Jennifer Garner has three kids; Samuel Garner, 7, Seraphina Rose Elizabeth, 10, and Violet Anne, 13. And few in Hollywood can work a family pap stroll as effortlessly as Jen. Throughout the course of her marriage to Ben Affleck, through the good times, and the bad (and the bad times art directed to look like good times), we’ve seen Jen and the kids eat ice cream while Ben mopes, we’ve seen Jen and the kids at a 4th of July parade while Ben mopes, and we’ve seen Jen and the kids going to church while Ben mopes. But as likely as you are to see Jen’s kids at the checkout line on the cover of the National Enquirer, you’re equally unlikely to see them on her Instagram page. In a recent interview for InStyle, Jennifer says she’s too protective of her kids’ privacy to share pictures of them on social media. Mass market media only!
Pink’s promise to keep her kids off Instagram lasted approximately as long as it takes for my poop alarm to go off after I’ve had my first cup of coffee. In other words, no time at all! After railing against her haters for criticizing her parenting choices and swearing off sharing any pictures of her kids at all, Pink quickly changed her tune posted them running through the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe in Berlin to prove a point/stick it to the man/show off her mad cocktail-making skills. Now Pink’s using her kids on social media to defend Jessica Simpson against haters who got mad at Jessica’s 7-year-old daughter getting a dye job. To make her point that #ParentingPoliceAreJustLoneySadPeople, Pink posted a picture of her dying her 8-year-old daughter Willow’s hair blue. If you don’t like, too bad. Pink turned the comments off.
Milla Jovovich is co-sleeping with her 11 year old, her 4 year old and her husband in a giant-ass bed (actually two giant ass beds pushed together) and I am….confused. As someone whose kids occasionally share a bed (like if we’re at a hotel or one of them is sick) and it’s my living NIGHTMARE. My kids kick and twitch more then a meth-outed Justin Bieber hugging his fans. Plus they don’t know who any of the Housewives are and I don’t have time to explain why Bethany Frankel is yelling again.
Now that Jada Pinkett Smith has her own Facebook show, Red Table Talks, she’s been sharing all sorts of nuggets from the Pinkett-Smith family vault. One such tidbit is that she was devastated when Jaden Smith asked to be emancipated at age 15. You see, back when he was just a little proto-humanoid, Jaden wanted to be emancipated from his overbearing parents. Can you believe those monsters wouldn’t even help him find a doctor who would perform a surgery on him that would reverse his torso so he could wear his pants backwards without actually wearing backwards pants?! Will and Jada told him “no son, if you want reverse torso surgery, you’re going to have to find a doctor to perform it yourself and pay for it out of your own elective surgery allowance!”. Parents, they just don’t understand!
As Joni Mitchell says “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone” and that’s exactly how I feel about Sean Penn. There was a long dormant period when Sean was off doing his thing and we didn’t really have to hear about it but now he’s got this new novel to promote (serious question: How do you read while your eyes are rolling? Is it physically possible?) and he’s making the rounds with a little pig pen poof of American Spirit smoke hovering over his head. In addition to lighting up on stage while in an Ambien induced haze on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, E! reports that Sean was also a guest on the WFT podcast with Marc Maron and talked about ex-wife Robin Wright’s parenting style.
Having famous, rich, attractive parents sounds like winning the kid lottery. But for Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s kids, it’s closer to winning $200 on a scratcher than hitting it big on Powerball. The Kunis-Kutchers are planning to eschew nepotism and force their kids make it on their own. According E!, Ashton appeared on his Punk’d pal Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast and revealed that his kids aren’t getting trust funds from mommy and daddy.