Kate Winslet Worshipped At The Altar Of Susan Sarandon’s Tits Last Night

I find myself staring at Susan Sarandon’s tits in that picture too and mainly because every time I look up, I see Michael Shannon throwing a creepy grin like, “Don’t tell your mother,” and it makes me want to scream for an adult.

Go ahead and file “Touching Susan Sarandon’s 69-Year-Old Chichis In Front Of A Camera At The SAG Awards” under shit that Kate Winslet doesn’t think is vulgar. I bet that this morning, the muscles in Kate Winslet’s neck are sorer than Kanye’s asshole after spending a few hours alone with a finger vibrator, because she strained every single one of them while resisting the urge to get into those titties and motorboat until her face got chapped.

Susan wanted to bring no sags to the SAGS so she put her chichis into a freakum granny bra from Frederick’s and walked the red carpet with her daughter who also brought the titty game. Forget wasting your money on that breast enlargement cream, Susan proves that what really makes your tits plump and luscious for a long time is some ping-pong boytoy jizz.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

Idris Elba Won The Screen Actors Guild Awards, Twitter Responds With #SAGsSoBlack

(Note from Michael: Yes, I’ve already done some things to that pic in Photoshop.)

Take notes, Academy Awards. Unlike you, the Screen Actors Guild Awards was very, er, diverse last night #SAGsSoBlack. The winners included Black actresses such as Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba and Queen Latifah who won statues for their performances in TV shows or movies, prompting Twitter to respond in appreciation with the hashtag, #SAGsSoBlack. Idris Elba made history during Saturday night’s show for his record breaking win for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries for his starring role in Luther, and for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role, in Beasts of No Nation. He’s the first male Brit to walk away with two statues on the same night. Helen Mirren was the first female Brit to do the same.

The hot piece of British ass was dapper, unlike some other Brits (I’m looking at you, Daisy Lowe) and thanked everyone. He literally spends 47 seconds thanking everyone he’s ever met in his life. Take it away, Mr. Elba.

If you’re too lazy to press play, read Idris’ thank you speech below.

“I remember getting my SAG card from [the TV show] Law and Order; that was 20 years ago so thank you for that, man.

Cary Fukunaga you are a G for making this movie. You toyed around with this script for seven years and I’m thankful to take this award on your behalf.

Ted-something from Netflix, well done for your belief, bro.

We made a film about real people and real lives. And to be awarded for it is very special because a lot of people were damaged through that. So thank you for giving this film light, respect, love.”

Idris also got really reflective and gave his two cents on the #OscarsSoWhite controversy and shared:

“Welcome to diverse TV.”

Take that, take that #OscarsSoWhite for snubbing Idris for a Best Supporting Actor nod for Beast of No Nation. Did you really think the Universe wouldn’t find some other way to make amends?

Pics: WENN.com

Carol Burnett Won The SAG Awards In More Ways Than One

Carol Burnett is a Hollywood legend, a Hall of Fame ginger and a treasured jewel who as far as I know hasn’t said any kind of eye roll-worthy shit in public (cut to someone e-mailing me an article from a few years ago of Carol Burnett committing a major sin by saying that In-N-Out tastes like old dog balls). So Carol already won the SAG Awards last night just by showing up but she really won when she accessorized her Bob Mackie pantsuit dress thing with slippers.

I don’t even care that those slippers are UGGs and we all know that UGGs are the devil’s creation. UGG slippers are basically CROCs in a fur coat made from Lucifer’s ass hairs. But if Carol Burnett wants to wear evil Ninth Circle oven mitt slippers, she can! If my own abuelita ever showed up to a party wearing UGG slippers I would definitely judge her with my eyes, but I wouldn’t say shit, because the only thing worse than getting slapped in the mouth with a chancleta is getting slapped in the mouth with an UGG slipper.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler presented Carol with one of those happy serial killer-faced Lifetime Achievement SAG Awards last night. Sadly, Carol changed out of her puffy Satanic slippers and into a pair of sensible Easy Spirit pumps before accepting her award on stage.

Carol should’ve kept them on and made the tricks in the room kiss her ugly UGG slippers like the way Leonardo DiCatchAHo kissed the Pope’s ring.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

The SAG Noms Are Here: Nicole Kidman Finally Gets Recognized For Her Riveting Performance As Grace Kelly!

When the Emmy nominations were announced a few months ago, us devotees of television art nearly rioted in the streets of Hollywood when those not-knowing bitches shut out Nicole Kidman and failed to give her the nom she deserved for the direct-to-Lifetime classic Grace of Monaco. But leave it to the SAG Awards to honor Nicole Kidman for making the controversial acting decision to play Grace Kelly a Botoxed icicle.

Anna Faris and Anthony Mackie announced the nominations for the 2016 SAG Awards, which are given to actors only. Besides Nicole Kidman and Rami Malek, the TV nominations were pretty much the same old, same old and not really surprising. The list reads like it was copy and pasted from 2013’s list. Empire, The Affair, Fargo, The Leftovers, The Americans, American Crime and my favorite Getting On got a whole lot of nothing. As for the movie nominations, they were a mess.

I saw Spotlight and thought that Rachel McAdams was the most forgettable in that shit and was sort of just there. Spotlight got a nomination for Best Ensemble, but Rachel McAdams was the only one of them who got singled out. If Jennifer Lawrence released a 10-second iPhone video of her busting a fart, she’d probably get nominated for every award. But the SAG Awards didn’t give her dick for Joy, the movie that isn’t a Joy Mangano biopic even though her ass plays Joy Mangano. I fully expect the police to arrest every SAG member who didn’t put Jennifer Lawrence’s name down on their nominations form, because not nominating her is against the law.

The SAGs also left out Will Smith for Concussion, Matt Damon for The Martian, Sylvester Stallone for Creed and Layla Grant from Nashville for Jem and the Holograms. They did wet burp up some surprises like Sarah Silverman, the little boy from Room and Helen Mirren. Somebody’s going to need to hand Helen Mirren a 4-ply paper towel, because I’m sure her ass is covered with the saliva that SAG left on it after french kissing it. Helen Mirren got a nom for Woman in Gold (???) and Trumbo (????). They probably gave Helen Mirren so much love, because they really, really want her to grace their awards show with her exquisite Lucite heels. That must be it.

All of the nominations are after the cut:

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Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit

At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.

For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.

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