Now In “Things That Should Be Illegal” News: A Labyrinth Reboot Is Happening

Somewhere in the afterlife, the ghost of David Bowie just called a meeting with the ghost of Jim Henson to discuss the best way to haunt the shit out of whoever thought a Labyrinth reboot was a good idea.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the latest nugget of nostalgia from your childhood to get the unnecessary remake treatment will be Jim Henson’s 1986 film Labyrinth. In case you’re not familiar with the life-changing magnificence that is Labyrinth, it’s a musical puppet fantasy movie starring David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King, a sexy baby-stealer who looks like what you’d get if Elvira Mistress of the Dark and a pound of coke had a baby, and a young Jennifer Connelly as Sarah, the sister of the baby he steals. Also, tons of fucked-up puppets. It’s basically the most perfect movie from the 80s. And now Hollywood is going to give it the Jem and the Hollograms treatment! All together now:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And if you’re still standing after that “NOOOOO!“, feel free to follow it up with a “WHY, GOD, WHYYYYYYY????” while falling to the floor and curling up into the fetal position like I did.

Here are the details on Hollywood’s latest example of shameful disrespect for feathered hair and puppets. TriStar (the company responsible for the first Labyrinth) worked out a deal with The Jim Henson Co. to produce a new Labyrinth. They’ve hired one of the co-writers of Guardians of the Galaxy to write it, and it will be produced by Jim Henson’s daughter Lisa Henson. No word on who will be cast in this mess, but one thing is for sure: no matter who they get to play Jareth, there’s no way they’ll be able to work a goblin king crotch bulge like David Bowie could.

I don’t blame The Jim Henson Company for throwing a giant ugly watermark over Bowie’s dick; if I was responsible for one of the most important and stunning pieces of visual art of all time, I’d want my name all over it too.

Pics: TriStar, The Jim Henson Co.

Jennifer Connelly Says She Just Bought Her First Computer

It was my understanding that rich people had pretty much the newest and best things you could ever think of. Automatic hands-free butt wiper? Sure. Gold-plated talking single-use toothbrush dispenser? Why not. But during an interview with fancy rich person magazine Town & Country, legendary eyebrow owner Jennifer Connelly shattered my very limited understanding of rich people by confessing that she recently bought her first computer. Yes, the year is still 2015 and no, you didn’t fall into a wormhole back to 1985.

In response to a joke that people send tweets instead of telegrams now, Jennifer admitted that her husband (sexy ginger Paul Bettany) tweets, but she doesn’t, because:

“I am Miss Analog. I bought my first computer just yesterday.”

According to Jennifer, she was forced to buy a MacBook Air after she smashed the shit out of her iPhone during a ski trip and hadn’t backed anything up. Wait, does she not realize that an iPhone is basically a PopTart-sized computer? Regardless, she also wanted you to know this:

“In college I wrote on an old typewriter.”

Blake Lively just fell in love. Jennifer, prepare to receive a hand-embroidered note on a pressed magnolia petal that says “Oh my god, you have no idea – I’ve ALWAYS wanted to tell people I used to use an old typewriter!”

I don’t know what took Sarah from Labyrinth so long to get a computer. Computers are great – they keep your lap warm if you use them too long. But it was kind of dumb of her to buy a computer now. I’m sure we’re only a year or two away from computers becoming something you implant in your ass crack, which means she’ll have learned how to hide her porn using a system of cleverly-named desktop folders for nothing.

Here’s more of Jennifer Connelly in Town & Country, and I’d like to know exactly what kind of deal she made with the Goblin King, because bitch does not age in the face: