Category: My Ears Hate Your Ass

Open Post: Hosted By The Man Who Lost His Shit When A Squirrel Dropped In On His Conference Call

September 28, 2022 / Posted by:

I’d venture to guess that everyone has made an excuse to get off of a call at some point in their lives. Your mileage may vary when it comes to how believable said excuse was, but if you’re the guy whose wife posted a TikTok of him losing his ever-loving shit when a squirrel made its way into his home office while he was on a conference call, no need to worry about proving you had a reason for stepping away from the phone. The whole internet now knows.

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Evan Rachel Wood Flips Off Marilyn Manson After He Made An Appearance At Kanye West’s Listening Event

August 31, 2021 / Posted by:

The rollout for the release of Kanye West’s tenth studio album Donda was messier and longer than the diarrhea stream a Kardashian lets out after her bi-weekly CoolSculpting session. But I guess all those eye roll-worthy stunts that Kanye pulled paid off because Donda set new records on Apple Music including hitting #1 in 152 countries and racking up 60 million streams in the U.S. in 24 hours. Well, it’s totally safe to say that zero of those streams came from Evan Rachel Wood who gave a concise review of Kanye putting a spotlight on her alleged abuser, Marilyn Manson. It’s also safe to say that a huge chunk of those streams came from Soulja Boy listening to the album over and over again to make sure that Kanye really cut him from it. And at least one stream came from Kim Kardashian who listened to it with the volume all the way down. “Us too,” said everyone.

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The Internet Roasted Chaka Khan For Her National Anthem Performance

February 17, 2020 / Posted by:

Almost two years ago, to the DAY, Fergie took an artistic risk on a little song called the Star-Spangled Banner, and America had no choice but to fall to their knees. No, they weren’t protesting. They were worshipping. Because they knew Fergie’s warbling, Ambien-induced, Twins Peaks-inspired ode to Lana Del Ray’s SNL performance had officially changed the anthem game forever. Case in point, living Chaka Khan’s performance. 

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If Fergie Was Going For “Extra Horny Jessica Simpson After Hardcore Dental Surgery,” She Nailed It!

February 19, 2018 / Posted by:

The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.

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Taylor Swift And Zayn Teamed Up On A Song For “Fifty Shades Darker” And That Makes Total Sense

December 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.

Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!

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Britney Spears’ Vocal Tribute To The Chipettes Is Spot-On

August 4, 2016 / Posted by:

Britney Spears’ 9th studio album Glory, which sadly isn’t a bubble gum pop interpretation of the movie starring Denzel Washington, is out August 26th and yesterday, she kept her fans busy. Some of her fans have been busy screaming at her label to change the damn cover of her album, which is very “off-brand Kim Zolciak Barbie doll on the cover of a new-age country album.” Other fans have been busy wondering how they should process one of the songs off of her album called “Private Show.”

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