Category: My Ears Hate Your Ass

If Fergie Was Going For “Extra Horny Jessica Simpson After Hardcore Dental Surgery,” She Nailed It!

February 19, 2018 / Posted by:

The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.

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Taylor Swift And Zayn Teamed Up On A Song For “Fifty Shades Darker” And That Makes Total Sense

December 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.

Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!

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Britney Spears’ Vocal Tribute To The Chipettes Is Spot-On

August 4, 2016 / Posted by:

Britney Spears’ 9th studio album Glory, which sadly isn’t a bubble gum pop interpretation of the movie starring Denzel Washington, is out August 26th and yesterday, she kept her fans busy. Some of her fans have been busy screaming at her label to change the damn cover of her album, which is very “off-brand Kim Zolciak Barbie doll on the cover of a new-age country album.” Other fans have been busy wondering how they should process one of the songs off of her album called “Private Show.”

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Fall Out Boy’s “Ghostbusters” Theme Song Is Out, And Yeah….

June 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Some cry baby dudes hated the Ghostbusters reboot as soon as it was announced because they felt like their childhoods were being ruined by cooch! And some people (including Melissa McCarthy) hated the Ghostbusters trailer for being awful. I never really got on the Ghostbusters hate train…until I pressed play on Fall Out Boy and Missy Elliott’s cover of the Ghostbusters theme song. You may not be afraid of no ghosts, but you should be very, very afraid of this wreck.

If Slimer ate a blended shake made from black Manic Panic dye, rusty nails, bottom lashes that have been stained with Urban Decay eyeliner and a pair of over-worn checkerboard Vans (with anarchy symbols drawn onto the soles with a Sharpie), and he waited until it digested before shitting into your ears, it would probably feel a lot like listening to Fall Out Boy’s version of the Ghostbusters theme song. I don’t even know why the Ghostbusters need proton guns to get rid of the bad ghosts. All they need to do is blast this song, and everything including dogs, cats, roaches, rats, ants and ghosts will vacate that bitch immediately. If you don’t believe me, drive down my street and you’ll see my dog hitchhiking while holding a sack on a stick in his mouth. He puts up with a lot of crap, but he drew the line at me listening to this mess 4 times this morning:

Well, the good news is that at least Ray Parker Jr. (and maybe Huey Lewis) got a check out of this.

Pic: Alternative Press

Well, That Happened: Madge Paid Tribute To Prince

May 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Since current day Madge lives for giving the public several servings of her nalgitas, I was secretly hoping that her Prince tribute at tonight’s Billboard Music Awards would be nothing but her dancing to “Get Off” in his legendary ass-less yellow ensemble as Diamond and Pearl dropped it low around her. But instead of doing that, Madge decided to shove her live vocals into our ear drums while doing a 2am karaoke version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and “Purple Rain.

The good news is that Stevie Wonder helped Madge out and she dressed like a pimp-fied Liberace going to a gay child’s christening in the springtime (and that IS the look). The bad news is that she didn’t take a page out of Brit Brit’s performing live handbook by lip-synching.

I’m surprised that Prince didn’t drop down from heaven, snatch the mic out of Madge’s hand and just do it himself.

Kevin Federline Has Made His Triumphant Return To Rap, And His Face Says Everything About That

April 7, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s been over 10 long years since rap master Kevin Federline sharted out “PopoZão” and taught us that it’s possible to caca through our ear holes. The saying “genius takes time” is true and this newest work of art proves it. It took the Mozart of rap a decade to release a song that’ll make you wish Tampax made tiny tampons for your ears. Listening to it won’t cause you to caca through your ear holes, but you will bleed.

Throw on your Von Dutch trucker hat, pop your collar and put your Motorola Razr on mute, because TMZ has taken us all the way back to 2005 by posting KFed’s new video “Hollywood,” which also stars Andy Dick and Aaron Carter’s flow coach Crichy Crinch, whose claim to fame is getting Tara Reid’s name tattooed onto his arm. This mess is so 2005 that it’s practically a Four Loko stain on a pink UGG.

But KFed did manage to bring it to the NOW thanks to a scene where a fourth-tier Amber Rose impersonator (who looks more like a third-tier Susan Powter impersonator) and a fifth-tier Kanye West impersonator (who looks more like a fourth-tier Ray-J impersonator) get into some #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch action. The Amber/Kanye scene is pretty disappointing, because I doubt the booty hole Jesus uses drugstore lube like a normal peon. Kanye’s b-hole is probably self-lubricating, and not only that, but KFed missed an opportunity to make a “PooPooOw” joke.

There’s also a bootleg Leonardo DiCaprio impersonator in this for some reason. Brit Brit Spears must’ve cut KFed’s child support payments, because it’s obvious that everybody involved in this worked for dusty copies of Playing With Fire.

Believe it or not, the most painful part of that video isn’t the song or the sight of Andy Dick getting off while wiping his asshole with KFed’s CD. What’s really painful is that I still look at KFed and think to myself that I’d totally let him PopoZão me. No, I don’t love myself.

And here’s KFed looking like STAINS‘ strung out second cousin at Crazy Horse III in Las Vegas last December.


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