NOOOOOOOOOOO: Sofia Vergara And Joe Manganiello Are Engaged

December 29, 2014 / Posted by:

That sound that sort of sounds like a family of walruses howling and gargling gravy at the same time is the sound of a million b-holes and vaginas crying in pain over Joe ManJello getting engaged to the always engaged Sofia Vergara.

E! News says that after only 6 months of staged photo-ops and shameless stunts, Joe ManJello proposed to Sofia Vegara on Christmas Day in Hawaii. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sofia and Joe’s relationship contract was supposed to expire sometime in January and after that he was supposed to have hot, desperate, rebound sex with all of us. That’s what I pictured happening in my mind. I didn’t picture this shit. The Daily Mail has a candid and totally not choreographed picture of Sofia showing off her maybe engagement ring and it’s as understated and modest as you would guess. It’s from Kay Jewelers, obviously!

Sofia and Joe started bumping nipples in July, a quick minute after she ended her engagement for the 700th time to Onion Crunch mogul and certified douche Nick Loeb. A different source tells UsWeekly that Joe proposed during Christmas, because he wanted to do it in front of her family.

We should all brace ourselves, because these two are going to milk this until there’s nothing left to milk (and yes, my genitals passed out from picturing Joe ManJello milking it dry). There’s going to be photo-op after photo-op and I just hope that Joe makes it easier for all of us by wearing as little clothes as possible in those photo-ops. I am all for this as long as the wedding is televised in HD and held at the nudist resort Hedonism II in Jamaica.

Pic: WhoSay

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