Well, sadly for R. Kelly it looks like his lawyer declaring him as the Martin Luther King, Jr. of our time didn’t move the jury. Because the jury didn’t immediately decide he’s not guilty and use all their energy on petitioning the government to declare R. Kelly’s birthday as National R. Kelly Day. Instead, they found him guilty of all charges. So anyone who had a dream of seeing 54-year-old R. Kelly rot in prison, may see that dream come true.
All this time I thought Robert Sylvester Kelly was on trial for some repugnant ass shit like sex trafficking and racketeering, but according to his attorney, he was actually on trial for defending The US Constitution and the “freedom of speech” and “freedom of assembly” guaranteed to all within that hallowed document. Much like Robert’s fallen comrade, the great Martin Luther King Jr. Yes, he really said that mess with a straight face in a court of law while delivering his closing arguments at R. Kelly’s trial.
I’ve been around the block enough times to have heard just about every two-bit defense, but R. Kelly’s defense team has recently set a new low standard, which is an achievement, considering I didn’t think it was possible for R. Kelly’s current situation to get any lower. This time, R. Kelly’s lawyers have reached into their good old Bag O’ Legal Nonsense, and pulled out a move that could be laughably boiled down to: “If you ate MSG, he must walk free!”
Despite not having released new music since 2018’s “I Admit,” Robert Sylvester Kelly is staying booked (by the feds), busy (in court), and blessed (by Satan). He’s currently standing trial in New York on charges which include “bribery, kidnapping, forced labor, producing child pornography and knowingly infecting some victims with a sexually transmitted disease.” He’s also facing additional charges in Minnesota and Illinois. And people called James Brown the hardest working man in show business! Pfft. The only problem is that Robert’s current gig as a professional defendant does not pay the bills. In fact, it incurs them. So, according to Billboard, Robert is trying to unload his catalog. The only problem is nobody seems to want anything to do with this radioactive pile of shit. Or its music!
Last month, prosecutors in the New York case against 54-year-old R. Kelly told the court they wanted to submit some more evidence and more allegations against him. R. Kelly has been absolutely drowning in federal allegations at this point, from sex trafficking to underage sexual abuse; and in more than one state, he’s got cases in Minnesota and Illinois as well. But still, those NY prosecutors found some more alleged awfulness, like recordings between R. Kelly and a Crisis Manager who allegedly confirmed a bribe and who R. Kelly talked to about bribing a bailiff. They also submitted allegations that R. Kelly groomed and abused underage boys. But don’t you dare think of bringing that up in court! Because R. Kelly’s lawyers argue that jurors could be homophobic, and so their bigotry could negatively impact R. Kelly.
As corroded Madball from the Ninth Circle, Harvey Weinstein, faces new sexual assault charges in Los Angeles, his alleged fellow predator, R. Kelly, has been hit with more horrible allegations that’ll make you reach for the desktop file marked: Palate-Cleansing Puppy Videos. CNN says that prosecutors filed documents on Friday, asking the court to let them include more evidence of bribery and sexual abuse in R. Kelly’s sex trafficking trial, which will begin next month in Brooklyn. The new evidence includes allegations that R. Kelly sexually abused a 17-year-old boy he met at a McDonald’s in Chicago in 2006. Well, if I had to tag myself in the court sketch above, I’d either be the judge’s barfy oh no face or the woman with the point-free exclamation brows who is looking down like, “Not this again…”