it’s a challenge for us as parents.”

That’s one way of saying, “I was in a hotel room miles away snorting blow off of a call girl’s cooch lips, but I checked in through Skype once.

No, they are one big, happy royal family. Just look at Princess Charlene’s smile!


The twins will officially be presented to the people of Monaco (yes, that’s a thing that happens today in real-life) on January 7th. I can’t wait to see if they’re going to show Baby Prince George up in the lace gown game. If you want to see more pictures of these newborns looking like newborns, click here and here.

Pics: Paris Match/Getty

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