Karl von Habsburg, the Archduke of Austria, was the first royal to tell everyone that he caught coronavirus. Now Prince Albert II of Monaco has announced that he has also tested positive for corona, making him the first head of state to get it (THAT WE KNOW OF). Even the pristine blue blood of a royal is no match for corona. QUICK! Quarantine Prince Hot Ginge in a place where not even disgusting germs will dare to go! Yes, I’m talking about my bedroom.
The palace of Monaco announced today that 62-year-old Prince Pierced Peen tested positive for corona and is currently in self-isolation and is being treated.
Oh Photoshop, my dear old friend, you and I will probably have some inappropriate fun with that pic today.
Meghan Markle was visiting her royal man Prince Hot Ginge at Kensington Palace in London last week, and so some thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d cause us hard-up Harry Whores to break the ear drums of dogs with our high-pitched wails of pain by going public. The media thought that PHG and Future Princess Meghan was going to make their official debut at a rugby game at Twickenham Stadium in London on Saturday. But sitting next to PHG during the match between England and South Africa was Princess Charlene of Monaco, who looked like a discount Caroline Herrera impersonator (and that’s a compliment).
The Baby Prince And Princess Of Monaco Showed Up All The Other Royal Babies By Wearing Dior To Their Christening
Somewhere in England, Baby Prince George has stopped beating his nanny in the head with one of his toys to “pfft” at this headline, because those white Dior baby dresses have nothing on his legendary heirloom christening gown that I’m sure Kanye West had duplicated in black leather for North West’s christening.
While looking like two tiny babies getting eaten up by two white duvet covers, Princess Gabriella Thérése Marie and the future king of Monaco Prince Jacques Honoré Rainier were christened at the Cathedral de Monaco today. I’m not sure which is which. I’m guessing Gabrielle is the royal baby on the right, because she still looks pissed about not being the heir to throne just because she wasn’t born with boy parts. That means that Jacques may be the baby on the left who looks like he’s farting into his douche daddy’s hands and is pleased about it.
People says that over 700 guests (not including Prince Albert’s other children Chopped and Liver Grimaldi) watched as the fancy royal twins were baptized. Apparently, Princess Charlene planned the opulent ass christening ceremony and worked with Baby Dior on her twins’ fancy white cotton and lace gowns. Since Princess Charlene planned the ceremony, I’m surprised she didn’t end the ceremony by getting into a canon with her babies and screaming, “Au revoir, bitches,” before being shot over the ocean all the way to her native South Africa, far, far away from her warden husband.
No, truthfully, Princess Charlene has been looking kind of happy lately. So either Prince Pierced Peen finally paid Scientology’s scientists to have Princess Charlene’s brain implanted with the same happy chip that was implanted into Katie Holmes’ brain or she’s always smiling because her husband finally did her right by keeping her cell stocked with the good shit.
Princess Charlene is my family members, because after spending two whole days with me for Christmas, they’ll have the same exhausted “forcing a fake smile to hide how over it I am” look on their faces.
That baby prince in blue is me, because after spending two whole days with my family, I’ll be as stoned as he looks in that picture.
And no, I can’t with Prince Albert matching the tree.
Two weeks ago, Princess Charlene did the Carlton Dance of victory when she birthed out twins, because she fulfilled her job requirement, had two babies and no longer has to get shot up with a turkey baster full of Prince Albert’s man chowder. Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Peen released the first pictures of their newborn twins, Princess Gabrielle and the future king Prince Jacques, and she looks like she’s going through it. And Hayden Pantyairs thinks she’s turned out, put out and in a constant state of confusion? Look at Princess Charlene. But I guess all of us would look that exhausted too if twins were pulled out of our body and we couldn’t even piss without a royal guard escorting us to the toilet because the royal family is afraid we’ll pull some Not Without My Daughter shit by smuggling our children out of the country.
“I was present in the operating room and assisted at their birth. I helped my wife as I could – that’s to say, by my presence. It was wonderful. I don’t have the words to describe how it felt then or the deep joy I feel now. Having children – and twins at that – is an extraordinary experience. It’s unique. And it’s a challenge for us as parents.”
