Kate Winslet Says The Reason She’s Still Friends With Leo DiCaprio Is Because She Never Humped On His DiCrotchrio

Kate Winslet and the booty bounty hunter Leo DiCaprio have been friends for a million years, which always felt sort of odd to me, since it was my impression that Leo has a strict hump-and-dump policy when it comes to the ladies in his life. Well, Kate recently explained to Marie Claire UK (via HuffPo) that that is exactly the reason why they’re still friends. You can’t dump what you never humped! Leo never plunged his iceberg into the hull of Kate’s ship, and he never will! And yes I just made a Titanic joke in 2014; pray for me.

“I think the reason that friendship works is because there was never any romantic thing. It’s so disappointing for people to hear that, because in the soap opera of the Kate and Leo story we fell in love at first sight and had a million snogs, but actually we never did. He always saw me as one of the boys. I’ve never really been a girly-girl.”

Let’s just address the most important part of that quote: SNOGS. The most wonderfully British word ever created! I just pictured Leo and Kate “snogging” in a double-decker bus pulled by Prince Harry, Chummy from Call The Midwife, and a corgi in a top hat and monocle, as a chorus of come-to-life newspaper-wrapped bundles of fish and chips sang “My Heart Will Go On”.

But there’s a reason Leo and Kate never fucked, and it has nothing to do with her being “one of the boys”. I’m sure Leo would love to have sex with Kate, but it’s his dick that’s the problem! Leo’s Pants Wolf of Ball Street (his dick, in case you didn’t get that) only gets hard for bony blonde panty models. He could take a million Viagras and it still wouldn’t do a damn thing. Years of banging Victoria’s Secret models have conditioned his penis to remain soft until it smelled the overpowering scent of strawberry-vanilla body spray or until it hears Lukas Haas say the magic words (“Leo would like you to leave the angel wings on, actually”).