Open Post: Hosted By Jessica Lange As Joan Crawford

The gay television event of 2017, Feud, has already started shooting in Los Angeles, and the paps got the first pictures of Jessica Lange in full Joan Crawford drag while filming scenes with Reed Diamond. In case you’re some kind of weirdo who hasn’t kept track of every detail of this soon-to-be masterpiece, Feud is about the bitch battle royale that Joan Crawford and Bette Davis got into while making What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Susan Sarandon is playing Bette Davis and Catherine Zeta-Jones is playing Olivia de Havilland. As for Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford….

I don’t know. My eyes aren’t really seeing Joan Crawford. They’re mostly seeing Jessica Lange as Shirley MacLaine in My Geisha. That eyebrow situation should be so bold that when I look at it, it should punch me in the eyeballs and leave me seeing brow-shaped floaters for the next 3 hours. That eyebrow situation is barely lightly flicking me in the eyes. Joan Crawford’s glorious eyebrows were so hairy and thick that the people around her could barely speak, because when they weren’t spitting out brow hairs, they were choking on the paint fumes wafting off of her face.

Ryan Murphy should bring in Alyssa Edwards, who played Joan Crawford twice on RuPaul’s Drag Race this season, to be a makeup consultant. Because Alyssa Edwards truly captured Joan Crawford’s essence.

And that is a screen shot of Alyssa working one of Joan’s more casual daytime looks. Maybe the producers of Feud know that there’s not enough Sharpies in the country to fully recreate Joan Crawford’s perfect brows so they’re going to CGI them in during post-production. I’m going with that.

Pics: Wenn.com

If The Definition Of A Question Mark Was A Dress, It’d Look Like This

Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!

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Jessica Lange Is Totally Done With “American Horror Story”

There’s always two things you can count on. Number one is that the world will continue to spin with or without you. And number two is that a Ryan Murphy production will be ten layers of gay and twelve layers of camp. Really anything could be evidence in proving this but I’m choosing my favorite – John Travolta‘s wig in American Crime Story. His former leading lady on American Horror Story, Jessica Lange, is on to new things, specifically Ryan’s new show, Feud. She’ll be playing Joan Crawford opposite Susan Sarandon‘s Bette Davis. See? The world still turns and this new show is sending the gay and the camp through the roof.

Jessica was recently on Charlie Rose and he brought up AHS. Like many, he was wondering whether she’d ever return to it and save us from Lady Gaga. Sadly, her answer was a “no”. (via E!)

Jessica: “No, I think, you know, I had four years with that. Four seasons. And each year was a marvelous character. Everything changed from one year to another, which made it very interesting for me. But, no, I think sometimes you come to the end of something and it has a…”

Charlie: “And you know?”

J: “Yeah. And it has had it’s natural… end.”

C: “But, I mean, people loved you in that.”

J: “I know. I know, I know. It’s funny.”

No, Jessica, it isn’t funny. You know why? Because Lady Gaga now has an Golden Globe. Is that funny to you, missy? Whatever. Jessica may be done scaring us in places like murder houses and New Orleans witch covens, but I’m sure her Joan Crawford will terrify us all. Thanks to Faye Dunaway, we all cower in fear when there’s even a wiff of wire hangers so Jessica has a lot to live up to. I hope she throws her talented class act thing out the window, chews the scenery like no one ever has and gives Faye a run for her money. I’m also hoping that she stuck it into her contract that Ryan must at all times wear a blonde wig and be called Christina.

Pic: Wenn

Jessica Lange And Susan Sarandon Will “Feud” As Joan Crawford And Bette Davis For A New Ryan Murphy Show

The Ryan Murphy Network (real name: FX) set fire to the b-holes of fans of legendary bitch fights and Old Hollywood scandals today when they announced that they have ordered a new Ryan Murphy anthology series about classic feuds. The first season of the series, titled Feuds, will cover the rivalry between Joan Crawford and Bette Davis while shooting What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? Ryan Murphy’s muse Jessica Lange will play Joan Crawford and Susan Sarandon will play Bette Davis. In the future, every show on television will be a Ryan Murphy anthology series starring Jessica Lange.

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Somewhere There’s A Barbie Dream House That’s Missing Its Curtains

Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.

Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.

Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.

Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

Jessica Lange Might Guest On AHS Hotel To Make Us Mourn For What Was

I’m completely reading into something Ryan Murphy said in an interview with Deadline. As far as Jessica Lange is concerned, woman is done and Lady Gaga’s moving into American Horror Story Hotel. But there are dreams, we can have dreams. I can’t…can’t…reconcile ConstanceJudeFionaElsa being replaced with Gaga as a downtrodden chambermaid or the lifeguard. It’s just not right. I think I’d rather Madge check in and trip over balloons while accompanied by half-hearted cameo overlays from Beyonce and Miley. Anyway, what he said to fill us with false hope:

“Well, all I can say about that never say never with Jessica. She and I are doing something else right now. I’m producing a production of A Long Day’s Journey Into Night, that is one of her dream roles. She’s done it before and she wanted to do it again and I got the rights for her, we’re going to do that on Broadway. So we’re working again together, and I think if I went to Jessica and I had an amazing role, I think she would do it. I think she wanted some time off, but Jessica is somebody that is always about the role, in every season on this show.”

Considering the Casual Female XL shade that Jessica and her complete and total lack of fucks cast when asked about Gaga’s chances of success in replacing her, I wouldn’t bank on her ringing that front desk bell.

There is good news, though. Denis O’Hare (Burned Guy, necrobutler Spaulding, the con dude with the huge dick that they turned into a chicken last season) is back, as is Finn Wittrock. Dandy was an irritating-as-fuck character, but Finn Wittrock’s buttocks were not. So there’s that. (OH GOD, PLEASE COME BACK, JESSICA LANGE!)

Oh, and The Daily Beast asked Jessica about the aforementioned verbal bored wave she gave Gaga.  Follow the jump for a master class in how to avoid answering a question until the bitter end (as well as more pics of Gaga).

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