So, Zach Galifianakis Doesn’t Really Look Like Zach Galifianakis Anymore…

And yet, I still would. I would have back when he looked like a feral hamster, and I would now. Hell, I would even if he was dressed as The Snuggler, but I think that says more about me than I should admit out loud, so I’ll stop.

Zach Galifianakis must have gotten cursed out by an evil gypsy woman or something, because he showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like an emaciated chicken nugget. And everyone was like “who dis?“, because Zach Galifianakis doesn’t really look like Zach Galifianakis anymore. He looks more like a blond Joaquin Phoenix. It’s like The Curious Case of Jonah Hill Galifianakis – all eyes and neck.

As much as I want to believe some old lady pulled a Thinner on his ass, Zach’s weight loss is probably just the result of quitting booze. Zach told Conan O’Brien back in May 2013 that he quit drinking and lost some weight, so I guess he’s still not drinking. According to UsWeekly, a source close to Zach says he’s “continuing to stay healthy. People are really proud of him.” That’s all well and good, but did he have to get rid of that sexy beard too? Maybe the beard started missing booze too much and was like “Fuck this, I’m going to go live on Andrew Garfield’s face.”

Zach didn’t walk the red carpet, but here’s more handsome tuxedoed hos from the SAG Awards last night, including Adrien Brody, BILF (Beetlejuice I’d like to…you get the idea) Michael Keaton, and the Texas T-Rex looking like the maître d of a fancy topless surf n’ turf restaurant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Amal Clooney, Take Note: This Is How You Wear Gloves On The Red Carpet

Actually, all stylists should take the note. The next time the trick they’re dressing asks, “What about gloves? Like Amal Clooney?” That stylist needs to ask to see a government-issued ID and if the name on that ID doesn’t say “Dame Joan Henrietta Collins” the answer is an all-caps, bolded FUCK NO! A law should be passed stating that only Dame Joan Collins is allowed to wear a pair of gloves on the red carpet, because she’s the only goddess who has the charisma, confidence and know how to pull that look off.

This morning, I scanned the Best Dressed of the SAG Awards lists and right after I did that, I Googled “contact information for the Deputy Sheriff of the Intrawebs Police,” because I need to report the authors of every one of those lists. Those lists should be deleted and erased from the Internet because none of them named Dame Joan as thee best-dressed of the night. That is illegal!

Dame Joan Collins sashayed onto the red carpet of the SAG Awards last night looking like pure perfection from that luscious wig perfectly perched on her head to her sensible heels. She looked like she was dressed for a funeral, which is pretty fitting. Because every time she struts into a room, homely peasants choke on her beauty and glamour before falling back into a coffin.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sorry Awards Show Writers, But Julia Roberts Says Whatever Julia Roberts Wants To Say

Because the batteries died in my remote control and I was too lazy to get up and change the channel (lazy/drunk, same thing), I watched the SAG Awards last night. Yes, instead of the Miss Universe pageant; don’t worry, my brain is still cursing me out for it. Except for the part where legendary no-fucks-given type Julia Roberts gave no fucks and verbally jerked off Mark Ruffalo during the presentation of an award he wasn’t even nominated for. At that point, my brain was like “Okay, you’re off the hook for now…”

Pretty Woman was there to announce the winner of the award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role (which eventually went to adorable freckled elf Eddie Redmayne), but before she announced anything, she said this:

“Good evening. They had a wordy little tongue twister for me to start with about how fabulous actors are, but instead, I just want to say, Mark Ruffalo is one outstanding actor. I am so absolutely tickled to my toes that he won tonight. He wasn’t here. Waiting for that Nor’easter.”

Mark Ruffalo had just won the SAG award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Miniseries or Television Movie for The Normal Heart, but couldn’t be there to accept his award because he was too busy being a major hunk at home or something. NO! He had to work. And Julia wasn’t being a spotlight-yanking bitch, she was just excited for her friend. A friend who could make anybody swoon to the moon, so I give her a pass.

But that Julia Roberts is definitely my favorite kind of Julia Roberts. The one that’s like “Yes, I know you stayed up till 3am sitting on a busted chair in a dank writers room thinking of something clever for me to read off the teleprompter, but Julia Roberts does what Julia Roberts wants” before lowering a pair of black sunglasses over her eyes like the Deal With It dog. Case in point, Julia Roberts wearing a sexy tuxedo jumpsuit onesie to the SAG Awards:

Pics: Wenn.com

One Step Closer To OSCUH: Jennifer Aniston Gets A SAG Nomination

Jennifer Aniston’s house boy Justin Theroux better add an extra tequila shot to her morning Tequila Sunrise and quickly make a bunch of congratulations cards from her Cabbage Patch Dolls, because there’s some celebrating to do. Jennifer Aniston’s hustling for Oscar game is paying off. The 21st SAG Award nominations were announced today and Jennifer Aniston got one for Cake (aka The One Where Rachel Is Sad And Doesn’t Wear Makeup).

Kaley Cuoco just called her agent this morning and screamed at them to get her a movie role where she can go SANS FARDS and wear rubber scars on her face, because if Jennifer Aniston can get a SAG nom for Best Actress so can she. Aniston was nominated along with Felicity Jones (The Theory of Everything), the perfect Julianne Moore (Still Alice), Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) and Laura Jeanne Poon (Wild). Some think that Jessica Chastain (A Most Violent Year) and Marion Cotillard (Two Days, One Night) were ROBBED. The Golden Globe nominations are coming out tomorrow and Aniston’s name could show up in there too. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Oscar hos nominated her for Best Actress and also nominated St. Angie Jolie for Maleficent just so they can milk the shit out of Aniston vs. Jolie round 2. I hope that my new favorite Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin takes a break from eating his breakfast of kitten heads in a bowl to buy a full page ad in Variety where he’ll congratulate Aniston for her nomination. His quote will read: “Jennifer Aniston Is A Maximumly Talented Down-To-Earth Angel.”

The rest of the nominations are after the cut. Naomi Watts got one for St. Vincent for some reason and so did Meryl Streep because she’s Meryl Streep.

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Behold! A Time-Traveler From The Summer of 2012!

It feels like just yesterday that every girl under 30 was locking themselves in the bathroom with their boyfriend’s ball hair trimmer, listening to Call Me Maybe on repeat as they haphazardly shaved off half their hair (and immediately regretting their decision once they realized they look like Dr. Kimberly Shaw from Melrose Place). Apparently Game of Thrones actress Natalie Dormer didn’t get the memo that shaved heads died last year alongside #YOLO, because she showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like a bad-attitude suburban preteen-bot from Blade Runner. And that says nothing of the stapled-on ‘sleeves’ on her dress; that’s the kind of shit you do when you’re a dumb 17-year-old going to art school prom. “OMG I’m going to spray paint the bag these clementines came in and glue them to my dress because YOU CAN’T SILENCE MY CREATIVITY!!”

Here’s more of Natalie Dormer being as bad as she wanna be while looking like the poor man’s Miley (and that’s already the poor man’s everything) along with hot oldies Rita Moreno (who won a Lifetime Achievement Award) Helen Mirren (who won for Phil Spector) and Emma Thompson, Jennifer Lawrence – who I promise I won’t say anything mean about (even though those damn faces she’s making are begging me to), Our Lady of Bow Down, Bitches Lupita Nyong’o, Kaley Glen Coco (wearing her backup wedding dress), Julia Roberts IN A PANTSUIT, those Modern Family hos, OPRAH, Mimi (who was ROBBED of a Razzie nomination for her performance in Lee Daniel’s The Butler) and many more! Because – for real – they invite anyone who’s ever been near a television or an AMC theatre to the SAG Awards (I’m looking at you, Pauley Perrette).

(Pics via Splash, Wenn)

The SAG Award Nominations Brought To You By The Beautiful Butt Dent On The Actor Statue

The SAG Award nominations were announced today and that’s my cue to make a dumb joke (“Isn’t it ALWAYS your cue to make a dumb joke?” – you) about how Lindsay Lohan’s tits took all the nominations. As I was skipping through thrilling pictures of Sasha Alexander and Clark Gregg at the nominations event this morning, my eyes stopped on the pear-shaped dent in the SAG statue’s nalgas. Don’t you just want to lay your head on it at the end of the day? It’s the perfect resting place for your woes. And yes, I’d hit that statue. My desperation knows no bounds.

The SAG Award nominations were announced in L.A. this morning and whores are screaming “SNUBBED!” at Robert Redford, Octavia  Spencer, Michael B. Jordan, Amy Poehler, Orange is the New Black and Kanye West not getting a nomination. Yes, the only whore screaming “SNUBBED!” about Kanye West not getting nominated is Kanye West and no, he wasn’t in any movies in 2013, but everybody knows that Kanye West should get a nomination for everything.

All of the nominations are after the cut and it looks like we’ll soon live in a world where Jordan Catalano will be up for an Oscar. If he gets the SAG, bitch better thank Rickie. Continue reading