Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus With Her Duct Tape-Covered Chipmunk Chichis Out At The amfAR Gala

“Here they are, y’all! Take a good look, cause you might not get to see ’em for another couple of hours!”

The amfAR Inspiration Los Angeles Gala honoring Tom Ford was held on Wednesday night, and guess who showed up with her tits out? That’s right, everyone’s favorite permanent marker-huffing chipmunk Miley Cyrus! But since the amfAR Gala is some fancy shit, she knew she it would be inappropriate to roll up in a high-cut thong and weed leaf pasties. So instead, she decided to bust open a Sheer Elegance L’eggs, wear them as a shirt, and wrap up her backwoods nipple bits in some black duct tape. Miley is nothing if not a klassy lassy, after all.

THIS is how you do tasteful black tie elegance. Why wear a boring-ass evening gown when you can look like the crazy hillbilly cousin of Leeloo Dallas? Or a slutty futuristic project manager from Blade Runner? Or a waitress at an adults-only murder mystery dinner theater? Or a rejected member of The Black Tape Project (NSFW)? Or a goth figure skater? I could literally go on for hours, but you get the picture. BITCH LOOKS HOT!

And adding to the already dangerously high levels of Appalachian sophistication, Miley brought her gorgeous mom Tish Cyrus as her date. Sadly, Tish didn’t also dress like a slutty BDSM mime; instead, she wore a satin tablecloth and did her hair in a fancy show pony braid. Oh well, next time!

Here’s more of Miley looking like a low-budget Pris Stratton (because you need that in your life), as well as Lea Michele who – SURPRISE SURPRISE – was serving up middle-aged horny cougar realness, Alessandra Ambrosia Salad wearing the Las Vegas showgirl version of Miley’s outfit, and a bunch of boring covered-up hos:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Olivia Wilde And Jason Sudeikis Are Somebody’s Parents

I can hear the Xander Jones truthers now: “YOU MEAN ”A PARENT FOR THE SECOND TIME’, RIGHT? HE’S ALREADY SOMEBODY’S PARENT! YOU CAN’T DENY THE EVIDENCE!”

The Year of the Diaper Genie has once again bestowed upon us another poopy blessing, this time to the home of Kenyan marathon fuckers Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. On Wednesday night, Olivia announced she’d evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her uterus (I literally just pictured a fetus in sweatpants eating Doritos and laughed for a solid 60 seconds, which tells me I should probably cool it on the morning booze) by tweeting a vaguely-artsy picture of her snuggin’ on her new baby son with the caption:

Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I’m the building)

First off, congratulations Olivia and Jason, mazel to you, babies are a gift, life is precious, etc. Now that that’s out of the way, Otis Sudeikis? Ain’t nobody got time for all those S sounds, especially somebody with a bit of a lisp like me. Every time I try to say “Otis Sudeikis”, I sound like a drunk Cindy Brady (although it’s not really Otis’s fault; I always sound like a drunk Cindy Brady). At least they were kind enough to throw Alexander in there to give my mouth a 4-syllable break from snake hissing. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

Alright, now back to analyzing that black and white picture of baby Otis. “See that curve at the top of his ear? You’ll notice that Xander Jones shares an almost identical-looking ear curve. Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT!!!”

Pic: Splash

The Look Or Not The Look: Pete Campbell’s Shaved Hairline

No, Vincent Kartheiser wasn’t in the middle of being prepared for a lobotomy when an earthquake happened and the surgical team had to abort, drop the clippers and run out of the building. Rory Gilmore’s future husband (Wait, are those hos still engaged?) is a dedicated method actor who shaves his hairline back and gains some chunk to play It’s Pat’s equally as awkward son Pete Campbell on Mad Men. Dedication to your work IS making your hairline look like a Kardashian’s 5 o’clock butt stubble.

Vincent showed up to the premiere party for Mad Men’s 7th season looking like he got Dollar Tree hair plugs put it in at the same back alley plastic surgeon van where Lil Kim gets her baby dick nose shaved off. He looks like a derpy Friar Tuck which is saying a lot, because Friar Tuck is already at maximum derp. Vincent’s head looks like a factory-defected Chia Pet. There’s a method to his madness, though. Vincent told reporters a couple of years ago that he has always imagined Pete Campbell as having a receding hairline so he shaves his hairline, and after shooting is done he has to walk around looking like John Travolta in a shifted wig before his hairline grows back. Vincent probably thinks he’s the Daniel Day-Lewis of cable and deserves every Emmy for going all the way. But he needs to get over himself, because he’s not the greatest method actor of Mad Men. January Jones is!

January Jones never EVER gets out of character. When the cameras are on, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When the cameras turn off, she’s in character as Betty Draper. When she goes home after playing an ice cold queen all day, she stays in character. She stays in complete character when she’s smoking a cigarette while watching her kid poke at the half-frozen microwave dinner she didn’t cook all the way. She stays in character when her kid is crying and she rolls her eyes while turning up the TV louder to drown out his wails. She stays in complete character when she pisses out a piss popsicle into the toilet. January Jones was in character as Betty Draper before she was cast as Betty Draper and she’ll stay in character as Betty Draper for the rest of her life. So Vincent K and his method hairline shouldn’t feel so goddamn special.

Here’s more of the cast of Mad Men (including Christina Hendrick’s chichis and Jon Hamm sans the Hammaconda) at last night’s premiere party.

Pics: Wenn.com

January Jones Wants To Do RiRi

Not pictured: The 25 space heaters and 12 torches that were needed to make sure the water didn’t freeze and the peonies didn’t turn into icicle flowers from being exposed to the Ice Queen of South Dakota.

Seen above making a graceful “oopsie” face after accidentally diarrhea-ing in the tub during a photo shoot for Violet Grey, The Coldest Month Jones was asked by the magazine if she could rub her icicle clit (clicicle?) against any celebrity, who should she choose. January spit out this ice cube:

“Paul Newman or Rihanna”

Paul Newman is now a beautiful ghost and ghosts are cold enough so he doesn’t need January Jones’ frozen body bumping up against him. He’ll pass. RiRi will also pass, because it’ll be hard for her to pop her pussy on stage when it’s frozen and numb. Actually, RiRi would still do her, but she’d just unthaw her chocha out with a blow dryer afterward.

January also spit out this priceless freezer-burned nugget:

“I prefer to remain mysterious and have people MAKE their own judgment calls about me than to always have to EXPLAIN who I am and what I’m about. I try to take risks and shock people a little bit, it’s important to provoke some sort of emotion, negative or positive.”

AHAHAHAHAHA! Who knew that unflavored popsicles were so damn funny! Like January Jones gives off any other emotion besides, “I WILL FREEZE YOUR SOUL AND END YOU.” But she is right about the whole “mysterious” thing. Most ice cubes are pretty damn mysterious. When I’m boozed up and stoned and I’m on my 12th glass of sangria, I pull an ice cube out of my glass and say to it, “How do you become you? How do you keep my drink so cold and delicious?” So I get what she means.

Pics: Violet Grey

Olivia Wilde And Jason Sudeikis Made A Baby

Fucking like Kenyan marathon runners finally caught up to Olivia Wilde (born name: Olivia Jane Cockburn) and Jason Sudeikis. Olivia and Jason started boning two years ago, they got engaged almost a year ago and now they’re going to be somebody’s parents. Forever29-year-old Olivia and 38-year-old Jason always talk about how his fuck parts are always in her fuck parts, so I’m surprised that this is their first kid together. I would’ve thought that she would’ve pooped out more kids than Michelle Duggar by now. (Note: Olivia would have to poop them out since Jason is always in her snatch, duh.). But nope, this is the first baby they’ve made together. A source and their reps confirm to People that she will birth out a giant forehead with tiny legs and arms in a few months:

“They are incredibly happy,” says a source close to both. “They’re very excited to welcome a new member into their family.”

Reps for the couple confirm to PEOPLE that Wilde is pregnant with their first child.

Here’s to Olivia and Jason’s kid who will hopefully have the last name Cockburn-Sudeikis. And here’s to us nosy whores, because when Olivia has their kid and does an Instagram photo shoot with it, we can see if it looks anything like January Jones’ son. Congrats to us all.

Pics: Splash