That’s one way of saying, “I was in a hotel room miles away snorting blow off of a call girl’s cooch lips, but I checked in through Skype once.”
No, they are one big, happy royal family. Just look at Princess Charlene’s smile!
The twins will officially be presented to the people of Monaco (yes, that’s a thing that happens today in real-life) on January 7th. I can’t wait to see if they’re going to show Baby Prince George up in the lace gown game. If you want to see more pictures of these newborns looking like newborns, click here and here.
Pics: Paris Match/Getty
That double “Ugh, I don’t even want to look at him/her” side-eye is the visual definition of a loving and healthy marriage!
The Royal Palace of Monaco released a statement today saying that 36-year-old Princess Charlene and 56-year-old Prince Pierced Peen are now parents to a boy and a girl. One of life’s important rules is that if you give birth to a twin girl and a twin boy you must name them Brenda and Brandon. Prison Princess and Prince Pierced Peen broke that rule of life by naming their girl Gabriella Thérèse Marie and their boy Jacques Honoré Rainier.
Prince Albert has two other kids (that we know of), but since he made those kids with women he wasn’t married to, they have no claim to the throne. They’re the lucky ones if you ask me. When you’re in direct line to the throne, you’re expected to have a royal stick up your ass and you have to act prim and proper all the time. Only crazies want that. When you’re not in line to the throne, you can be an out and proud mess and get your booze money by selling stories about your relatives to the tabloids. That is the life. But then again, being in direct line to the throne didn’t stop Prince Albert from being a trashy mess.
The girl twin, who has been given the title of Countess of Carladès, was born first at 5:04pm. The boy twin, who has been given the title of Marquis of Baux, was born second at 5:06pm. Even though Gabriella won the race out of the womb, she’s not first in line for succession. Jaques will be the future ruler of Monaco, because the country hasn’t changed their “boys rule, girls drool” law yet.
The palace squeezed out this highly detailed and lengthy statement:
“It is with immense joy that TT.SS.HH the Prince and Princess of Monaco have the great pleasure to announce the birth of their children.”
Congratulations to Princess Charlene! It’s one of the happiest days of her life. Her job is done! Not only did she birth out twins, but now she doesn’t have to get turkey basted anymore and she doesn’t have to let Prince Albert lay his naked, slimy blobfish body on hers anymore. If you’re in Monaco, you should hold onto something sturdy, because Princess Charlene will bust out a genuine smile for the first time in years and it will make the earth shake.
In that picture, I don’t know if Princess Charlene is suffering through the morning pregnant barfs or if she’s thinking about the moment that Prince Albert’s naked, greasy, coke sweats-covered bloated body busted nuts all up into her baby making parts. Definitely the latter.
Princess Charlene’s ovaries are finally breathing out ten sighs of relief, because after of years of being pressured to successfully catch one of Prince Albert’s sperm fish, they finally did it. The Royal Family of Monaco announced today that Prison Princess has got the future king or queen of Monaco in her womb. Now she’ll forever be bonded to the balding captor she’s obviously grossed out by. She’s totally living the fairy tale dream! Here’s the short statement from the royal palace:
“Prince Albert and Princess Charlene have the immense joy to announce they are expecting a happy event. The birth is due at the end of the year.”
I’m not sure I’d use the words “immense joy” to describe Princess Charlene bawling into her pink satin pillow in her locked bedchamber, but whatever.
Oh, I’m just being melodramatic as always. I’m sure Princess Charlene is “happy-ish,” because: a) She used a turkey baster since Prince Albert was off doing more important things and by that I mean doing call girls and; b) Right after she births out the heir to the throne, she plans to drug a nurse, steal the nurse’s uniform and passport and flee the country.
Congratulations to the happy-esque couple!
Here’s Princess Charlene looking absolutely thrilled as always with Prince Pierced Peen at the Monaco Grand Prix and Gala.