Category: Cool Dads
Post Malone Says He’s Going To Be A “Hot Dad”
Last month, Post Malone announced that he’s expecting his first baby with his girlfriend, who so far has remained unnamed and mysterious. But, he has been pretty open about his own journey into impending parenthood. According to a recent interview, Post seems to fancy himself a future DILF, and I’m guessing that his interpretation of the acronym is the traditional “Dad I’d Like to Fuck,” differing from mine when I think of him, which is “Dad I’d Like to Febreze.”
Open Post: Hosted By The Bulldog Daddy Excited To Meet His Puppies
Picture it… you’re a cute lil’ blondie boy French bulldog. You have sex with your lady love, she gets very fat, and then your humans take her away for a day or two. Where did she go? What does this mean? I’ll tell ya what it means: you’re a daddy! And today’s the day you finally get to meet your babies. I’ve seen enough animal videos to know that, a lot of the time, new fathers aren’t always sure what to make of their new offspring. They sniff, stare, and maybe even swat…OK, maybe I’m thinking of cats). But not this doggo. He’s totally fucking jazzed to meet his babies. He loudly runs over (like many bulldogs, he’s got a case of the smush-faced snuffles), does a little happy dance, and immediately begins licking his kids like they’re covered in peanut butter. A natural!
CPS Is Investigating The Pinkett-Smith Family Regarding That Picture Of Willow In Bed With A 20-Year-Old
After THOSE PICTURES of a 13-year-old Willow Smith hanging out on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old Moises Arias turned everyone on the internet into Helen Lovejoys and commanding Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to puhLEEEASE think of the children and start keeping tabs on theirs, it was really only a matter of time before someone at CPS put down their folder on the Jenner girls (“Forget it Lou, they’re too stupid to put back to school”) and realized that the Smith children might need a visit. According to Radar, the Los Angeles Department of Children & Family Services have opened an investigation to see just what’s going on over at Casa del Kewl Parentz:
“The investigation was formally opened last week and is being taken very seriously by the department,” an insider told Radar. “Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have been extremely cooperative with officials. Of course, they aren’t happy that their parenting skills are under scrutiny, but they understand.”
The source revealed, “Social workers will also be talking separately with Willow, and they also want to talk to the young man in the picture with her as well. This won’t just be one or two visits with the family, and it will likely be an open investigation for at least a month, out of an abundance of caution.”
Normally I’d be the first person to tell CPS to calm the fuck down and get back to investigating important shit, like moms who pack jelly bean sandwiches and Skoal in their kid’s lunch or rich toddlers who keep getting arrested for hoodrat stuff, but someone needs to find out if any goddamn parenting is happening at that house. Willow and Jaden Smith are like Dickensian orphans; their parents are never around and the only authority figures are shirtless weirdos, they don’t go to school but they also don’t work, they play with trash. They just sort of spend their days hanging around and looking like futuristic street urchins, like The Rich Kid Oliver Twists of Instagram. “Haven’t seen me mum n’ dad in nearly a fortnight I ‘ave! Hey Govnah, trade you me favorite clip-on nose ring for a ride to the mall?”